Her Big Sad

2011, it was a very good year.... :)

2012-01-24T09:36:00.000-08:00

I've been visiting blogs almost daily, when I have thechance. It's been a little crazy aroundhere, but in a good way. (It seems oddto post a good report while so many I care about are fighting the good fightwhile their children struggle - please know that I only mean to share that itcan be done. And that I am cognizantthat it could all change tomorrow. Thoseof you who've been reading here for a while know I've tasted both sides of thisbattle.)

Things for us at this time are going well. My daughter has excelled at her new job, andis enjoying the fast pace and certainly the bonuses she gets for closing outcases. Both girls have enjoyed theirtime together this year, and Christmas was something like a dream to me. A good dream!

One of the best parts was when my girl searched and searchedonline and found a Rock Band game at a discount, to give her sister to use withher Wii. This gift just blew my oldestdaughter away. It was extravagant, andit was something she had wanted for a long time. She often enjoys a night of goofy karaokewith friends and she has played Rock Band at other people's houses… But as a broke 31-year-old paralegal payingoff school fees, etc, it wasn't in her budget. We had given her a PlayStation many years ago that the girls enjoyed andplayed each other for hours and hours. That one later was stolen for drugs by L. Big sister recognizes the difference betweenher little sister and the "monster" (addiction) and never held itagainst her that the game was stolen. I'm not sure I would have been soforgiving. But then, I was too busylooking for tools and cameras and other things, to worry about a game.

Laurie brought me tips and money, a few dollars at a time,until she had enough to order this game. She couldn't stand it any longer on Christmas Eve and made her sisteropen her present early. They had SO muchfun playing that night. My husband was along-haired rock and roll drummer back in the day, and they even got him toplay the drums. I have video to provethat he did. Once he started, he wasamazing. We were just sitting therestunned and when he was done the girls were cheering for him. Little things. Things that so many families take forgranted. Sitting together on ChristmasEve laughing and playing a game. I wasone second from tears the whole evening.

Gifts the next day were exchanged and it is the first timein quite a long time that she has been sober, employed and happy atChristmas. She gave us all lovely giftsthat were thoughtfully selected and will be treasured/used/loved. My eyeballs were about to burst, but I keptit together.

DH surprised the heck out of me yet again. L's car "took a dump" (her words) and died, and he sold her the old Acura Integra that had been his mom's. At a price way less than blue-book. She got $400 for the old heap that died, paid him $500 for Grandma's car, and for a net of $100, she was back on the road, zipping back and forth to work and loving the mileage she was getting. She popped a stereo in it and she's one happy camper. Like I say, he continues to surprise me and drive me batty - maybe that's normal!?!

At any rate, we find ourselves looking at each other when our littleaddict heads out the door for work in the morning, and we have occasionally said "we'llalways have 2011, no matter what." I see this time as pure GRACE. Agift I never thought I'd have, and may not get to always have. I am wallowing in GRACE.

L and LeBoyfriend are getting a place of their own February1. It is a cute little two-bedroomduplex with a garage - he is excited about the Man Cave and also having abedroom for his 16-year-old daughter when she visits. My daughter and his daughter get along reallywell and they're looking forward to her visits.

A few days ago, L came down the stairs about halfway,stopped on the landing where the stairs turn, and announced: "I need everyone's undividedattention!" We all paused, turnedand listened as she announced that she had just gotten off the phone with herparole officer. She had turned in hermonthly write-in (she was put on write-ins, and minimal supervision, a fewmonths ago) and didn't expect to hear from him. He came by one night not long ago and talked to us/her about herapplication to get off parole early for good behavior. He said it was a long shot, but he wanted herto try.

Anyway, on the phone this night, he asked how she was doing,and when she told him she was getting ready to move, he said, "you know,you don't have to give me your new address."

She was confused, and said, "really? How come?"

He said "oh, cos they discharged your parole, you'renot a parolee anymore." We allburst into cheers and tears simultaneously when she told us. She ran the rest of the way down the stairsand gave me the biggest hug I'd had in months.

LeBoyfriend has been doing some odd jobs for us from time totime and is driving humongous tankers for his dad's company, to and from therefinery with acid on board. I asked himonce if he'd rather do construction, or drive, and he got this sad look on hisface and said, "Joy, I really love working with my hands, making somethinguseful, or pretty, doing tile work, putting down floors, even buildingfences. But my dad needs me; and I owemy mom and dad so much for all these wasted years, so, I'm driving for Dad foras long as he wants me to." Thatmade me sad, and proud of him at the same time. I hope it doesn't become aburden; does that make sense? He listens to books on tape and evenyoung adult oriented Bible studies as he drives, and I hope that helps the timepass.

My house looks like a storage unit. I seriously expect the guys from Storage Wars(do they show that TV show nationwide?) to show up and start bidding her stuff rightoff the front porch. There's a sofa, anew queen mattress/box springs, a newfridge, all stashed in the living room and diningarea, with about 30 boxes scattered throughout the living room, dining room, hall and den!….. they saved the money for the big stuff, and friends are donating things like silverware, a mixer,etc. About two weeks ago, I spied a"free" sign on an adjustable queen bed frame, sitting in a driveway down the street - DH and Ihiked down and carried that frame home so fast! Score!

She's eyeing a tiny gas grill for LeBoyfriend forValentine's day - will buy it and hide it in our garage til then. The next week to ten days will be chaotic as they move,but good….

Normal and age-appropriate steps. What a blessing this year has been and what ablessing to see them eagerly taking the next right steps. We look ahead to 2012 with hope andexcitement, NO expectations, and lots of love for our girl and LeBoyfriend.

(L and LeBF sitting on the TV she saved up for and bought him for Christmas!)

Prayers continue for all our beloved children....

An update....

2011-11-12T11:22:00.001-08:00

“Wechange our behavior when the pain of staying the same becomes greater than thepain of changing. Consequences give us the pain that motivates us to change.” ―Henry Cloud on Boundaries

Isaw this on the Facebook wall for LifeLines, a part of The Crossing Church thatI love to attend, and that my daughter and LeBoyfriend attend regularly. LifeLines has meetings for any and everyaddiction, and the family/friends of those with the addictions.

Anyway,I digress. I just thought this was anice way to express what we've been saying around this house for the lastdecade. Our first therapist commented tosomeone in our group (after making suggestions week after week about how shecould extract herself from her current misery) that

"Youare happy in your shit. When you areunhappy enough, you'll try something new. Right now, it’s a shit pile you are sitting in, but it's warm, cozy andfamiliar, although it certainly stinks. When it stinks (pains you) enough….. when you are ready to do the hardwork of extracting yourself from the shit pile, you will. Til then, I have no more suggestions for youbecause you evidently don't need them - you're happy right where you are."

We'veused that phrase many times since then. "Happyin your shit." I miss Jerry, ouroutspoken, but gentle family counselor. I learned so much from our time in family group. And I have mentally reminded myself manytimes that when someone is pained enough by their current situation, they willchange it. It goes for me; it goes foranyone in my family!

Warning! Long post ahead.....

As for an update…. I am extraordinarily blessed these days. I am aware that so many right now are not ina good place with their sons and daughters…. I almost hesitate to post. But, for today, my daughter is doing well,and I hope this will give hope and encouragement to those who read it, whetheryour family member is doing well, or struggling. So here's my update.

Mydaughter is blowing us away with her progress. She waited tables faithfully for several months, and then was offered ajob in an office for a construction company, with benefits! She started that over two weeks ago.

Sheis off all psychiatric medications. Herdecision. So far, so good overall. Since she will have benefits with the newjob, when I start to worry about the lack of medications, I remind myself thatshe can see a doctor as soon as the benefits kick in, and get a prescription ifshe isn't able to handle her bipolar mania episodes.

She'sstruggling with a history class at night. I believe she has a C right now, and you knowwhat? A C is good enough! Getting the credits is what counts. Passing this class will put her within twoeasy classes of her associate degree. She's plodding onward. Last weekshe was the only person in class with the outline the teacher wanted donecorrectly and her outline ended up being a class example. Plus she got an extra point of credit forhaving it done right. In her usualimpulsive fashion, she blurted out that she needed all the points she couldget, and "can't you give me a few more!?" Good for a giggle, but no more points wereforthcoming!

Shequalified for financial aid based on her A and B from her two courses lastsemester. That money will help pay forher books, classes, gas to class, etc. She's bought a laptop on her Dad's charge card and paid for itsuccessfully. Before the financial aidcame through, she bought a fancier cell phone and paid it off. She is planning to bank any left overfinancial aid money for the day that her $900 beater car absolutely must havethe clutch it kinda needs now. She hasabout a significant amount saved toward the place she and Le Boyfriend plan toget around the first of the year. He'ssaving for that too.

Sheput together a weekend birthday surprise for Le Boyfriend that just rocked hisworld. He got off work the Friday ofHalloween weekend and drove to the address she gave him (which turned out to bea hotel!), and then she gave him the room number (!) over the phone and he cameup to the room. Once in the door, henoticed the decorations and streamers and the extra beds…. It was definitely a family type of room. We've all known about this for about twomonths, but he had been uninformed and anticipating a surprise. He was pretty much nearing the end of hisability to handle being in the dark and began begging for moreinformation. She finally broke down andtold him that later in the evening, they were picking up his 16-year-old daughterand the daughter's boyfriend, who had travelled by train, and were at thatmoment, traveling the last portion by bus to reach them.

Itwas the first time in his daughter's 16 years that she had celebrated herdaddy's birthday with him….. THAT HE WAS SOBER!

Once he gotover his surprise and disbelief, they went to meet the kids' bus, and took thekids back to the hotel and stayed up late like teenagers, talking and laughingtogether. The next day they did familyactivities with Le Boyfriend's family, his nephew's morning sports game, lunchat a favorite restaurant with the entire family, etc. Normal family life!

Thatevening, my daughter surprised him one more time with tickets toKnottsScaryFarms Halloween, for all four of them, and LeBoyfriend's good friendG.

(G is freshout of prison, working hard at a construction job, staying sober, and has beenfriends with Le Boyfriend for several years. When he got out, my daughter and Le Boyfriend paid for his first coupleweeks of sober home charges until he was on his feet with a job and they aretrying to encourage him and themselves, in their ongoing recovery. He's doing great so far.)

The entireweekend was a huge success and I'm still amazed at how she did it. She brought me some of her tips fromwaitressing every couple of days, and as she accumulated money for each portionof this birthday weekend, I'd make the online purchase she had given me moneyfor (room reservations, Amtrak tix, bus tix, KnottsScaryFarm tix). She's never planned ahead like thisbefore. It is so fun to watch her doingthis sort of thing!

She even gother homework done in advance that week, so that if she was tired from theweekend after it was over, she could just crash….and rest before her nightschool class. That is SO not her normalway of dealing with things. Amazing!

Paying hercontribution to us for staying with us, paying her cell phone bill and carinsurance each month on time or early, making good grades, bringing thefavorite pie home from her waitressing job for her dad…. This is the daughter we knew was in theresomewhere. And we are relishing everysingle moment with her.

Life is notperfect, and she and her dad still clash from time to time over stupid stuff -his latest trick is to lock the front door when she goes out to smoke…. And then tell her she needs to start takingher keys with her when she goes up the street to smoke.

(I stillmarvel at the fact that she has proven herself so trustworthy that she has a KEY!)

She justblows him off and goes back to her room. We all just try to ignore it when he acts like a buffoon. Sometimes I fail at the ignoring and I engagewith him but usually a couple paragraphs into the argument I just remind myselfto step back and leave the skirmish. It's not worth it!!

On the flipside, the same dad who gives her shit over stuff like that, is the one whowhipped out his Best Buy charge card and happily went with her to pick out hernew laptop and let her benefit from the six months' interest free financing. She has it to use for paper writing for thishistory class, and she paid him off in bigger chunks than necessary in case sheruns into financial difficulties with her car, etc.

Then thereare the days where it all goes wrong - like yesterday when she was very sickand unbelievably irritable (spewing the kind of crap that always signaledrelapse in the past). She had coughedherself silly all night and kept her sister awake for the third night in a row. She and Sister clashed over medicinesuggestions from Sister and the F-bomb was flying. She handed Le Boyfriend and myself our headsback on a platter when we suggested a doctor visit. She and her Dad got into it over her refusalto take some savings and go to the doctor (even after she was sent home sickfrom work). His comment about how shebetter not keep her sister awake again that night or she'd be told to sleep inher car, was met with her comment that if she heard that from him he betterknow she was packing her shit and not coming back…. They each repeated it toeach other at least four times. (That'san arguing technique I have hated for years and I was almost dumbfounded to seeher using it back at the one she learned it from - it was textbook classic.) This morning, she got up and all waswell. Everyone had slept. She was actually feeling better and coughingless. I was literally tearfullyrelieved. I had nightmares last night andI think my unease was penetrating my sleep.

The new jobshe got is promising. Full time andbenefits very soon. Wow. I've tried to suggest to her that she needsto stay a year if at all possible. She'sbeen bouncing from job to job for years…. Time to put down roots and get a goodstint of time to put on a resume. Butthat's up to her too!

Le Boyfriendis working hard for his parents' company, driving tanker trucks filled withacid…. The acid is used to clean tanksat the oil refineries, I think. That'sthe best explanation I can understand. He's in and out of oil refineries and works long hours, for great money,and he's really putting in great amounts of time and effort since his parentshave given him this opportunity to work with them again. Someday, this company could belong to him, orto he and his brother. If he chooses tostart his own construction/handyman business, or his own cement truck business,his parents are hinting at major help with the upstart. His brother is continuing to heal from theswimming hole accident that broke his back.

We areblessed. Beyond measure, beyondwords. I am so grateful. She will have been living with us for oneyear, on December 4. In our wildestdreams, not one of us thought this would go this well. I'm planning to take everyone to dinner thatweekend, if I can just come up with a place for two meat/potatoes guys, onevegetarian, one vegan, and one low carber to eat…. Under one roof!

Le Boyfriendhas been an addict for 16 years. He justturned 35. My daughter has been anaddict for over 11 years, with brief periods of sobriety (once almost twoyears). She is 29. As of last Monday, they have been clean for17 months. They don't really look at thetime, but sometimes I do. Briefly, I letmyself revel in it.

Everythingcould change tomorrow, but other than reminding myself of that, just to keepmyself from getting too relaxed…. Idon't dwell on it. If it happens, I knowwhat to do.

But for now,it really seems as though they are tremendously serious at this time about sobriety. (I also think they just might havegotten really, really tired of the lifestyle they are putting behind them. The last run was not fun. It was miserable. And then it got worse: prison.)

My daughtertold her sister that sometimes she tells herself, "I can do thattomorrow." (meaning, she canuse) "but for today, nah, I'm notgoing to do it today." Not surethat's the best method, but it's HER method (combined with a few meetings and alot of faith/church/prayer/family activities/work/school/gym/goals).

This is whyI personally will never give up hope. Notfor my daughter, not for Le Boyfriend, not for any of our beloved children. It can be done. Even she throws it away tomorrow and relapses, it can be done. It's up to my daughter if she does.

I pray thatmy daughter and her boyfriend will continue to do the things necessary toremain sober. And my gratitude thesedays is just enormous. I can be reducedto tears when she struts in with a good grade on a paper, or a compliment froma boss…. Hearing about these things issuch a blessing to me!

My prayersfor all our children continue.

Hebrews 11:1 Now faith is thesubstance of things hoped for, the evidence of things notseen.

An open letter....

2011-09-04T11:54:00.000-07:00

I received an email from yet another producer regarding an upcoming show that will deal with the subject of "losing a child to addiction." My oldest has assured me that this particular show is light-years ahead of the previous requests I've received, as far as responsible journalism. My response remains the same, as I just don't think this would be healthy for me right now, for a multitude of reasons.

This may be a truly worthwhile endeavor. If some of you get the same email and decide to be involved, my prayers will definitely include blessings on your efforts to raise awareness of the disease of addiction. Here is what I wrote back when I declined involvement in this particular project:

"Dear Producer,

Thank you for writing regarding the upcoming television show.

A few thoughts… These are my thoughts, my opinions, and mine only… "Take what you need and leave the rest."

I have not "lost" my daughter to addiction, thank God. As long as she is still alive, there is hope. Some parents in our blogging community have lost their children. This fear haunts us all.

I have no expectations. Zero. Not one. But I have hope!

My daughter is a heroin addict, and she will always be a heroin addict. Right now, she is actively seeking sobriety and recovery, and she has 17 months of clean time. Today, she is sober. Today is ALL I will focus on.

Many times I have mentioned the following to fellow travelers of this road of being the parent of an addict: I had 18 fantastic years before the disease of addiction entered her life. Many parents do not get that much time with their children!

In the last decade-plus that she has struggled with heroin, I have had both brief and extended further quantities of time with my beautiful girl. In between, I have known true anguish as I have watched her slide further and further into her diseases (bipolar disorder and addiction).

I have learned that this is not my fault: I did not cause it, I cannot cure it, and I cannot control it.

I have learned that I can love her with every ounce of my being, and yet not get in the way of the natural consequences of any relapses. As long as she is seeking recovery and sobriety, she has my support in many ways. She has my verbal encouragement, my prayers, my tangible support of a place to live for a while, clothing, food and rides to meetings, jobs, etc. If she relapses, she still has my love, prayers and encouragement, but until she chooses to seek sobriety again, she cannot live with me, or be in my home. These have been hard lessons to learn.

I have learned more than I can write here, certainly!

I have learned that there is a huge army of walking, wounded parents who trudge this same road daily. Whenever I am honest with anyone about my daughter, it never fails that I find out they have a child, a friend with a child, a coworker with a child, who is an addict also. The numbers are staggering. We have indeed lost too many of our nation's bright and intelligent, beautiful children to death from their addiction. This something I hope your program will be able to convey to all who watch it.

The war on drugs has failed. Treating our addicts with jail/prison terms has failed. Our children need desperately for us to come up with a better way for them to get long-term treatment and support. In the overwhelming majority of cases, this needs to include mental health treatment.

While I applaud any efforts to get the message out to our citizens, you sound as if you are trying to do this under a fair amount of pressure due to time constraints, etc. Might I suggest that you try to somehow find the time to delve into the subject deeply and carefully?

At this time, I am hesitant to speak personally with you or the other producers. I have been at this for over ten years, and it takes everything I've got to be there for my family in a healthy way, and to try to take care of myself. Right now, participation in activities that would increase awareness would be stressful for me. I am glad there are others who are doing this at this time. Maybe someday, when she's got way more clean time under her belt….

I do encourage you to search among our blogs. Read blogs of addicts and alcoholics ("Sobriety is Exhausting" and "Being Sober"), as well as those of parents ("Lou", "Annette", "Mom and Dad", "Barbara", "Fractal Mom", and many more), siblings, and spouses (Syd, from "I'm Just F.I.N.E. -- Recovery in Alanon").

There are many more than I can list here and each of us is in a different place in this nightmare. Many of us have found a way to live full, or content (and some say "happy") lives while dealing with it. Each of us has something to offer those who really truly wish to understand what living with a loved one with addiction is like. Just plow through the names on the sidebars of the blogs. You will find us!

Some of us have a child who is "out there on a good one" right now, and we are trying to find the strength to carry on with our responsibilities to the rest of our family while agonizing over the choices our addict is making. These parents are praying for an arrest, and most of us have been there! That sounds so normal to wish for, to us, and yet the world would think we were nuts.

Others like myself have just welcomed a child home from jail or prison and are trying to enable recovery, and yet tempering our involvement with efforts to not do for them what they can do for themselves, and allowing them to realize that they can do something, and allowing them the satisfaction of having accomplished it (Annette's words, very paraphrased, from a long-ago post or comment, I believe.)

Please, do not rush your "story" on this subject. Our children's lives are at stake with the disease of addiction, and you could do so much to spread awareness.

Just for today, I have my beautiful, stubborn, compassionate, feisty, tender-hearted, hard-working, risk-taking, ambitious, impulsive, bipolar butterfly-fairy girl in my life. I am grateful!'

And just an update: All is well here. DD2 is deeply involved in her history class at the college, working two jobs, and trying to keep her little beater car on the road. It needs $1200 worth of work right now, so she/we are basically praying it lasts until she can save enough $$ to get it fixed. If not, I'm 100% willing to resume chauffeur duties in the interim. LeBoyfriend got back his driving job and will be transporting unhealthy hazardous materials for a very healthy salary. LeBrother's back is healing and hopefully, in about six months, he can go back to work. I'm taking off for my yearly visit to my parents' little ranch next week and I will be gone for about 9 days. Y'all be good, and I'll check in when I can!

Prayers for our children continue, as always!

Staying Sober in College

2011-08-14T09:53:00.000-07:00

My husband found this article in the Wall Street Journal - thought I would share the link for it:

SoberOnCampus

This is a great idea, I think. Seems like it would be a worthwhile effort, to get a center or a designated room(s) for recreation, meetings, etc, on every campus. Just a thought.

Update on the med situation: We were blessed this week to have two persons in our blogging community donate to us the exact medication my daughter needs. I was just blown away by the thoughtfulness and the generosity. She has enough to go about two months, and she has an appointment with the school doctor, to see if there is mental health help there which would include medication prescriptions. I have located a number of online resources for cutting the cost of the meds also. We have a plan and she is very grateful for what we received this week! Lou also gave me ideas for places to contact regarding medications that I would never have thought of! Thank you, one and all! I appreciate you all so much!

She's registering for at least two classes, possibly three, but I'm thinking she will probably stick with just two. She is on the verge of finishing her two year (Associate) degree. She is supposed to qualify for financial aid this semester, because she nailed her two courses last semester with an A and a B+. After this semester, all that is standing between her and the degree is some on-line math classes.

She's changed jobs successfully. She'll be working in a family-style restaurant in the mornings waitressing, and then she is an on-call employee for a catering company in south county (which she LOVES). She worked the US Open (surfing championship) last weekend for four straight days and can't wait for her next event.

Things have been a bit tense around the house.... while her med levels were low, she was a bit manic, and her dad has been, well, cranky. We have a lot going on with my business dying, and his part-time job becoming increasingly difficult (he feels they are trying to run out the old guys, and I can't make a judgment call because I'm not there every day). Finances are tight but sufficient.

What I can see, is his behavior around here which has me a bit concerned. He has always been outspoken and opinionated, but lately he has seemed more intent on having things go his way (even if it means breaking some promises), and at times, downright hurtful and mean.

Since my oldest daughter (DD1) has astutely targeted some of these behaviors and spoken to me out of concern for him, now new things are coming up on my radar screen. Is he well? Is he just turning into a cranky old fart? Or is this possibly indicative of something more?

Heaven knows I can be a cranky old broad. I am determined to try to stay calm and ironically, a lot of what I have learned in Alanon is coming to my aid. I don't have to participate in activities that might result in my being insulted. Every now and then he surprises me with behavior that is so nice/thoughtful that I almost can't believe it is the same person. Then it flips again.

I am trying to walk a fine line between not arguing with him over decisions being made regarding DD2, and trying to encourage her and applaud her accomplishments while insisting that both daughters respect the position he holds in their lives, if they are not able to respect him (his behavior) at some points. I have encouraged both of them to stay focused on their goals to get moved out - that will solve a huge amount of the problem, right there!

We still talk of moving to Tennessee. It all hinges on making sure that Tennessee's guaranteed-issue insurance is still available to me once we arrive. Fifty medical conditions qualify you for that guaranteed issue coverage which I will need for several years before reaching MediCare years. I have one of the fifty conditions.

Much will have to be accomplished around this house (painting, some renovations) to get it ready to sell in another 18-24 months; and I welcome the lightened work schedule which will permit me more time to do some of that preparation for selling, and of course, some sewing and quilting!

LeBoyfriend's brother is still hospitalized, complications include lack of motility in the bowel and an as yet unlocalized infection which has his white count soaring. Once they get his digestive system functioning properly and the infection handled, he will be transferred down here, and begin working on regaining his range of motion, etc.

LeBoyfriend took it upon himself to go to a former employer and apologise for the events of last year, and request that they consider rehiring him to drive for them. He prayed about it, he was honest and open with them, he offered to be drug tested at his expense any time. He was met with understanding, acceptance and a promise to seriously consider his reapplication.

Yesterday he found out that it is almost a certainty that he will get that job back. Driving for an oil refinery is an excellent paying job. One more step in rebuilding his life. I'm so proud of him!

I can't remember whose blog I saw this on, but I have printed it and stuck it on my monitor because it is Oh So True:

"I don't have to attend every argument I'm invited to." Amen.

My prayers for all our children continue. :)

Looking for the Wisdom

2011-08-05T13:15:00.000-07:00

At her most recent parole visit, my daughter was informed by the psych office that they will no longer be providing bupropion (generic for Wellbutrin). They will still cover her other medication, but he didn't recommend she take the other one alone. None of the medications they will still cover have proved effective in the past.

Their reason? The parole psychiatric board has decided that bupropion has been abused by some parolees in the past. Apparently by whatever means (crushed, cooked and injected? crushed and snorted? I dunno!) it gives a somewhat methamphetamine-ish feeling. Speed was not my daughter's drug of choice, though she has done it in the past. Heroin is her drug.

That's it. The end. No detox or tapering down. She's just going to be out of meds. And she's feeling the return of the bipolar symptoms. We're seeing them.

I'm trying to locate the best price and then I will approach both my personal physician and a neurologist I actually work for. Both are familiar with my daughter's situation. Perhaps one of them will continue to write her Rx.

In the meantime, she's trying to work hard, taper the second med and face the possibility that she may not be able to get her meds for a while. It took us a decade to get her willing to take them. She did it as a condition for coming home. I'm at a loss to understand why this has happened, but I'm sure there is a reason. Maybe she will be able to stabilize and maintain both her sobriety and living with her manic depressive symptoms. Time will tell.

Update on LeBoyfriend's Brother: Surgery went well, and after he is fitted with a back brace, they hope to transfer him home (five hour journey, I think) for recuperation.

And I found out that the swimming hole they had found was one the boys jumped as kids, when they were as young as 8 and 10. The family camped there every year, and this was a spot that LeBoyfriend had written to my daughter about when they were in prison. He described it as heaven on earth, with endless stars at night and beauty everywhere you looked. He told her if they did well when they got out, he would take her there.

He worked so hard to put this trip together, saved his money for camping equipment and food, bussed in his 16-year-old daughter and her boyfriend to go with them, and brought everyone together for a fun four day camping trip. He's so sad right now that his brother was hurt. He feels so responsible! He's already making plans to help with brother's financial responsibilities until he can work again.

He just never thought about getting older, bodies not being able to take what they used to take, etc. I still think it was more remote than it needed to be, but the fact that his family had been there for years makes me understand it a little better. It was just a fluke, I guess.

Prayers continue for all our children, and especially Beth.

Oopsie

2011-08-02T09:07:00.000-07:00

I'm a little cranky about this, so excuse the snarky attitude displayed in my writing today.

So LeBoyfriend and DD2, and his Brother and Brother's wife, all went camping in some remote area by a river, I think way outside of Fresno, and since I am not from this area, I have no clue really, where they were. I suggested they do something more local, with maybe a touch more civilization involved. Like maybe at least near a KOA campground, if not in it? I suggested that remote wasn't necessary. I suggested that there are things like bears. Snakes. And the occasional random injury that might require attention.

Nope, the immortality complex being what it is, they gleefully loaded up the two speed boats, and drove the boys' two big pickup trucks full of camping gear and off into the sunset they went. They have been there several days, and have had a ball.

Well, I presume they've had a ball. They are so remote there is no cell phone coverage. It's been nice and quiet here, and I've assumed no news was good news.

I got a call from Brother's Wife tonight, because "DD2 can't talk cos she's driving LeBoyfriend's truck and the boat." Huh? She has never driven anything like that.

Or maybe she has, and I just don't know that, but anyway, my comment remains. Huh?

Well, she had to drive the truck, you see, because LeBoyfriend was driving Brother's truck and boat.

Why isn't Brother driving Brother's truck? Oh, because Brother is in the emergency room.

Really.

Finally, I got some answers.

Seems they were jumping into a portion of the river that formed a sort of swimming hole. Brother jumped. He somehow hit the water wrong and had to have help getting dragged out. He was in tremendous pain in his back. He impulsively tried to get up and walk and that resulted in him becoming white as a sheet, dropping like a stone, and starting to shake and being diaphoretic and disoriented.

I'm sure I'll get more details later. At this point, the story delivered by Brother's Wife was a chaotic swirl of "hiked out to the trucks to drive and call for help, EMT's came and hiked in, radio call sent out for helicopter, firefighters called in to remove TREES so Med-Evac could land, and Brother was Med-Evac'd out to a hospital in Fresno."

After Brother was successfully airlifted, the rest of them had to break camp, load the boats from the river onto the trailers, and then my daughter began the adventure of creeping down the mountain driving a truck and trailer with a speed boat on it. With LeBoyfriend driving right in front of her biting his nails as he watched her drive his monster truck and boat for the first time, while he drove Brother's truck and boat.

This all took place at 1 pm? Or maybe the adventure began at 1? All I know is that it was almost 9 PM when they called to tell me this disjointed story, and they had arrived at the hospital and were with Brother. Neurosurgery was at the bedside doing a consultation for a compound fracture of his back, revealed by the MRI.

Apparently he is still moving arms and legs, so I find that positive. He will need a lot of treatment, immobilization perhaps, or quite possibly some surgery. More will be revealed.

Addicts just can't do anything the safe or simple way. I don't mean that in a derogatory sense, I'm just saying this is how it seems to go. Their "thinkers" seem broken to me. Or maybe it's the immaturity that persists because the drug use got in the way of the maturing process. They had choices that would have been safer or closer to facilities in case of need. Bears and snakes turned out to be the least of the issues. Brother was brought down by a swimming hole.

Of course, it wasn't until my third phone call from them that they let it slip that the jump into the swimming hole was off a river bank from a height of about thirty feet.

Not smart.

I wonder if there was an officer of the law anywhere around during all of this? That would count as police contact, and oopsie….

None of them had permission from parole officers to be out of the county.

And the lessons continue!!

I think my crankiness is due to concern that she will lose her job(s) if she lingers there at the hospital, with the rest of the family. I suggested she hop a greyhound, come back and get back to work on time and then plan on spending a lot of time visiting him on weekends and helping out once he is transferred down here. But, her decisions are hers to make. If she wants to risk losing her income and the ensuing arguments with her Dad over her inability to pay her bills, that's on her. I will just pray for wisdom for her and healing for Brother. And maybe some maturity for the lot of them and some understanding of the fragility of the human body and life in general!

......sigh......

Edited to add: the boys' parents are at Brother's side; my daughter and LeBoyfriend are returning home tomorrow to resume work schedules on time. Surgery for Brother is Thursday morning (spinal fusion with rodding (2) and fixation, possible Allograft). If all goes well, once surgery is complete, discharge will be rapid, likely Saturday or Sunday, because once the fusion is done, the fracture can't really move or displace. They had Brother and Wife's five-year-old son with them for the camping trip and he's understandably worried about daddy since he witnessed the whole thing, but the firemen/paramedics/helicopter were both exciting and reassuring for him. Looks like this adventure will have a happy ending, and I am grateful!

Six months at home, and all is well.

2011-06-10T14:09:00.000-07:00

Just checking in.... All is well here. My daughter is doing well. She and LeBoyfriend went to Modesto (48 hour travel pass granted by their parole officers) to see his 16 year old daughter. They're having a ball, away from work, relaxing, etc. She's due home tonight.

She seems to be doing okay. She appears to be sober. She is working. She isolates a lot, which makes DD1 and I sad. She talked all the time, like she always does, in prison/jail, about wanting to come home and just be with her family. She saturated herself with us the first month. She sat in the living room/dining room area, which is the central portion of the house, and painted for a month when she first got out. She painted, she listened to us, she smiled at us, she talked to us..... She soaked us up. Now, she's back to normal. She works and comes home, does whatever chores we ask once a week (usually!), and then makes food and goes to her room and watches TV and sleeps. (Partly, that is because her dad is a cranky guy and no one can interrupt his viewing of the daily news (times three shows at least) and his TV favorites or his 1950s netflix movies. Yuck.) She passed both classes she took at the local college, with B's! Sometimes she gets in my sewing room and makes a jeans skirt or a pair of shorts. Sometimes she gets creative in the kitchen and sets off the fire alarm. I'm savoring all of it! (Literally! The kung pao shrimp she made last weekend was to die for!)

She gets to work on time. Every single day. She pays her "contribution" to us, and she pays her bills. She lives for the weekends and the church services at the Crossing and her activities with LeBoyfriend. Sounds like a normal young adult, I guess! And I am grateful.

I'm busy with my work, and whatever spare time I can finagle gets used gardening and in my sewing room. Life is really good right now. I am enjoying it, tempered with the realization that addiction is a sneaky disease, and that one day at a time is the only way to live, for me.

I continue to pray for all our children. I wish us all a peaceful weekend!

The chinks in the armor ....

2011-05-06T13:37:00.000-07:00

That's what we used to call it when my husband went to start a new job (in his former life) in his marketing career. He was wined, dined, treated like royalty until he accepted the job offer, moved, unpacked, introduced, welcomed, put to work, and then the situation would start to fall apart. He'd start coming home from work saying "Lions 3, Christians 0." And talking about the chinks in the armor starting to show.

Edited to add: I apologise now for the length of this. I got ~~a tad rambly~~ ~~very~~ extremely longwinded. Also, I'm sorry it's been so long since I've updated.

All in all, I think things are going well. I think chinks have shown up here and there, but overall, we're intact and doing very well!

She's passing both college classes, with a B and a high C right now.

She is working.

She probably is not taking her medications. The bottle never seems to go down.

She is seeing parole and psych at parole.

LeBoyfriend is working hard at odd jobs, construction jobs, and has recently started a part time job driving a cement truck which will grow to full time very quickly. He is attending a Bible study each week and has a good support group.

They have missed a few times of going to the Lifelines meeting on Friday night. She didn't want to have to speak on birthday night, for one of the meetings, so talked him out of it. She has never enjoyed chip-taking if speaking was involved (for the yearly birthdays, etc). I would have like to have seen/heard it, and she was fine with me being there, just didn't want to do it. I bowed out early to make sure my presence was not weighing on her at all, and she still didn't want to go, when it came down to it. They spent time with his family, enjoying his sister's family and kids, instead.

They continue to go to church Sunday AM and spend Sunday with his family. Saturdays they spend with us. He is doing odd jobs for us also.

Husband left water running to fill a ginormous dog bowl upstairs (bowl so big it hung out over edge of cabinet) and then forgot about it when he came downstairs for something. Forty-five minutes later he's down here watching the Eternal TV News and starts screaming, "I think we have a leak, I think we have a leak!" LeBoyfriend happened to be here and within seconds he was barking orders that we were scurrying to carry out. "Babe, I need the (insert random tool name here) from my truck", etc, etc. Carpet ripped out, padding ripped out, and holes poked in ceilings and buckets in place…..

Once the immediate crisis was past, LeBoyfriend had quite a few hours work with us last week! For a time, communication through the upstairs bathroom and the kitchen took place through a gaping hole. I haven't stopped smiling (privately) to myself yet. Husband never screws up. It's not something he allows himself and he does his best to make sure no one else screws up around him (constant reminders and unsolicited advice, etc). But this time he pulled a doozy. He has yet to acknowledge that he screwed up. But the rest of us are relieved to see a bit of humanity in him. Not humility. But humanity.

Never the less, I have simply mopped up, acted normal and I'm very grateful that it was not any worse than it was. (LeBoyfriend's hourly wage ain't cheap and I refuse to take advantage of the relationship - he gets paid!)

She got a car. $970 and 175,000 miles on it, a few leaks and a few quirks, but she now has "her freedom". After she unlocks the door on the passenger side each morning and reaches over and opens the driver's door from inside - she's good to go!! And the bullet hole in the left rear panel is extra ventilation, right!?!

Seriously, it's a really cute car (even has a little spoiler on the back) and it suits her. I bought her a sticker (she picked) that says "Faith, hope, love" to go on the back window. It will take all three to keep it on the road, but she's proud of it, and I'm proud of her!

Getting the car was a big issue with her dad. He wasn't opposed to her having a car, just not his, and not yet. She scrimped, saved, chased down ads on Craig's List, and LeBoyfriend checked out the ones she found and loaned her a bit of money so she'd have enough to get the one they finally decided on.

Her dad admitted to me that he is afraid she will use it to get heroin. I am afraid she will get heroin from a fellow employee, or someone who meets her at the gym after I have dropped her off, or in the parking lot after a meeting. Having the car doesn't make it any more likely, I don't think. Easier maybe? But if she's not done, then she's not done. And she needs to find that out, make her decisions, and learn what she has to learn. We can't continue to try to come between her and her lessons. That's my opinion, anyway. Her dad says we still have an obligation to try to fix this. Ummm. No.

The honeymoon period is certainly over, but thankfully, I can't point to anything that is wrong. She is cranky at times, but she is starving herself and has lost 25 pounds with a stringent diet and a LOT of exercise. That would make me cranky.

So would being chased down the street in her jammies by a mad man who found her at the end of the driveway smoking when she thought he was in the shower. Oopsie!

She is a bit edgy. Le Boyfriend has noticed. The edginess started when the meds were changed a few months ago. Seems to be getting worse as fewer pills disappear from her bottle. But it is her unmedicated, bipolar "normal", that I think I am seeing/hearing.

She is paying her bills to us, and she has gotten car insurance and is paying for her cell phone, gas, etc.

Her father is often cranky also. That is his modus operandi, or whatever the word is. He actually used the words "cranky and morose" to describe his feelings in the one family therapy group we attended back in the days of the first rehab. He is sometimes the spitting image of his own father. It can sometimes be a sad image, hunched over the newspaper or the news show, frowning, muttering. I wish that he could be happier. I can't fix that either. Damn.

He and DD2 clash now and again. He's still harping on the cigs. And he told her the car was going to be a problem, as far as parking around here.... We have six cars here now, for 3.1 drivers.

He wasn't willing to let her drive one of his "ever again", so duh, she got one of her own. I work at home and never go anywhere so I am the 0.1 driver. I kind of like having to only deal with three other people on the job: Me, Myself and I. We usually agree on things like naps and breaks.

I guess it's a guy thing, but his "problem" could be alleviated if he would get rid of some of his cars. Two are never (hardly ever) driven, except around the block to recharge the battery. Otherwise he pats them lovingly, pays for the insurance and registration, and that's it (a big 2006 Chevy van and an old VW Vanagon). In all fairness we have occasionally used the Chevy van to bring home long boards for fencing, or bags of dirt…. But we could have rented a van when necessary and been money ahead…. That car payment was steep, for several years! Oh well, he has his Flee Van in case we have to flee because of terrorism or earthquake, five dogs in crates and maybe me and the kids in crates too - who knows!?!

The other two cars, he takes turns driving to work. They are beaters with high miles and refuse to die. Four cars, for he and I. Our oldest daughter bought a car she is paying off that is hers and hers alone. So DD2 bought herself this beater. And SHE is causing a problem with the parking around here?

I have made it clear to the girls that when it's just me and their dad, life is very okay for me. They worry when he's cranky and morose, and they tend to forget the flowers he brings me, the little surprises from time to time that he leaves in their rooms, the "you're beautiful" he directs at me at the oddest times (like when I'm covered with sweat and mud from the garden), etc. He and I can live quite contentedly and happily here, and (importantly) we don't push each other's buttons. So I don't need to hear about what a pain he can be.

I certainly can be a witch with a capital "B".

But, I can keep my promises to have and to hold, and I truly am content with my life and with him, as long as he's the only one I have to deal with. But add them to the mix, 24/7, and there come the arguments. His mouth gets into gear before his brain, hurtful and unnecessary triggering things are said, and they're off in another skirmish.

And when it gets right down to it, at the ages of 28 and 30, they should not be here. But with the economy and housing/rental prices in O.C., and the job market? It is what it is.

She's really doing very well, all things considered. I am oh-so-proud of her and I pray her efforts continue. I pray, pray, pray that we are able to hold on until December when she and LeBoyfriend are off parole, because that is when they want to get a place together. One of my friends is downsizing in July and has suggested to them that they get a small storage unit by then, cos she will be giving them a lot of nice things like pots, pans, tables, shelves, etc. They are THRILLED!

I've been working very hard on my garden. With gas prices so high, it's no wonder produce prices are at an all time high too. I don't really enjoy the gardening as far as the digging, spiders, etc. I have dropped hints that This Mama would love a Baby Rototiller for Mother's day, or Flag Day, or the third Friday after the full moon. I'm thinking those Mantis tillers are just my speed! (well, all but the price! although it's less than one month's payment on a Chevy Van.... heh heh!)

But I really really like picking my dinner 30 minutes before I cook it, and knowing it is pesticide-free, and after the cost of seeds, amazingly inexpensive! I'm trying to balance a couple hours in garden digging, with a couple hours in my quilting/sewing room, both after a full day's work, every single day, in the home office and half days on the weekends.

Actually, the problematic car is a bit of a good thing to me. I was pretty tired of the increased driving, though I counted it a blessing to have the opportunity!

I told her before she came home from prison, repeatedly, that I did not think we were the right place for her. As much as I love her, and oh I love her so much!, we are not the healthiest place for her.

I say this each time, and then I get behind the majority vote and try my best to be supportive and encouraging. More often than not, I end up trying to restate hurtful things that are said, in a less hurtful way. "He really means that there will be times when all the cars are too much for the parking space we have, and garbage day is one of those times" I chirp, when he blurts out "I told you that your car was going to be a problem."

Hi, my name is Joy and I am still working on my codependency issues!

My prayers continue for all our children and loved ones…..

P.S. Happy Mothers' Day to all the moms!

She's every bit as awesome as I expected!

2011-04-16T08:59:00.000-07:00

I met Barbara last night at the Lifelines meeting! I walked over to the coffee area outside the facility, where they have "the meeting before the meeting" and there she was! She's warm and compassionate, and even more pretty in person than her pictures and Yay! for finally getting to meet her!

We were able to talk a bit while the kids participated in the Smoking Ritual that precedes and follows the meetings. The meeting itself was great; I get an infusion of hope each time I'm there and see some of the old timers with multiple years of recovery, and watching the distribution of chips, etc. It can be done!

The speaker was excellent. I would love, love, love to just sit in more situations like that and absorb more knowledge. I have already read Barbara's post about it, and I was struck by the comments the speaker made about love also. I tend to have the same reaction to an expression of love, or even a compliment. Sigh. I must work on that.

In addition, the speaker mentioned that 80% of addicts carry the damage/hurt/pain of some sort of abuse with them. Not all who are abused become addicts. But 80% of those who are addicts have been abused. I commented to Barbara afterwards, that THAT is one of my biggest confusions. We have it drilled into us as parents, that we DID NOT CAUSE IT, can't cure it, can't fix it, etc. And yet, for 80% of the addicts, something happened "on our watch" as parents, either by our own hands/voices or someone else's that our children were entrusted to, that deeply hurt our kids. (Of course, it's probably the codependant part of me that is assuming that my daughter is in that 80%? Had to be something I was responsible for, right?!! Hmmmm.)

I mentioned this to DD2 as we drove home. That I am so sorry for whatever part I may have played, by omission or commission, in her life that led to her pain. I know I can't fix it now, but I really wish I knew exactly how we screwed up. I'm not saying I caused it. But I know and she confirms (on multiple occasions to different therapists and treatment specialists and to me) that she was not abused, molested, beaten, etc. She never suffered the rants of a drunken parent. We were, and we are, FAR from perfect. I'm thinking perhaps there was something more subtle. She thinks it was more verbal, and involved her dad's verbal treatment of both her, her sister, and me, and my remaining with him in spite of it. She reiterated, "I don't think it's anything you did, Mom, I had everything I needed or wanted, I don't think you guys are responsible."

So we're back to the full circle. I may never know what it was. I'm over feeling guilty about it, because I carry crappy baggage from my own childhood that has shaped me and caused my own mental health and self esteem issues…. And yet I fully believe my parents, who were damaged themselves by their well-meaning but dysfunctional families, did the absolute best they could and loved/love me fiercely.

I didn't cause it, can't cure it, can't fix it. But still, something happened on "my watch" as her dad calls it, that left a gaping painful void that she tried to fill with drugs. Ugh.

At any rate, I am back to my gratitudes and my focus is on the positives. There are many, but in particular: My daughter is sober and continues to plod forward, rebuilding her life, and I got to meet a beautiful woman named Barbara last night and I hope we get to see each other again soon!

P.S. My name has slipped out on several occasions on this blog in comments, etc. I'm fine with that - Hi, my name is Joy, and I'm a codependant and a funloving, crazy, but harmless one, at that! :)

Tonight

2011-04-15T12:41:00.000-07:00

I've missed the Lifelines meeting for a couple of weeks due to this thing called Life, and this other thing called Work.

But tonight, I'm going, meeting daughter and LeBoyfriend there,

and....

drumroll...........

If all goes well, I'm meeting one of us!!

I won't say any more in case that pesky Life stuff gets in the way. But I have my fingers crossed. I'll be waiting. By the coffee pots.

And since I just helped LeBoyfriend offload 30 two-cubic-foot bags of well-cooked compost (from a stable, a mixture of manure and sawdust from an area sawmill!) out of the back of his truck....

Yeah, that'll be me. The one that smells faintly of horse poo! Waiting with a big hug!!

One day at a time, one year!

2011-04-06T11:15:00.001-07:00

My daughter, LeBoyfriend and LeBoyfriend's brother all have one year clean today.

All are working. All are attending The Crossing Church.

My daughter is impatient about having wheels. But this too, will come. She's trying to save her money, and her dad helpfully (?) reminded her she'd need insurance and that gas costs may keep the wheels parked in the driveway from time to time.

She is passing both classes she is taking at the community college. One with a C, one with a B. She has plans to take two courses next semester. One will be a business class, as she hopes to someday be the "office staff" behind LeBoyfriend's construction/driving company.

I'm not convinced she is taking her medication properly and I AM convinced it is not as effective as the one they initially sent her home with, from prison. LeBoyfriend has noticed and commented to her that there is a difference in her "edginess" but this seems to be slowly resolving. This comes under the heading of "not my business". So I won't move it into my hula hoop!

The needling from the Dad about the cigarettes continues. She ignores his comments, or answers calmly and then goes right out the door and up the street to smoke. He seems to be wearying of the efforts to engage her in that conflict. Yay!

We've been a party of four in this home again, for four months. It is a decision I do not regret. I treasure each moment that I have with her, seeing her interact with her sister and playing with her dog, driving her to work/parole/psych, going shopping with her on her payday for a new shirt for her datenight with LeBoyfriend. I am revelling in the beauty of having her in our lives, clean, sober and healthy. We have our not-so-pretty moments here, but I am amazed at how well this has gone, thus far.

She's not doing 'meetings' so to speak, except the one 12-step meeting at Lifelines every Friday night at the Crossing Church. The last Friday of the month, the year birthdays are celebrated. I'll be there with her sister, to see her take that chip at the end of this month.

I'll be the one with the box of Kleenex tucked under one arm. My emotionalism is still at an all time high, but I remain,

one very grateful,

hopeful,

Mom of a Beautiful Young Woman who just happens to suffer from the disease of Addiction.

Prayers for all our loved ones and their families continue!

Hard work continues

2011-02-28T09:39:00.000-08:00

She's getting her butt out of the bed at 4:45 every morning, smoking a cig on the front porch (while The Dad still sleeps) and sipping her coffee while psyching herself up for the day.

She's at work on time daily (I give her a ride but I do not get her up, or insist that she get in the car by a certain time - I just get myself ready and work at my desk until she says she's ready, grab my keys, and off we go).

She's making just over minimum wage and grateful. She's thinking about taking on a another job to help save money for a car. She's trying to be an Avon erep, but money is tight for everyone! She has to sell $80.00 worth of Avon a month just to cover the cost of the website, so I think she may stop that soon. The whole reason she wanted to do it was to put the profit after costs into a "car fund".

She's taking her medications. The parole psych doctor changed them recently and she seems less stable on the new combination. But that's for her to discuss with her doctor, I guess.

She is taking one class on campus at the local college and one online (at same college).

She paid "rent" immediately, for the whole month, with her first paycheck.

She lives for her weekends, which is her time to get to a meeting at the Crossing, and also to spend time with LeBoyfriend either at his family's house, or ours. They are very low key on the weekends, preferring to go to a movie, fix pizza at home, and attend Sunday services with his family.

She followed up on her financial aid applications this past week and discovered she qualified for fee waivers resulting in a complete refund to her dad for class costs and registration fees. Yay!

Against this backdrop of continued effort and positive results, I feel like I have no room to gripe! It's not the rosy picture it seems, given that The Dad continues to needle her daily about her smoking, and is trying to insure that we only drive the 20 miles to the Friday night church recovery meeting every other week. Gas costs are painful, and he "doesn't see the need." (Her commute to work each day is 1.3 miles - what a blessing!)

You can imagine how his lack of understanding of her need to get to a meeting of her choice once a week is impacting my serenity. She took the bus down there last week - the trip took an hour and a half, straight through the areas where she "connected" most often when using. Yes, I know it is codependent of me to be concerned about this. But really, wouldn't spending $8-10 a week in gas to get her to a meeting be "enabling recovery"? His constant needling about her smoking isn't helping her OR me either. She is dutifully walking up the street four lots to smoke at a vacant corner as per his wishes (except for that morning cigarette that he sleeps through), and still, daily he tells her "too many, too many, you promised you would stop", etc. She takes it in stride, but geez.

If you read about some crazy woman in SoCal taking a garden hoe to her husband's head, you'll know it was me.

She's doing SO well. I look at her efforts and her successes (high praise from her bosses, making the choice to skip an optional free drinks/food celebration with her coworkers at a bar because she thought it might be a trigger, voluntarily picking up extra hours on Saturdays, carefully budgeting to start paying probation and back taxes, and unbeknownst to The Dad, purchasing his birthday present two months early because she saw something that he will love…..) and I think she's really doing an AWESOME job working on her recovery and rebuilding her life.

I don't understand my own state of mind right now. I'm positively schizoid. I'm profoundly grateful and at the same time, exhausted, stressed, and emotional. I think I have had tears in my eyes about ten times already today. What's up with that!

Maybe its hormones or menopause or something like that. Maybe it's the financial strain of my economy. Note I did not say The Economy. The only economy that I'm really worried about is mine, and mine sucks.

But really, it's all good. She's clean, productive, and willing (98% of the time!). That pretty much outweighs everything else! I am so proud of her.... love her so much!

At any rate, I am just checking in, and thought I'd post an update. Now, I'm going to take my grateful self off to take a nap!

Continuing to pray for all our families and our precious children…..

Seven weeks of hard work later....

2011-01-25T15:03:00.000-08:00

Some good things to report!

I’ve been scarce and I apologize. I’ve been peeking at blogs now and then but for the most part, I’ve been busier than I would have believed possible.

DD2 is doing pretty well, all things considered. Really well, in fact.

1. She is sober.
2. She has been taking her medications.
3. She has been wallpapering the internet with her resume, and we’ve been out almost daily, for interviews, often dropping off additional resumes along the way.
4. She has seen parole, and the judge, when scheduled.
5. She is attending meetings at The Crossing Church.

It’s all finally paying off.

She went before the judge and this was the first and only time I’ve been to court with her. Her public defender failed to show up! The judge (along with everyone we encountered along the way, making the court date, getting paperwork, etc) had no clue why we were there.

When told that the Probation office wanted to violate her for an offense that the courts say they did not want her for….(long story)……the judge told her he had nothing to say to her. She begged him to give her something in writing, stating that Probation was telling her to turn herself in for arrest, if this was not “squashed.” The judge peered over his glasses at her. He listened while a side bar probation representative piped up and confirmed that the on-line records she had pulled up on her screen confirmed this, and then bellowed “Is Probation really going to try to tell me what to do in MY courtroom?!”

Everyone snickered. The Probation representative said she was calling DD2’s probation officer and telling her it was squashed.

DD2 walked out of the courtroom with everything settled. No violations, no jail time, no additional prison time. She had done the leg work and paper work in prison, and she was free to get on with her life. She reports only to Parole, who immediately put her on “informal”. They talk once a month. The end.

LeBoyfriend briefly was jailed and then his judge did the same. He’s out and working. Yes, WORKING!

LeBoyfriend’s brother did not fair as well. Four months more, in prison, for the same violation that my daughter’s judge refused to weigh in on.

Did my daughter get Justice? Not at all. Grace? You bet.

She has kept putting one foot in front of the other. The job search has been dismal. One company called her back for FOUR additional interviews and then sent her a rejection letter. Ugh.

She's settled in well here at home. The only real problem we are having is the smoking issue. I can deal with everything else that has come up. But when her dad starts in on the smoking, I literally get dizzy. She trots down the block several times a day to smoke. He is furious that friends are giving her cigarettes. I mentioned once that his mother smoked til she died (of some type of stomach cancer) at 77, and I'd be grateful to have DD2 that long..... Cigarette versus needle. Give me a break. There is just no comparison. He is irrational on the subject and I have left that up to the two of them. I am not coming between them, not negotiating, not trying to change anyone's mind. Not my battle.

She’s taking three classes at a local college this semester. Two online (a history and a sociology), and one on campus (a Microsoft Suite class I’m taking with her). We will conquer Excel, Outlook, Access and Word together – because my days in the transcription biz are dwindling, as proven by my disappearing income!

She’s applied for a grant and we should hear about that next week. Every little bit helps. If she gets the grant, she plans to pay her dad back for the classes/books and then try to get a cheap laptop, as the classes are online (history and sociology), or word processing (Microsoft Suite).

On recommendation of Parole, she decided to pursue SSI, and started the process (four months long) on Monday. If she gets a job, she can stop that process at any time, but she figured it would be better to get it started, than find out four months from now that she still was unemployed.

Today, she had another interview and we stopped at the library on the way home to pick up a few more books for her to read. When we got home, she had a message from one of the jobs she had applied for that she really wanted. The guy she had interviewed with said “he was really excited about talking with her again and to please call him as soon as possible.”

She went upstairs to make the call and moments later the screaming started. “I got it, I got it!”

It’s a customer service job, phones, dispatch, paperwork, small office, auto collision repair company, business casual dress code, 30 hours a week now, 40 hours a week soon, and she thinks there are benefits.

One and a half miles from our house.

We haven’t stopped dancing yet.

Prayers continue for all our beloved children and families!

The hard work begins

2010-12-15T13:15:00.000-08:00

Checking in.... not much time to write because this week is really the busy week. Last week was wonderful, and not as stressful. This week has been a long, time-consuming, and serenity-busting effort to get her where she needs to be to cut through a tremendous amount of bureaucratic ~~horse puckey~~ red tape.

Apparently, despite the fact that she filed every form known to man relating to warrants, and despite the fact that her counselor in prison stated there were no warrants, and despite the fact that she rode the bus home a free woman, and despite the fact that parole says she is not "wanted".....

Probation still wants her for two violations (missing an appointment, and picking up new charges - the ones that resulted in the prison time). DD2 even found paperwork (minutes, online) from her felony settlement hearing that show she signed for all cases to run concurrently and for there to be no warrants or holds when she completed prison term. The probation office (the boss of her probation officer) still wants this persued.

She has kept her cool through all of this. Her probation officer doesn't want her on her caseload. Budget cuts are keeping her caseload at a crushing level and she just doesn't need more to keep tabs on. She has basically told my daughter what to do, what to file, where to file it, and told her that she will not arrest her at this time. She wants her to keep on doing what she's doing. She is taking her meds, looking for work, registering for her college class, going to court to meet with judge, etc. Her officer said she is writing a report summarizing everything and asking that the case for those two violations be dismissed.

LeBoyfriend's and his brother's probation officer isn't so accommodating. The boys are in jail, and could stay there for 60-120 days. And their officer is fine with that.

While she was trotting around the courthouse getting signatures and basically serving the DA notice that she has an appointment with the judge to settle this, five different court offices said, "what the heck - we don't see anything here that you need to be doing this for."

And yet, the boys, who had the same charges, same case and same sentence as she, are in jail. They may go back to prison over this. The DA could apparently decide to do the same to my daughter.

This comes under that lovely heading of Consequences, but I have not mentioned that out loud. This whole process can be serving to reinforce to them that they really want to leave this behind and work on their recovery.

In the meantime, against this backdrop she has gone on three interviews, and gotten a job offer. She is going out "in the field" on this job tomorrow at the boss's invitation, to be sure she wants to do it. Apparently the job is hers if she observes for an afternoon and wants the work. It's a marketing position that she thinks she would enjoy.

She's taking her meds. She's running miles every day. She's waiting for an email that says she can complete the registration process for the college class. She's making a quilt for Le Boyfriend for Christmas (which may be celebrated in March!). She's going to meetings. She's staying positive (though very manic at times, with this recent court issue). She's gotten a job and tested clean today for probation.

Her officer basically told her, "I'm going to bat for you. It may not work. But never the less, don't "f#%k me over, and abscond or get loaded, because I'll send you away for years." And she would!

We'll know more after we find out if the boys get given more time, and we'll know more after she sees the judge on the 27th. In the meantime, she's going to "keep doing the next right thing" (her words).

She says she is going to get going with this job, stay on her meds and stay healthy, and write LeBoyfriend lots of letters. She asked me to come with her for the Friday night meeting at the Crossing Church this week. It's a special comedy show for the first half. Then she'll head to her Women's 12-step meeting and I'll head to a Coda meeting. Next week should be calmer with her working daily and things settling into place.

We are grateful beyond words for this little interlude. We're soaking up the good times, letting her handle everything she can on her own, and stepping in to provide transportation when the bus isn't going where she needs to be. I've not reminded her about her meds, but I see her taking them. She gets a bit frantic at times but usually can self-calm, or be reassured that God is handling this just like He thinks would be best for her.

Thought for today, that the Crossing Church posted on the LifeLines facebook page:
Recovery is a journey between two stations. One station represents total chaos, and the other represents total serenity. What is important is not where you are, but what direction you are facing.

Prayers for all our children and families continue!

"T -2"

2010-12-02T15:33:00.000-08:00

Two days and she’ll be home. Her room is ready. Clean sheets, vacuumed, dusted….

The room had become a junk closet of sorts, over the past couple of years. In the last month or so, the room has regurgitated all over the house, a lot of junk has been thrown away, the house contents have shifted and resettled with a contented sigh, and I swear, even her dog knows she’s coming home.

Every time her little Shiba Inu walks past her door, she looks in expectantly and then visibly deflates when she doesn’t find her there. Each time the front door opens, she perks up, runs for it and then sort of yawns when she sees it’s just us…. And goes back to her spot by the sofa to snooze. I don’t know how she knows that her owner is on the way home, but she does!

They’ve changed my daughter’s medications once again. This time I think we have a winner. I’m not sure of the exact cocktail, but the recent addition of Lamictal has made a startling improvement. And the best part of that improvement is that DD2 seems to be appreciative of the results. She isn’t feeling the highs and lows of her bipolar cycles as sharply as she usually does.

We still have our NAMI book/resources handy and remain cognizant that medication compliance is a huge concern. Only she can decide if it is important to her.

She will board a bus Saturday morning. She swiped plastic bags from the kitchen during her last few working days, to haul her Bibles and her recovery books home in. I hope that works, but if not, maybe she can buy a bag along the way with her “gate money”. I have no idea what’s available in a bus station, but it seems like a bag dispenser would be a good idea. She will ride all day. And at 7:40 pm (if they get her to the starting point on time!), she will be home.

We’ll all three be waiting with bear hugs. :)

After the weekend, she starts the hard work of rebuilding her life. Parole meetings, mental health meetings, job search, NA/AA meetings, church, and hopefully some fun along the way with her sister and her sober girlfriends, all of whom are anxious to have her back.

I cannot wait to hug her and hear her voice and feel the energy she brings to our household. I’m scared. Apparently, that’s 100% normal! I am so very grateful for this opportunity to make more memories with her and to enable her to seek her continued recovery, on the way to stepping out there on her own successfully.

We plan to sit down regularly to listen to her concerns and plans, and after Christmas, she/we will decide if she may be staying longer (whether she has gotten a job she can actually reach easily from this house is a huge factor in that, and she is considering enrolling for a class or two), or if she might be moving to a recovery home, etc.

We have zero expectations, much hope, and boundaries.

(and peanut butter, coffee and hazelnut creamer!) We’re ready!

Prayers continue for all our families and beloved children!

We have a plan, man.... with boundaries....

2010-11-13T10:38:00.000-08:00

We’ve got options. We’ve got ideas. We’ve got additional information regarding her health issues. We’ve got a daughter alluding to willingness (that is yet to be proven. But it’s a start.).

We’ve even got back up.

All this to say, DD2 will be joining our household again in December for sure.

We’re crazy, I’m well aware (all of us in this house)….but hopefully we’re harmless. I know of at least two persons in our blogging community who would think we need to have our heads examined. That’s okay.

My oldest daughter and my husband initially wished to do this, and though I continue to be concerned that we are not the best place for her, we have jointly decided to at least seriously try it. We’ve weighed the advice and opinions of a wide range of voices.

What it all boiled down to, was whether letting her come here would enable recovery, as opposed to all sorts of other enabling (not good).

She paroles on December 4th. (Hopefully. Right now, she has a “hold”, but no warrants that can be found by her old probation officer, or the online info sites…if the "hold" is still in place when she is released, she’ll get transferred to the OC jail and released after a judge puts two and two together and gets “no warrants.” She hates the thought of that, but on the flip side, is delighting in the thought that they would bus her down here and she’d still get the full amount of “gate” money from parole when she meets with them…. Basically they’d have bought her fare home.)

We’ll meet the bus when/if she gets to O.C., or we will pick her up from the local jail after the red tape gets cut. She may stay with us for December, and during that time, she will “do what she has to do” per parole. Parole is insisting on mandatory mental health treatment, medications, doctor appointments, meetings, job search, etc.

Benefits of staying here will include a fridge full of healthy food, low rent!, a safe home, a drug free environment, the occasional ride, and a lot of love. There are negatives, and she will have to weigh things out.

We don’t have to try to map out her life for her. That’s not our business. Parole is laying down the rules and it’s up to her to follow them and accomplish what they want. If we can give rides, within the confines of our own work schedules, we will. I work from my home, full time, but it’s very adaptable and I can often be away for a bit, and make that up later. If not, we’ll get her to the bus stop (nearest one is three miles away).

Big issue: She has a no contact order with Le Boyfriend for the duration of parole: 13 months. This makes absolutely no sense to me, and is, in my opinion, the one thing that could most likely trigger a relapse for her. He, she, and his brother were arrested together. They would normally all be under a no contact order, however, he and the brother may get to live together at their family’s home, because they are blood relatives. She and they are not supposed to have contact outside of public meetings (NA/AA), or church.

(Don’t think getting married by proxy hasn’t occurred to them to circumvent this, but as yet, they’re not investigating it.)

My personal opinion is that if they are going to go down in flames (relapse together), that’s what they’re going to do. Putting that kind of restriction on them is just going to make getting together that much more attractive. It’s human nature. And if they are caught together (even doing something as innocent as grabbing coffee at a Starbucks right next to a meeting) it’s twelve months prison automatically for violating, and then they start the 13 months parole over again.

Stupid, unnecessary, but it is, what it is! She can deal with it, 13 months, or 25 months, her choice! (her consequences!)

Back to the “living with us” issue: We’ve tried leaving her “out there” to do it on her own. In the past decade, we’ve done that so often we can’t even count all of the occasions. And it did not ever result in her “getting” it. Her mania surfaced, she made impulsive decisions, she had a drink, she used, she nearly died, she got arrested.

Every single time.

She has occasionally lasted a couple months in a sober home environment.

We’ve tried having her here with us. There have been times when she came home to “kick it” and after going through detox, she couldn’t take it and she left. And the conclusion (on those occasions) was the same. She managed to live long enough to get arrested. (Once was after that memorial day where she walked through the front window.)

But there have been times when she came here, and she got significant clean time under her belt. The only time, in fact, that she has ever gotten any significant clean time was while living here.

In particular, after one lengthy stent in jail, she came here, took her medications, went to mental health counseling appointments, got a job, bought a car from us, worked full time, was an awesome sponsee and an awesome sponsor of several, and she came within one week of getting her two year chip. This particular extended season of sobriety is what fuels my husband and my oldest daughter’s desire to allow her to try working on her recovery here again.

To this day, I don’t know what made her relapse, and really, it isn’t important. It is her business.

But what if she could get that long again? Or longer? What if she could start out with us, and then successfully move out on her own? My husband mentions this, and then reminds himself and me that she’s done best here in the past, and then alternately reminds me that nothing really works. We’re nothing if not contradictory!

My husband has continued to remind her of the negatives of living with us. He wants her here, but he wants her to be aware that there are boundaries. She continues to request that she be permitted to parole home.

The letters I’m getting from her are clearly thought out. Her handwriting is precise, controlled, and the effectiveness of her medications is obvious. Medication compliance is going to be a condition of her parole. She seems to be significantly more cognizant of the importance of her medications for her bipolar illness. She mentions wanting to stay sober, get a job, go on walks with her sister, go out with her sister for movies or shows, go to church, go to meetings, etc.

It is possible we would be welcoming home the daughter who almost got two years. It is possible that we could give her an environment of encouragement and unconditional love, but with our own boundaries in place.

We will not live with drugs or smoking.

We will not live with theft.

We charge rent!

We will not knowingly participate in deceiving parole. (Le Boyfriend will not be here if she is here. Not to do odd construction jobs for us, and not for family dinners.)

If she can be here and contribute to the household in positive ways, and we can enable her to more easily seek her own recovery and she uses this time to rebuild her life in a positive fashion, however she sees fit, then perhaps we can do this for a time.

It will be up to her. During December, she will get a chance to decide what she wants to do. After the ‘honeymoon period’, when the chips are down and things get monotonous, and the WORK of recovery is staring her in the face, if she wants to stay, and is in agreement as to respecting our boundaries, then perhaps we can continue to give it a go. Frequent, open, honest discussion is going to be necessary.

The end of the honeymoon period concerns me, because right now she has a rosy memory of living here. She has forgotten the chaos of Dad’s five dogs (some of whom do not get along and require strategic rotation in and out of areas of the house), and she’s forgotten things like the emotional hits of living in close proximity as a family. It can be good. And it can be hurtful. I think this is true of any family to some extent. Sometimes with us, it seems a bit more critical.

For example, she’s forgotten that every single night, you can’t even speak to each other in the kitchen or bang pots and pans because Dad is 20 feet away in the den area watching the news (not once, but several episodes, along with other taped shows he records), and he will snap his fingers and bark “keep it down!” at anyone who makes noise. Or he turns up the volume to the point that I can’t hear my music or the little TV I’m watching upstairs in my sewing room. One would think watching TV in another location (closed bedroom?) would be an option for him, but it’s not one he uses very often.

We’re a family with more than one person who isn’t as healthy or mature as they should be, emotionally (myself included). And the clashes will come. She needs that honeymoon period to reacquaint herself with this family that LOVES her oh-so-much, but like any family, is not perfect and isn’t always a rosy place to live. She, and we, will need to decide if we want to continue this past December. Clashes at home have been used as an excuse to relapse in the past. Only she can decide if she is going to truly seek recovery.

Our back up? Boy, do we have back up. She will be “on loan” to O.C. Parole, from Riverside Parole, the county that she was arrested in/sentenced from. If she screws up, she loses their permission to live in O.C. and has to move to Riverside and work through the Riverside Parole office for the remainder of the 13 months. If for any reason, circumstances lead us to not be comfortable with these arrangements any longer (plainly stated to me, three times, by the parole officer who came and “inspected us”), all we have to do is call them. She will be transferred back to Riverside parole office, and have to live there (30 miles away). Period. No questions, no negotiations. That would be a difficult step to take, but the option is there.

The opinions expressed by those I have talked this over with have been a little surprising. One treatment specialist of hers that I still talk with now and then, has said in the past that he thinks “the rent is too high” at our house. His comment is directly aimed at the price of her and her dad trying to coexist. And he states categorically that he knows how much she is loved by her dad; he just also knows this family well enough to know this may not be a good idea. He stated it would be up to her, whether or not it would work. He said her Dad’s not going to change; she will have to change how she responds to him. Also, one of her former closest friends (an addict with five years clean time) is skeptical. He thinks she will never “get it”. He no longer speaks/writes to her.

On the flip side, all of the others whom I have talked with about this during our initial consideration, have all been in favor of this trial arrangement, given the boundaries and the backup. These include another AOD counselor, therapist, several parents at my parents-only Alanon meeting, and a blogging parent or two. I feel like we have bounced our thinking off a good variety of other “thinkers”.

I may be scarce(r) in the future in the blogging realm, but will continue to follow blogs and hopefully throw up a post now and then. My DH is committed to helping more this time and will do a significant amount of the driving but I will be busier too. It is time consuming, helping her, even in a healthy fashion! I don’t mind that at all! But, it will be imperative that I take care of me (think Exercise!) and that I have time to get in my happy place and sew a bit. Creating things is just a part of who I am.

We’re looking for a bit of a fresh start church-wise, hoping to find a new church home where we don’t have such a history and one that also has an active Celebrate Recovery program, close to the house. Our financial situation remains tight, due to this supposedly recovering economy, DH’s part-time hours, and my business being about 50% of normal…. We’re not oozing money and can’t afford the time or the gas to drive all over heck’s half acre to get her places and get to church activities too.

It will all work out! In just the manner that it should. It’s in God’s hands, and it’s up to her!

At this point, we’re going to give it an honest try. I think it has to do with that four letter word…..

H O P E!!

Prayers for all our families continue!

Back home and settled....

2010-10-15T20:32:00.000-07:00

I’m just checking in. I still read blogs daily, and comment here and there. My prayers continue! I am busy with my transcription business and work has actually picked up a little.

I had a long boring post planned.... I scrapped it for this one. Believe it or not, this one is not as long.... Not sure about the boring part!

The night before I was to leave for my trip to Big Sky Country, my dictation system began to fail. I had to call my parents and tell them that the first trip in two years to see them was going to be cancelled. After I hung up from that sad call, I sat in a stupor for a bit, and then started looking for “work arounds”.

Eventually, it dawned on me that the perfectly good voice files still being phoned in by the doctors could be copied over to a flash drive and emailed to me at Mom and Dad’s, and I could distribute them by email, to the ladies that work with me. (Normally they log onto a website and download the work whenever they want it.)

So for a week, my oldest daughter started and finished her day doing just that! She’d copy any dictated voice files and email them to me from a different computer. Then she’d bolt out the door to a day of full time work and night classes at her college and come home and repeat the process before going to bed.

It worked! I called Dad from the airport the next morning and told him I was boarding the original flight plan. I’m sure the airline personnel figured they had a real dingbat in seat 10A. I was grinning from ear to ear, and crying. (I absolutely totally hate to fly – I am terrified of it!)

Despite the rocky start, I had a wonderful week with my parents and all of my business issues were handled on time, without a hitch. I am going back to see my folks in March.

Since coming home, the dictation system has been replaced with a new one (ouch!$$$!). My “peeps” are back to receiving their work when they want it, without waiting for it to be emailed. I named the new system “Mr. Hurrah”. Mr. Hurrah’s first name is “Last.” It is my fervent hope that this is indeed the last dictation system I ever have to purchase. I want to be semi-retired long before this one wears out. Hope springs!

I’m trying to get a fair amount of stuff done before my daughter’s release in December. I want to be able to be of some assistance to her, in a healthy way, without being bogged down in Christmas deadlines, etc. It is a bad time of year for me, emotionally, for many reasons. Our holidays haven’t been merry and bright in years – in fact last Christmas was the saddest and most horrifically stressful I ever remember. (and she was in jail, for Pete’s sake, so one would think it would have been fairly calm!) It culminated in a Christmas Day that was just nightmarish. I had a sense of unreality all day, and there was a fight amongst family members that was of epic proportions. I just realized I can’t remember anything about last Christmas Day except that fight. That is sad.

Anyway, in an effort to take care of ME, I’m eliminating as many of pressures these days as possible. It’s just not worth it, and life is too short! Simple may prove to be way better, for us, year round! I hope we can focus on only the reason for the celebratory seasons or events in our lives, and focus on the love we share as a family. I’m trying to take the time to jot down a gratitude list every morning and that helps!

My project for the crisis centers that my parents work with is continuing – my friendship group (which now also includes my sister in SC and my dad, bless his heart!) has made about 20 quilts. The women and children who find themselves at the centers will hopefully be a little warmer (hearts and bodies!) as the cold weather approaches. I have found this very personally satisfying and who knows if I’ll ever have another opportunity to work on a project with my sister and my dad, that means so much to Dad and Mom, especially! I’m looking forward to some of my own projects after this – We are only two quilts away from finishing the crisis center project.

(my dad, ironing the last square of a "string" quilt that he and I made entirely from scraps, while I was there)

(here Dad puts the last square in line on the floor.... and then we sewed them all together!)

(We stood on the front porch in a brisk wind to get this picture of the finished quilt top. I'll quilt it with batting and backing next week. I think we did pretty well!!)

Life is good! I continue to read, study, seek, learn, and hope! We (DH, DD1 and I) have some major decisions to make as a family, and we’re taking our time, weighing things, getting input from the professionals and other parents, and at this point, using “Dad and Mom’s” (http://parentsofanaddict.blogspot.com/) method of backing up from conflicting opinions until we reach a point or boundary on which we can agree.

The decisions we come to may seem ‘spot on’ to some, and may seem all wrong to others. We have to decide what our family is comfortable doing at this time. We have to decide from what point we can present a united front. And we have to decide from what point we could potentially face each other over a coffin and say with confidence, “after everything was considered and weighed, we did the best we could do to be there for her in a healthy fashion, and we will see her again.”

Finding those points is very difficult for us, because we would do things very differently if it were just me handling the decisions, or just my husband. It’s funny how far apart we are in our thinking. We’ll get it all figured out in good time. Our oldest daughter is finishing up her last semester of paralegal studies and is looking forward to some Sister Time.

Right now, I haven’t anything really important or very helpful to offer in a post. Just FYI, I’m getting awfully tired of the requests from treatment centers to post their ad on my blog. My opinion of treatment centers in general isn’t that great, so this isn’t well received. Like some of you guys, I’m still waiting for the parents’ rehab center to open. I’d like healthy and fairly expensive food choices, meditation classes, massage therapy, yoga classes, group therapy, recreational therapy, and an enforced lights out each evening, etc. Paid for by wallets other than my own, thank you! Sigh.

Praying for peace in our hearts and recovery for our families….

Big Sky Country

2010-09-15T04:40:00.001-07:00

I am in Wyoming this week, working from my parents' home. Mom and Dad are pampering me and I'm enjoying chickens, horses, clean air, big skies and yesterday I heard thunder for the first time in years. (We don't get thunderstorm very often in SoCal!)

A 'mare's tail' rain cloud moving through....

I've needed the chance to come and see them. It's been two years, and I do not intend to let it go that long again! I will not let my situation at home interfere with something this important: spending time with my parents!

I will be home next week. In the meantime, I'm praying for all of us, and will try to make the rounds and catch up with everyone! We've had a bit of concerning news about my daughter and are contemplating what we will and won't offer her upon her release. Again, it's that fine line between enabling recovery, or enabling her to not face her own responsibilities. More thoughts on that later.

I am so filled with gratitude for the opportunity to spend time with Mom and Dad. That's at the top of a full, grateful heart today. :)

These pictures loaded "small", but hopefully you can click and 'embiggen' them to see them better. It's so pretty here!

A voice from our past....

2010-08-24T14:43:00.001-07:00

You'll probably recall the story of a young man I call my "son" and how he has moved back to live with his folks and is working in 'Bama.... (I'll call him S again, short for Son. His name actually starts with a P, but what the heck!)

He says he's relishing making up for lost time, doing normal little family things like barbequing for his parents (I called him the Master of our Grill!) and generally settling in.

I got an email from him today. A little background: He is the youngest of five siblings. Large span of years between the sibs. His oldest sister's daughter is his niece, but was only a little younger than him. This older sister is alcoholic and while he lived with us, she got sober and now is a certified alcohol and drug counselor! Her daughter R is the niece, and for many years, R resented her mother's lifestyle and hated everything about it. Then she ended up, while S lived with us, embracing all of it. Drugs, alcohol, sex, mahem..... R did it all.

We reached out to her, as did S and my daughter (who was on her way to two years clean at the time). She occasionally visited, but mostly, she would call S when she was in trouble, and he would attempt to act in an uncle-like fashion. Eventually, S detached. Really, completely, detached.

R went on to have twin baby girls with her boyfriend and continued using, with sporatic periods of sobriety.

Fast forward to today. I get an email from S today, and he was forwarding an email from R, that R wanted me to send to my daughter in prison. I cried when I read it because I've been asking him how R was doing for several years now. Finally.... We get some good news (warning: copy/pasted from her email, including the occasional F-bomb):

hey girl! long time no see. how are you holding up? i miss you alot, you know, you and "S" did alot for me. you two were there when no one else was and that means alot. i miss rollin around in your ride all cracked out on coffee blasting the radio. i will never forget those times. i love you!

i wanted to write you because i want you to know that you mean alot to me and let you know where i'm at. As you know i've had some rocky roads to travel, and sadly i had to make it as bad for myself as i could to get where I’m at today.

i have a little over three months clean and sober. it's a complete miracle and i couldn’t of done it if i didn’t take myself to that point of absolute and complete hopelessness. you know i have twin girls right? well i preferred to go to motels, get abused, and get fucked off than to take care of my own daughters. i basically abandoned them, i left them with their other grandmother. i never came back. i was literally on the street and worthless. i never thought i would be that person and i despised myself. i had nothing and no one.. not even my own girls. because of my doing i was not allowed to see them. of course it was his fault or your fault or their fault, i couldn’t accept that i became the exact thing i grew up resenting and hating.

even after all i had done to my family they were there for me when i finally surrendered. i had taken my last beating and i was on a street corner with a pillow case of clothes and a blanket. i called "S" because i had nothing and i needed help. he couldnt do anything for me at the time but i just remeber how i was crying about tyler and it was his fault again but "S" didn’t feed into it. he didn’t give me sympathy so i hung up on him.

i think its funny now but i was so pist off. didnt he know who i was? my mom and her boyfriend who usually give in, didn’t budge this time either. i couldn’t believe it, this time i really had to do something and i had to mean it.

so i went to detox and i went to treatment. i did relapse in treatment after i had 60 days, someone had heroin and i took some without thinking twice. the next day i wanted to die the shame was so bad. i came clean immediately though and surprisingly i had no consequences. That’s not who i am! i don’t want to be that person and live like that ever again! and the worst part of it is, i didn’t even shoot it.. i fuckin snorted it! how sick and sad that makes me feel when i think about it. I’m insane!

but now I’m out of treatment. and for the first time in my life i am satisfied with my life just the way it is right now. I’m trying to go back to school, i have a strong foothold in na aa ca whatever i can get. i don’t live with my daughters which does tear me up, but their other grandmother is taking care of them till i can and they come spend the weekend all the time with me. this is the longest 100% honest clean time I’ve ever had, and this is also the first time i wanted it.

I’m trying really hard to do whatever it takes to make it work this time. i just want you to know i thought i was the most hopeless of all dope fiends really, but now there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. i also want you to know i haven’t forgotten about you, i couldn’t. if you need anything i’m here. i love you xoxo!!

love,
R

As you can imagine, my husband and I were delighted to read this. I mailed a copy to my daughter right away.

I'm not sure what R meant by her family "was there for her", because it sounds like what they did was detach, and take care of the innocent collateral damage (the other grandmother took responsibility for the infant twins). I know the family is helping her now. I know she never ended up in jail or prison and that's a huge blessing. Anyway, I'm sharing it because I feel we need success stories, and examples like this to remind us to Never Give Up Hope.

However, I will say, this is more for us to process into the decision about whether to let our daughter come home when she is released from prison.

I still am doubting that we are the best place for her, and yet, I can absolutely see where my husband and oldest daughter are coming from, wanting to give her another chance and enable her to define and pursue her own recovery here. We have much talking and thinking and praying to do before we finalize the decision, but it seems to be leaning towards letting her come here, if that is what she continues to want.

One huge item is that she is medicated now. Her bipolar illness is truly stabilized and continuing treatment through Mental Health is going to be a part of her parole requirements. That is something I'm mindful of. The pondering and praying will continue! And any suggestions or input that you guys have to add to the mix will be gratefully accepted!

:)

I heard her voice....

2010-08-20T15:20:00.000-07:00

Sorry I’ve been scarce! I’ve not had a whole lot of anything meaningful to say, and I’ve just been reading blogs and commenting a little… I’ve been busy, which is a good thing! I’m having a lot of dog sits these days, and that gets my derriere out of the chair and away from my medical transcription business, and out the door to another house where the clients’ dogs and I get good walks and fresh air. School starting next week will definitely bring the dog sits to a pause, and that’s not a bad thing! We’re kinda pooped!

I heard her voice a few days ago, for the first time in about four months. I’ve never gone longer than a week without at least getting a phone call from her. She’s always been very thoughtful, even when loaded, about making sure I know she is alive. The phone rang this time and I got the familiar recording about “This call is from an inmate in blah-blah-blah” and I was crying before she ever stated her name. I got myself under control, only to listen as she dissolved into tears and just kept repeating, “I love you mommy, oh my god I love you so much!” After a few minutes, she brought me up to date on everything. She’s been endorsed to Chowchilla for the remainder of her time. I was hoping that she would get transferred closer to home (Le Boyfriend just got transferred to Norco which is only a half hour from me!). No such luck, she’s staying in Chowchilla. Because it took so long to “classify” her, and get her seen by a counselor (almost four months!) she is too close to the end of her time to take any classes. She may not even be able to get a job, but she’s trying. Anything beats playing hangman with a bar of soap on a window, she says.

I wish she could have gotten classes. She will have been there long enough that she could have finished two classes, easily, and that would have given her enough credits that she would have her two year degree from the community college she was in. That community college works with the prisons and the credits apply, etc. That would have been helpful in the job search but I guess it was not meant to be. She’s had no drug counseling or education. She’s only able to have a “meeting” for NA or AA when she has enough people in her room that want to do it. Every now and then, they get to have one out in the main yard. In the 105 degree heat.

I know she did this to herself. What I don’t understand is why, since there are classes there that are not full, why the system isn’t a little more effective in an effort to send them out more prepared for real life than they came in. She already knew how to sit around and do nothing. If there is space in the classes, and the teacher is being paid anyway, seems silly that she couldn’t get into the math class, etc. And it just seems like drug prevention/education and tools for staying sober would be classes/money well spent.

She’s doing pretty well on her medications. She is working out daily, before the heat gets too bad. She runs several miles and does a workout that is designed for the fire-camp women, but open to anyone who wants to participate. If I understood her correctly, it’s a strenuous workout designed to keep the firefighters in top condition.

We are still uncertain as to what we should do about when she is released. She wants to come home. My husband still wants her to come here. In his wildest dreams, he’d like her to just sit here and get a year under her belt, going to class on line, and working out and hanging around the house. (That scream in the distance that you heard was mine – I don’t think that’s a productive way to enable her recovery!)

My oldest daughter is neither in favor or opposed, and says she’ll deal with whatever we decide and that she’s 100% looking forward to taking her sister to some concerts and dinners out with friends, etc. She writes her every week. I write several times a week, postcards mostly with little bits of news, and about once a week a longer letter. My husband has not written. Even once. He did purchase some paper and stamps and get the requisite packaging to send them to her. And he has helped with getting her first quarterly package paid for. We split that down the middle, and got her a few things she was hungry for, and a few things like vitamins, and two running teeshirts and a pair of real running shoes (only $14.95 on the prison-approved site!). Her birthday coincides with the arrival of this quarterly package, so it made me happy to be able to get her a few candy bars, and some cheap shampoo, and lots of coffee, coffee, coffee! I’m glad he has done what he felt comfortable doing, and I made sure she knew her Dad was involved in the quarterly package.

The dilemma about having her come home is just lurking like the proverbial elephant in the living room. My husband’s big thing is that his one stipulation is she can’t smoke on our property, or even our street. Whatever. Not a field I’m going to die on.

I feel that we’re not the best option. There are no meetings nearby; she has no car, and we can’t take as much time as would be necessary to run successfully her around to job interviews or take her to meetings and work. (Letting people pick her up for that sort of thing runs the risk that if she relapses, then it’s not the “good” friends that are picking her up, and I don’t like the “bad” friends knowing where she lives, if it’s with us!)

Seems like a sober home located on a bus line and close to parole would be more appropriate, because she could easily get where she needed to be on her own. Then we could pick her up for family dinners, shopping, church (she has asked me to attend services with her), etc. We’d be seeing her in a more appropriate fashion for an adult child, that way.

Does anyone have any input, opinions, suggestions?

I’m not going to stress over it yet. She’s not getting out until December. She will likely have warrants here that will surface when she is released, so she may come back to the O.C. jails to handle those. And that is despite the fact that not once, but twice, she and LeBoyfriend have filled out appropriate paperwork requesting immediate trial/sentencing for violating probation, so that the times are served concurrently which is supposed to enable them to leave prison with all the outstanding cases resolved and a relatively clean slate upon release.

Her probation officer called me the other day to state that she had sent the paperwork on to the appropriate courthouse, six weeks ago (for the second time) and as yet, still not heard anything.

The same system that didn’t get her classified in time to take classes, is probably not going to manage to get the case here (a warrant for failure to show up for a probation appointment) settled before she is released. Instead, the system will go to the expense of transporting her down here on a prison bus, processing her into O.C., running her through the court system here, and then deciding that she’s already done time up there, and stamping her paperwork as “done”. Makes sense, doesn’t it? To spend all that money transporting her around and feeding/processing her when a signed piece of paper from the courthouse faxed to the prison, would eliminate the need for it. Sigh.

I personally don’t care, I simply point it out as kinda stupid.

I am happy to report that she is sounding really good in her letters. Her writing is precise and neat (a great indicator of sobriety and a medicated mind, for her!) and her thoughts and statements seem well-ordered and thought out. She has reconnected with “the God of her understanding” and this seems to give her a lot of peace. She has been including lots of verses in her letters. She is in a very “Christian” room now, and all her bunkies are into Bible studies and she enjoys them a lot. I am really deeply happy for her that she seems to have found her faith again. I am not going to have expectations, or assume that all her problems are over. I’m just grateful. She says she’s looking forward to “family, church and meetings” when she gets out. :)

She is supposed to get to call us again soon. :)

I’m celebrating some good news with my oldest daughter this weekend. She was made salaried and given benefits at her law firm. She is a law clerk right now, but finishes her paralegal studies this semester and then they plan to make her a paralegal. :) She’s beside herself with glee and she and I are going to her favorite Indian restaurant for a lunch buffet Saturday. Yumm!

I’m wishing us all a serene weekend!! I have so many Glads today! I’m so grateful!

Pulling up another chair....

2010-07-30T10:17:00.000-07:00

Our circle continues to grow... And we all know how much our little community can do to help each of us keep a grip on our sanity, our serenity, etc! Take a sec to visit her soon!!

Happy Friday!

Checking in...

2010-07-29T07:48:00.000-07:00

'Son' arrived and is settled in with his family. The grill/smoker made it, all the way across the country, strapped to his bright blue 'burban, no more flats, no issues, just smooth travels. He immediately set up the grill and smoked ribs for his parents... He has a big interview today with some bigwigs in a company he has applied to... they will be lucky to have him!

All is well here. I’m reading blogs, commenting on some, and working on me. I’ve gotten much accomplished on the crisis center quilts – by the end of August I should have four more quilted on the big frame and ready to send up to my Dad to distribute at one of the centers.

My daughter, Le Boyfriend, and myself are perfecting the long lost art of letter writing. She says in her letters that she is remaining clean while in prison, though she is surrounded by those who are not. I’m choosing to hope that is true. It’s been well over a hundred degrees where she is, almost daily. She walks in the early mornings on a track; later when she reaches the final room assignment that she will have, she will get to run on the track. Apparently that’s a privilege? She’s looking forward to the exercise. She’s lost 15 pounds, and is on new psych medications. Her letters have gone from almost illegible, to fairly neat writing. That’s when I know her medications are working!

She wants to come home for a while after prison. Not a good idea in my mind. My husband says she can, but only if she agrees not to resume her smoking habit. Rather than get involved in the chaos and stress that will ultimately result from his ultimatum, I’ve decided that as long as he makes that a stipulation, that I can’t agree to her coming home. I will not live with the constant questions, accusations when she comes home from an NA meeting smelling like smoke, etc. It obviously is something between him and her, but I will not live in the war zone. Either we welcome her home with the previous rule that all smoking takes place outside under the “smoking tree” (as the kids named it), or we will simply have to love her unconditionally and support her as much as we can, from a distance.

I simply cannot believe that he wants to make remaining a nonsmoker a caveat for living with us. But since I really don’t think it’s appropriate that she live with us, anyway, it’s moot.

What did I want to do? I wanted to offer her a few days, maximum one week, that she could come home, decompress, get through to parole and get information about where she should live (supposedly parole will assist), and also get set up with mental health and get her medications, get to a few felony-friendly job interviews, and take in a few meetings. That’s all I wanted to do for her, other than just enjoy her presence and her smile, and hug on her frequently! She wants to do all those things, even the mental health part. She says her medications are giving her clarity and she understands her actions more. That’s pretty huge.

He says she can’t even come here for a couple of days, unless she is not smoking. I’m sure she will promise that, but it won’t last, so I’m going to have to make it abundantly clear to both her and LeBoyfriend, that due to his stipulation, she can only be here for a week even IF she is willing to accept his “rule”. I doubt she’ll make aboard the bus to come home without lighting up, but whatever.

Still, right now, I’m in a holding pattern. I’m taking care of me, avoiding conflict, getting my work done, getting sewing done on the quilts for the women’s crisis centers, and planning a trip to my parents in September. I’ll have to work while I’m there, but only half days. The afternoons will be filled with chickens, horses, wide open spaces, crafts with Dad, time to listen to and absorb my folks, soaking up memories with them. I can’t wait!

:)

Progress.....

2010-07-14T12:19:00.000-07:00

('Son' has made it more than halfway to his new home! Yay! )

Reminding myself to look at the good side....

2010-07-13T17:48:00.000-07:00

Sorry to have been so scarce. I’ve been reading on blogs, commenting on some, but haven’t had much to say. I have been a bit sad these last two weeks. My “son” (I told his story here) and his girlfriend, who coincidentally is my oldest daughter’s best friend, broke up. As much as I rejoiced in my “world getting smaller” when they hooked up and for the time they lived together….

boy, when they broke up, it pretty much left us ALL heartbroken.

It wasn’t messy. It wasn’t mean. He doesn’t love her any more. She thought he was “the one.” He hung on and tried maybe longer than he should. She’s accepted it. They are still “friends”. He was left in the position of having no one here except us, his California family, and since he is unemployed, he saw a chance to change his life for the better: He’s moving to be with his real family, in Alabama, where his dad is pastoring a church. Most of his family lives there now. He’s going “home”, even if it’s a new home for him!

He has four job opportunities lined up already. He will pay one-fourth the rent cost for twice the square footage he and the girlfriend and her small son were living in here. How can this not be a win-win for him!?

My head knows this is a smart move for him. My heart ain’t so happy.

We said goodbye yesterday, and he’s updating on Facebook as he drives cross country…. His grill is strapped to the top of his Suburban! We call him the Grillmeister, or Master of the Grill – he can do amazing things with charcoal and his grill! There’s a python buried in that car somewhere, in a huge tank.

And a good chunk of our hearts is probably in there too. I’m convinced part of mine has been torn out.

The hurt part of me is still thinking, “Damn, you broke up with the girlfriend, I get that. Why are you breaking up with the rest of us?”

The sensible mom part of me is thinking, “What a golden opportunity, and he’ll be with his real family, his aging parents (he’s 30, the youngest of five and there’s a span of about 15 years between him and the oldest sib!), and so, good for him!”

The codependent part of me is thinking “how do I tell my youngest, our addict currently in prison, that her ‘brother’ is gone?”

She was the one who came to us years ago and said, “he’s getting out, his folks have taken a new church in ‘Bama, and he needs a home….”

She was the one that took her tips and bought the bunk bed they used to coexist in her tiny bedroom.

She was the one that dragged him to meetings and took him to parole appointments and she was the one who gave me the best son I never had.

He's an amazing guy. He has more than five years clean!! His success gives me huge amounts of hope. My daughter has mentioned since she relapsed, that she looks at him as a role model, because he walked away from the drugs, away from the lifestyle, and he's succeeded. She so admires that.

This was a hard decision for him to reach, but I have no doubt it was not made lightly. He's grown so much in the last five years. I love him so much! We all do! My husband and I both cried at the curb, saying goodbye. :(

My oldest has already written the youngest a letter giving her the news. She’s heartbroken too. He roomed with her for a full year just like he did with my youngest. They’ve been so close, so much a sibling group, the three of them. More like siblings than many actual siblings I know.

My oldest is left, in her words, “to clean up the wreckage.” She is heartbroken, but every time she goes to hang out with the girlfriend and her little boy, she walks into "their" place and he’s not there. She can’t really grieve it in front of her friend, cos the friend has been devastated and is grieving too.

And the girlfriend’s little boy, who is my oldest’s godson, is completely confused.

Life just is sad sometimes.

My ‘son’ made it to Flagstaff before he blew a tire (retread). He’s fine, car’s fine. Four new tires later, he’s now passed Albuquerque. He’s going to be “home” in another two days. His mom and dad are so expectant and happy, and that is a huge thing for me to remember. They’ve waited a long time for this. He told me he wasn’t much of a son for a lot of years. He’s grateful for the opportunity to make it up to them!

He’s a good man, and I miss him. A lot!

When moms get involved?

2010-06-28T10:33:00.000-07:00

Edited to add: Just calling attention to the fact that I received a comment from Partnership for a Drug Free America in the comment section, that you guys might wish to read. Thanks!

I was catching up on blogs this morning when I came across Anna's post concerning a recent ad she saw in an issue of Everyday Easy Recipies from Better Homes and Gardens. This ad made the statement "When moms get involved kids don't." (implying parental involvement will prevent kids becoming drug users/addicts). This ad was apparently placed by The Partnership for a Drug Free America.

After I took a number of deeeep, cleansing breaths (yeah, that earthquake you felt was me hyperventilating and falling out of my chair!), I remembered a post I had written about three months ago, I think, for a guest posting on another blog. This other blogger asked me to write something for her to post in a specific portion of her blog and I wrote the piece you will find below. For whatever reason, this was never posted on the intended site (just verified, it is not there), so I am going to post it here.

We never know when a heartbroken parent is going to be googling and searching, a "newbie" so to speak, on this particular road we trudge as parents of addicts. Perhaps someone will come across these thoughts, and find them helpful.

And I hope and pray that The Partnership for a Drug Free America gets a better idea for their next campaign.

My Thoughts on Being the Parent of an Addict

I get sick to my stomach every time I drive by a grade school with the red cups stuck in the chain link fence or the ribbons tied to it, spelling out giant letters "say no to drugs". My personal opinion: What a pathetic waste of our tax dollars to take kids out there for several hours to put those up. My daughter participated in that stuff every year (except the two years we home-schooled, which she requested). And it may have only fueled her curiosity.

I think a more in-your-face approach in junior high school with exposure to the abused and scarred bodies of dead addicts and mandatory attendance at a dozen AA/NA meetings, and perhaps a stay in the hallway of a jail corridor, watching an addict “kick it” for about 36 hours would have more impact.

My daughter was told early on, and often, about her genetic predisposition to alcoholism, and the risks and effects of alcohol/drugs. She endured a close family member’s occasional drunken behavior.

But, it is just so basic, really. You tell a child not to touch the oven door because they will burn their hand. They don't believe you until they do it.

You tell them that if they pick up the snake (drugs) they may get bitten (addicted). But the same immortality complex that makes them think they can take other chances enters into the picture. They don't think THEY will get hooked. They don't think THEY will end up in the jail cell. And once they make that single bad choice to raise a little hell, experiment, etc, it is over for some of them. My daughter said the first time she tried heroin, she said to her friend, "I'm in trouble." She knew in that instant that she would crave/pursue that feeling for the rest of her life.

My beautiful, spunky, spirited, compassionate, smart, hard-working, butterfly girl….. is a bipolar alcoholic/addict. Her drug of choice is heroin.

Do not think that because you homeschool, work your butt off for private Christian school, are room mom, team mom, snack mom, brownie troop mom, girl scout cookie mom, church youth group mom, the mom who works at home and can hand out cookies and juice to the entire neighborhood at 3:20pm, the mom who drives for any and all activities, the mom who never let her kids sleep over without confirming with the other moms just what was going on and who was going to be on site, the mom who had skating parties, pool parties, teeshirt-painting parties, monthly sleep-overs, the mom who considered raising her children to be her God-given privilege and responsibility…..

Don’t think that those things will make any difference at all. By her own admission, my daughter has never been abused in any fashion, was privileged, was given every possible opportunity in life.

And she picked up the snake(s) as an experimenting, risk-taking teenager. By 18, she was an addict.

This disease of addiction is a non-discriminating killer.

We’ve been at this for ten years now. And now she is in prison 250 miles from here.

And if you’ve read this far, let me say that if for no other reason than your sanity, if you face this issue in your family, go to Alanon or Naranon. I know Alanon is supposed to be for family/friends of alcoholics. However, Alanon meetings are far more prevalent in my area than Naranon meetings. And most of the alcoholics that are represented by the attendees at my two favorite meetings are also drug addicts. Indeed, at any Narcotics Anonymous meeting, when they read their literature at the beginning of the meeting, a very pronounced distinction is made that they consider alcohol to be a drug.

So get to whatever meeting you can, and soak up the ESH (experience, strength and hope) of those other members. And keep going back! “It works, if you work it.”

You will learn important concepts like setting healthy boundaries for yourself. An example: It’s not that she can no longer live with us. It’s that we will no longer live with drugs in any fashion, and we will not live with the risk that she will again relapse and steal from us. This puts the focus on US. Not our addict.

You will learn the difference between enabling addiction and assisting with recovery. For everyone, this is just a little bit different. You will learn how to determine what is right for you.

And if at some point (I’m talking after several months!) you decide that Alanon or Naranon is not for you, or you do not wish to participate in a 12-step program of your own, you will have acquired a better foundation of education for dealing with this, in whatever fashion you deem appropriate for you.

For example, along the way you will pick up sayings like the three C’s:

“I didn’t cause it, I can’t control it and I can’t cure it.”

And, “don’t stuff your feelings”, “expectations are premature resentments”, “put the focus back on myself”, etc.

You will hear many of these slogans, and something will click on another day, in another place, when you are in the midst of a situation with your addict and you recognize exactly what a particular slogan referred to… because it’s right in your face at that time. Recognition enables you to choose to step back and appropriately take care of yourself, in a healthy manner.

You’ll take a great deal of comfort in being with others who know your pain up close and personal, themselves. It will help, seeing those who are further along in their journey, living lives of relative serenity and contentment, and you will realize there is HOPE, both for your addict, and also for you.
I’ll close with two little sayings I have found especially helpful. The first, I read on the blog of An Addict In Our Son’s Bedroom (http://parentsofanaddict.blogspot.com/):

“I must learn to live in the world of what is, and not in the world of what ought to be.”

And I don’t recall where I happened across this next one, but oh how true:

"There is more to us than we know. If we can be made to see it, perhaps for the rest of our lives we will be unwilling to settle for less." Kurt Hahn

Never give up Hope!

By Her Big Sad

Another one for Barbara!

2010-06-27T20:46:00.000-07:00

Recently I read Barbara's post about her new little sweetheart, Sugar, being a Chiweenie. I had never heard of Chiweenies and I googled to learn more about them.

We've always figured our little Tuff Boy was a mix of chihuahua and dachshund. I had no idea there was a bunch of them and that they were actually deliberately being bred.

(Tuff Boy and Kimi)

I looked at several sites with pictures that were dead ringers for our Tuff Boy (a.k.a. Jerry)!! Even the coloring and the stance is identical.

And so is the jumping!

Here's Tuff Boy and his "wife" Kimi, trying to convince me that they are all done chasing each other around and are ready to come in. (They are inseparable. When one is taken on a walk, the other cries until they're together again!)

Disclaimer: Yes, Kimi needs to go on a diet. Yes, my windows need to be cleaned. Yes, I was trying not to laugh at points in this (which resulted in very rough filming). Yes, my backyard is a disaster.... but it's the puppy's playground. So be it! :) And yes, this is my first time trying to post a video in Blogger, so we'll see if it works.

Anyway, I've been busy trying to frantically make some decisions on kitchen appliances and YAY! After several years of opening my microwave with a self-made duct tape handle, we're fixing the place up a bit. It's time! We've really managed to kill this kitchen in 17 years! Plus, I'm looking forward to replacing the 4 inch white tile countertops with a smooth, more sanitary surface. There isn't a grout cleaner out there that really does the job. You can imagine how I know this.

Sorry to be posting so irregularly. I had a thought as I cleaned up my kitchen tonight - reminded me of making a pie, and that reminded me of a particular therapy session where I learned something important. More about that later this week!

Love, prayers and hugs!

I’m working on staying OUT of the referee seat!

2010-06-16T14:53:00.000-07:00

Several of us recently have commented on our blogs about how we feel like we are constantly being the peacemakers in our families, or being pulled by differing factions and persons. I identify with this feeling. A lot!

There was a technique we participated in during family therapy nights, years ago. I can’t recall the name of the technique, and for lack of a better term, I will call it family mapping.

When we did family mapping, that is how my daughters "mapped" us.

My youngest daughter (our addict) “mapped” the family first. As a family, we stood in the center of the circle of folks seated at the therapy session. She had my oldest daughter and my husband hold onto my right hand and arm, and tug gently. She then grabbed my left hand and turned from us, and tugged as she "walked" away from us. That was how she condensed our family dynamics into one quick snapshot!

Next it was my oldest daughter’s turn to “map” us. She pictured us a little differently, but in strikingly similar ways. She placed my husband and I facing each other, him with his arms straight down by his side. She stepped between us and then she had me reach my left arm around her to reach him, in a half embrace. With her between us, then she had me turn towards our “open” side and she and I (only) extended our arms on that side, towards my other daughter, the addict, who she had placed several feet away. She had the addict sitting down facing away from us, burying her face in her hands.

Seeing it like that was life-changing for me.

Both daughters could see it more clearly than I could!!

I am pulled at all sides. I am trying to hold this family together while she is sick/addicted and while the other family members distance themselves from her, reach for her, fight amongst themselves, etc.

I am the buffer, the peacekeeper, if I don't force myself to step out of that role. The therapist told me to drop all their hands and step out of the circle. To take care of me. And to let them find their way back to each other. Or not. It isn't my job to shield them from each other or to pull the family together.

This is the direct opposite of what my mother-in-law had been telling me for years. For years before she died, she had told me I was the center of the wheel. The family revolved around me. If I didn’t “keep it together”, the wheel would collapse. That was my purpose in life, to keep the wheel turning smoothly.

I will state emphatically that I loved my mother-in-law. She was such a sweetheart, a treasure to all her knew her. There was not a birthday, or celebration of any sort that came around that she did not remember with a card or a small gift. She was all about Christmas, and to this day, I think that is a lot of what is behind my husband’s drive to make many cookies and deliver them to clients/coworkers each year. It brings his mom’s memory closer to him.

She held her family together as best she could. She covered for her husband when his alcoholic behavior surfaced. She worried about the two sons, wondering if they would remain close. As they drifted apart for many different reasons, she tried to pull everyone back together. When my father-in-law was dying, I was told by someone that she grabbed both adult sons (in their 40s) by the hands and took them in the ICU together to see their dad and announced something to the effect of “look who’s here, and together!”

She stood with tears streaming down her face one night twenty-some years ago, when I had to leave the house with my oldest little girl because Grandpa had a few too many and wasn’t just a little drunk - he was getting mean. He was grilling my daughter on counting in Spanish and he slammed his fist down and frightened her, and I told him we needed to run out to the store and we’d be back. We left and didn’t return until my husband, his mom and our youngest returned from their errands. She was mortified, embarrassed, and stood crying silently in the kitchen as he fell into the Christmas tree in the den. He caught himself just in time and continued “decorating” it for us and then went off to bed. I had to redo the tree with her after everyone else went to bed.

I never understood why she let him act towards her the way he did sometimes. For the most part, he was a truly wonderful man. But when he had been drinking, he was not a happy drunk. I did understand why she continued to work well into her seventies! She enjoyed being out of the house and she loved interacting with her customers at the dress shop, and having a bit of spending money that she earned herself.

I learned many wonderful things from her. But I think that I learned one thing that wasn’t true.

I’m NOT the center of this family. It’s NOT up to me to keep them civil, close, loving, or communicative. When my husband is cranky and morose (his personal emotions he identified himself with, in family therapy), and he takes it out on me, or especially my oldest daughter, as he has done more frequently lately, it’s NOT up to me to soothe her, or attempt to point out to him that his behavior sucks.

All I really AM responsible for is making sure I’m not incarcerated for bonking him over the head with the frying pan. To make sure that doesn’t happen, my proactive behavior now, is going to have to be to politely and respectfully leave the conversation and let him sputter to a halt all by himself.

He is a master of walking away from a conversation when he decides it needs to be over. I think that is rude. But I guess I will take a lesson from him. I’ll start holding up my hand and announcing I have to run to the bathroom, or let out a dog, or the ultimate “I’m just not going to deal with you any more on this.” Only I’ll say that last one a bit less hurtfully.

I’m in this (marriage) for the long haul. But I’m so tired of trying to smooth things over when he says things that are hurtful or unnecessary to myself, or either daughter. And it’s really NOT my job. Like his father, most of the time, he is a wonderful man. And he never drinks a drop of anything (partly, I’m sure, because of the memories he has of verbal and occasionally physical abuse by his inebriated dad). But he still has behaviors that remind me of his father while under the influence. That confuses me a bit.

I guess if he alienates the girls, or if an argument between he and my oldest escalates (without my interfering to prevent it) to the flying “f**k you” levels, they will have to deal with it, and any damage to the doors! And they will have to find their way back to each other, or not. His loss if they don’t, not mine. All I need to be responsible for is my relationship with him, and my relationship with my daughters. I can maintain my relationships in a healthy manner! When he gets cranky and morose with me, I can simply politely excuse myself and offer to talk more later when he is feeling more like a gentleman.

As the years pass, I have no doubt that I’m getting more cranky and morose too. So, I’ll work on me. ME! That's my business!

And I’ll work on making sure that those I am in relationship with, do not get my permission to treat me disrespectfully or in a mean fashion. Kids, husband, coworkers, friends, etc!!

I asked our family therapist one time years ago, why my addict treated me in a certain fashion. Her answer? “Because you gave her permission to do so.” (Her meaning: I let it go, uncontested, the first time it happened!)

By not holding OURSELVES in high regard, and ALWAYS insisting on fair and polite and respectful interactions, we give permission to others to commence and to continue to treat us in an inappropriate manner. I’m going to work on insisting on fairness and respectful interactions.

Easier said than done. Progress, not perfection!

For Barbara, Ten Random Things...

2010-06-04T11:58:00.000-07:00

Ten random thoughts:

1. I survived another hike in the hills around my house. Go me. I mapped out a two mile route through the neighborhood and this is the second time I’ve done it at 6 AM. Through early morning mist, past about 500 houses with varying landscaping ideas presented to me as I huff and puff, and oddly, a few coyotes, a school bus, and a fire truck… I made it! The first time I did it, I swear, it was uphill all the way around. Had to have been. My legs were screaming! Today, I had the presence of mind to notice there were a few downhill portions and the “all uphill” thing was just a hallucination.

2. Coyotes are magnificent, sleek, scary, and cute. All at once.

3. I need to finish the billing for my clients today – another month has passed and if I don’t bill, they don’t pay, and we don’t eat. Funny how that all works.

4. If I focus on my typing and my billing, I have a good shot at being upstairs in my sewing room by 4 – and that means a possible five hours of sewing before I keel over at 9 PM like the old lady I am!

5. I have plans….. too many plans. Plans for quilts, plans for valences sewn for my windows, plans for patches of flower gardens planted outside my office window, plans for fairy houses amongst those flowers… plans for another area of planting outside my dining room window – to cover the fence that’s a mere six or eight feet away… and a fairy door on that fence, peeking out from the jasmine that I plan to cover the fence with…. Plans, plans, plans!

6. I need to bake some bread today.

7. I am trying to perfect my own veggie burger recipe too.

8. Despite #7, a steak sounds good right now. So does barbecued chicken. Chicken wins. Will thaw some for dinner!

9. I love my blogging community!

10. The weekend looms!! Yay! I have a dog sit to bring in some extra $$$ and perhaps some time for #5!!

Happy weekend all!!

On a late night ramble with my dog….a Friday 55!!

2010-05-28T14:53:00.000-07:00

Ranjit’s house, brightly lit, with Indian music spilling out the open doors.

Partiers in exquisite traditional outfits dance on the lawn.

He sees me wave as I pass by, comes over and laughingly takes my hand. Briefly, we dance, him graceful, me awkward, as his wife pats my dog and claps her hands with delight.

I've been checking blogs and commenting, praying a lot, but not posting anything here.... I've not had anything much to say. We're all doing fairly well here, and I finally got a letter from my daughter that stated our mail is now getting through to her. She got a pile all at once and it made her cry. I communicated with the prison medical department regarding her disposable contacts she is keeping in her eyes 24/7, and they have officially sent me instructions for getting Rx glasses to her. I am very grateful for that. I want her to be able to see when she is crossing the yard from the mail area to her cell; it's easy to get jumped for what you might be carrying and vision is important. (Plus she did irreparable damage to her eyes during one of the more recent incarcerations by keeping the same pair of disposable contacts in for four months. This is one of those times when I know I'm doing something for her that is really for me. I would hate to think she went blind just because I was worried about my boundaries, and in one eye, she is now nearly legally blind.)

I took a walk last night with our pit bull. She is getting older and is content to amble and very people-friendly. I could hear Ranjit's party up the hill, and I love to hear the music and see the beautiful party dresses.... So I took a moonlight stroll with our old dog, and the aboved described moment was the result. Ranjit is a really sweet man and his wife is even sweeter. They're always talking to us when we pass by on a walk, always asking after our girls, patting our dogs, etc. They were celebrating their beautiful daughter’s academic achievement. I was happy to share in their joy. In fact, I still feel like dancing!

I'm busily clearing my desk for a rare light work weekend. My doctors seem to have taken off early for Memorial Day. Very few are dictating, and if I stay focused, I just might have several hours each day to spend in my happy place (my sewing room!) Have a wonderful weekend everyone!

How I explain that missing family member....

2010-05-16T11:20:00.000-07:00

Madyson007 posted about the difficulties we all encounter when we have to go to some sort of family or work "event" and we get asked how our addict is....

Family members might or might not know about the addiction (depending on just how close they are to you), and may or may not be privy to all the gory details. Work picnics/awards events might include folks who've been used to seeing your family include one more person in past years....

For instances like these, where I'm not THAT close to the person asking the question, I've gotten better at choking out "oh, she's FINE!! just BUSY!! (give a big grin) You know how hard it is to get everyone's work schedules coordinated.... You must be so proud of (insert celebrated family member's name)... Didn't he/she look GREAT up there taking that diploma/award/etc????"

Within one paragraph, I endeavor to turn the attention back to the other person. Because sometimes, I just don't want to go into details, or run the risk of ruining my mascara.

It gets easier to pull off, with time, I promise! I've even told a couple of busybodies at church that I don't get along with "oh she's fine! She's living and working out of the area right now! How is your (insert another successful family member's name here) doing? How are your roses? Have you planted your vegetables yet?" WHATEVER.

(and yes, she is working at the prison in Chowchilla to reduce her time - not a complete lie! No lightning will strike!)

Just turn the tables and questions back to them. Most people are so glad that you are interested in THEM that they don't realize you may have skillfully deflected the conversation away from a sore point.

I go to any event now, even a quilting bee, prepared to be on stage. Paste on a smile. ACT AS IF!! Pretty soon, I am having the fun time I wanted to have!!

My quilting group is actually a "safe place" for me, as my dear friends know my situation and I know about a lot of their dirty laundry too.... but, sometimes there are a few guests, so I always ACT AS IF. If it's "just us chickens", I can be a little more forthcoming and share my heart's concerns or pain which is helpful to my soul, but if not, I still have a GRAND TIME!

Hope this helps! Seriously, try rehearsing before you go...stand in front of the mirror and casually toss off the question and come up with a question for the other person to answer and PRACTICE until it feels more natural!

(it's okay, I know I'm weird, but this is what gets me through situations where I just don't want to give out a lot of details or talk about yet another relapse, so if it's helpful - cool..... Take what you like and leave the rest!) Have a great day everyone!

I got an award! :)

2010-05-14T11:16:00.000-07:00

I’ve been visiting blogs but not posting on my own…. I’ve had nothing earth-shattering to say… :)

My daughter did surface at Chowchilla and got a letter out. That made me smile. She has apparently hooked up with the other O.C. girls there and is making the best of her situation. They’re sharing shampoo and stuff until she gets access to the money she had put on her books in jail which should follow her up…. At that point she can shop commissary and pay her friends back or barter with other things, etc.

She has been told she may be able to finish her basic two-year college degree there, since she only lacks 6 credits. She’s trying to get more information about that. I REALLY hope that happens. She has difficulty with math and that is one of the subjects remaining – so maybe she can tackle that and get it out of the way!

DH has softened a bit. He went out and took the list the prison provided of allowable stuff, and bought her two pads of lined paper, some plain white envelopes, simple plain greeting cards/white envelopes, and 40 stamps… He even found one of those “can’t be torn” envelopes and it’s all ready to go (padded envelopes are off limits.) We’re not sending much else.

We’re debating the glasses situation. She is currently wearing disposable contacts (not legal there) and not taking them out. BAD. She’s done damage to her vision in the past by doing that. She’s close to legally blind in one eye anyway, and very, very near-sighted.

California in its wisdom insists that she have an examination there, and then we have to put money on books for her to pay for glasses to be shipped in, or perhaps she can ship their prescription out to us and we can have glasses sent in. The fact that she has a legal prescription right now, in my house, is irrelevant to them. I don’t understand that, especially since some people I know wore their wire-rims in, and others have had family mail in a pair. Consistently inconsistent, just because they can! That seems to be the motto of the prison. I will tackle that issue next week, by calling the prison myself to get a straight story.

One high note: Her letter stated she is required to see Mental Health. AND, continuing to see mental health will be a condition of her parole. So for at least a year after she gets out – she has to accept and cooperate with medication/mental health treatment. Or she is violated. Yay! This was rumored before she went up, but she said in her letter that for sure, this is fact.

It has taken innumerable incarcerations and one prison stay to get my state to recognize that she can’t be trusted to make good choices regarding her mental health care. FINALLY. I can’t tell you how happy that made me. It gives her a fighting chance for at least a year after release. Release date is still up in the air, but she should be given an official date soon.

In the meantime, I’m continuing to TAKE CARE OF ME. I have made myself face the fact that wallowing in depression and eating inappropriately are no longer an option (that’s what I do after detaching…. I let go, let God, and head to the pantry!).

My life is whizzing by, and obviously, all our days are numbered. I had better get myself in shape and treasure my health, by taking care of myself, or I’ll have even fewer days! Plus, as my transcription business is continuing to slow down, I am looking forward to getting additional part time work, next year, outside the house at night or on weekends! I need to be able to look competent and fit, next to those spring chickens I’ll be competing with!

So, I’m trying to stay on my eating plan and I’m plodding around the reservoir, sometimes twice daily.

Ahem.

Sometimes not at all. But the goal is once and hopefully twice daily! My efforts are paying off, as my blood sugar is normalizing and my scales have begun moving in the right direction! Actually, the left direction…. But you get my drift!

Progress, not perfection!

Sherry from Awakening through Love (http://blinded-by-love-for-j.blogspot.com/) gave me an award!

And here are my answers:

1. What would your perfect day consist of?

Good coffee, a walk on the beach, lunch with my daughters, an afternoon quilting with my friends, a dinner with the whole family, and either games around the kitchen table, or talking with everyone on the back patio by candlelight.

2. How would you describe yourself if you were an item of clothing?

A favorite teeshirt, somewhat worn around the edges, but comfortable!

3. What hobbies are you currently working on?

Quilting (always!), sewing for the house (valances, small appliance covers, dog beds, etc), and after I got to the cash register and found out the Mother’s Day card I had thought was so cute and simple cost a whopping $5.99, I have begun making my greeting cards again with my scrap-booking supplies.

4. Walking in the woods in wellies or bare foot on the beach?

Barefoot on the beach, just inside the edge of the water!

5. Have you ever hugged or sung to a tree?

I have hugged and kissed a tree! It had gotten too big, was tearing up our sidewalk, had completely killed the lawn with roots running along the surface, and the only way to fix the situation and have a bit of grass was to remove it…. Since it shaded my living room, I was rather fond of it, even if it was the gangliest, ugliest tree around…. I have a picture of me kissing it right before they started whacking it down. Cos I’m weird!! :)

6. Growing your own veggies or nipping to the supermarket?

Growing my own!!

7. Have you found anyone exciting in your family tree?

Cyrus McCormick! Come on, now, you remember your U.S. History don’t you? Here’s a link to Great-great-great-great-etc-etc-granddaddy Cyrus… http://web.mit.edu/invent/iow/mccormick.html.
He invented the mechanical reaper which allowed farmers to at least double the amount of crops they could handle…. I know, too cool! (yes, I’m kidding!)

8. Slap up meal in a posh restaurant or fish 'n' chips from the wrapper?

Neither – I prefer making dinner at home with my extended family and keeping the ingredients simple, fresh and sending them all home with leftovers for the next day.

9. Which element do you most resonate with, Earth, Air, Fire or water?

I guess earth, since I like gardening.

10. Do you believe in fairies?

Fairies are becoming an interest of mine. My daughter always loved them, but what got me started was little Gnome doors. I was looking at some of those in a magazine and saw fairy houses. They are horribly expensive, so I plan to make my own, but I think it would be really cute to have little houses mixed in with the flowers in the borders, just for fairies…. I found some fairy doors too that I would love to put in interesting places and I’ve found solar things that light up little fairy statues….

Be warned! Stay away from Plow and Hearth’s web site, seriously! (http://www.plowhearth.com/product.asp?pcode=10982)

They are responsible for my new fairy interest and it’s dangerous!

Thanks Sherry!

I’m thinking by now that a lot of you have also been tagged with this award, so I will just put this up for grabs and say, please do this if you haven’t already, and post on your blog! I’d love to read your answers!

Crazy Days

2010-05-03T18:57:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I was loving my fuzzy socks and sweatpants… today, I’m thankful this is just a brief warm spell and my favorite SoCal weather (75 or less!) is coming back for a bit longer! I won't pack away the fuzzy socks just yet!

The above pix were found on the internet.... my state, She knows how to do The Pretty Springtime!

Yesterday, I was ignorantly thinking that my daughter was lingering nearby enjoying the hospitality of the Riverside county jail. You see, due to my ~~old age~~, **cough**
~~advanced state of decomposition~~ inability to correctly decipher the somewhat confusing web site for the jail, I misinterpreted “currently housed at” to mean just that…. It said she was at Riverside. Only right under that, it said “release date 04-27-10”. Which made no sense at all to me.

Until her property box was delivered by UPS. I opened it up and that was a mistake.

Immediately her scent drifted to me – the familiar mix of faint cigarette smoke and Sweet Pea by Bath and Body Works…. First I stuck my nose in it and breathed deep (and cried) and then I had to just duct tape it shut and put it in the garage. I’ll get it out when I’m feeling a tad stronger.

Anyway, once it dawned on me today, what had happened, I began trying to get an answer at the inmate locator line. What a joke. I have unlimited free long distance on our home line. (the free bit is a bit of a misnomer – we pay a small fee for that, but can talk til we’re blue in the face, nationwide, as a result). I put the phone on speaker each time it put me on hold, and waited for an HOUR each time I tried. I worked all day and never got through. I even took advantage of their handy-dandy fax inquiry line, and faxed a request for her info in, at about 10AM. My fax machine has been silent since then.

At this rate, she could be done (early December), bussed home and ringing my doorbell before I can get her CDC# and send her the first postcard.

I know, Ma, you’ve told me 4,592 times, “don’t exaggerate!”

What. Ever.

Executive decision: I’m going to spend less time trying to figure out what her life is like up there, too. Note to self: Stay off of Prisontalk.com. Tales of no mail out for months at a time, 2 rolls of TP a week, minimal women’s sanitary supplies, and lockdowns as a result of 30 women fighting over a $3.00 bottle of lotion…. Shudder! All because I wanted to know if there was an economical way to get phone calls…. I found out about EVERYTHING except how to economically get phone calls from the two Chowchilla facilities.

I’m focused on getting the invoicing done for my biz – if the docs don’t pay me, I can’t go grocery shopping! And they won’t pay, unless I ask! Once I get that done, my reward is going upstairs and just patting the fabric that I will have time to play with tomorrow! Yay for a new project in the works!

And last but not least…..The mailman brought good news. I got the standard “Congrats – your boobies are fine” from the Imaging Center. After all the fuss, I will ask my doctor to fax me a copy of the transcribed report, to make absolutely sure a comparison to the 2007 films is actually mentioned. After all the hoops we jumped through to get the old images and deliver them ourselves, still, it would not surprise me if the final comparison was overlooked in the hurry of some tired, hungry, stressed-out radiology resident, reading films at 2 AM while gobbling down cold pizza…. I know this is how it goes, because I get the reports to transcribe from my own radiology clients and that’s when a heck of a lot of them are dictated! Yawn! Scary! (Yeah, they don’t sound so good dictated through mouthfuls of that pizza, either!)

Praying for all of us to have a restful evening and lighter hearts!

Update(s)

2010-04-28T16:23:00.000-07:00

Boobie update! I called my primary care physician, and she said they have not received anything from imaging center. She called the imaging center who said they have not received my 2007 one for comparison. I called the previous imaging center who stated they had not received any such request for the old films. Sigh. However, they had not only 2007 but also 2006 and would make a CD copy of both for me. No charge. That’s good of them!

DH has offered to make the hour-long jaunt and will pick up the CD this afternoon with a permission letter from me in his hand (per their directions). Either he, or I will hand deliver the CD (after making a copy!) to the new imaging center and hopefully from there, I will have some comparison results within a week.

Good grief and gravy! Isn't it a pain how proactive a patient must be these days??!!

Youngest Daughter update: Also checked the Riverside jail site and DD2 lingers there still. She expected to have “gone up” last night, but her name is still on the website which is updated every 30 minutes, so she’s still here. That is comforting to me…. I have no problems with her being in jail. She’s housed, fed, safe, and likely not using. She likely will be transferred to prison next Tuesday night.

Prison doesn’t comfort me so much. I am okay most of the time, but there are the occasional “crash and take-me-down moments” where I can NOT believe that my beloved daughter is on her way to a state prison. So be it.

Me update! I’m going to stay exceptionally busy in the sewing room and with taking care of myself for the period of time that she cannot call home, or have access to commissary to purchase postage, etc. I call it the Dark Side (like the dark side of the moon where astronauts can’t contact those on earth). When she’s on the Dark Side (and even afterwards, I’m going for new permanent habits here!), I’m going to really be focusing on my projects and work on remaining positive and productive. No slinking off to nap for extended periods of time, no binge eating.

Instead, these days, I’m slinking off to walk and rigorously following my eating plan, taking my vitamins, etc. My favorite place to walk is a huge reservoir that has a paved trail around it. The weather has been perfect for me and Sir Elton John to hoof it around the 1.7 miles of meandering sidewalk, at a fairly rapid clip! It’s good for me and good for whichever puppy comes with me! I’m working my way back up to going two times around the reservoir, without appearing to be having a Coronary Event afterwards….what with all the panting and red face, etc.

Family update: I’m planning a family dinner soon, which will include my “son”, the young man who lived with us for the two years after he got out of state prison. He’s doing SO WELL. He had a great job utilizing his computer geek skills but was laid off last month. No problem; he’s actively pounding pavement and working on side jobs and plowing ahead. His significant other is my DD1’s best friend (they are so close they say they share a brain) and she is a beautiful, sweet young woman that I adore. So I’ll have almost all my kids with us for a special dinner and make a few memories! Trinidadian curried chicken is on the menu (compliments of Pioneer Woman!), and without the curry from Trinidad - we'll have to settle for something a bit more local!

Anyway, that’s my update. Enough babbling! I’m off to check on you guys!

Lawyers, lies, learning processes, and life goes on!

2010-04-23T08:50:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, she signed on her case - and I found out her public defender had misrepresented some things to her, but I guess that's part of the consequences.

I think lawyers should have to tell the truth…. Sort of like doctors take an oath to “do no harm”, lawyers should be compelled to honestly and fully disclose the consequences of the sentences their clients are being offered. (It has nothing to do with whether it is a public defender or a retained private lawyer.)

Contrary to what her lawyer told her, she Will Not be able to get any training towards getting better employment upon her release. She may not see a counselor or mental health professional with prescribing capabilities, unless she’s able to request one during intake, or voices suicide intent. Apparently, for seven or eight months, unless she is lucky enough to score a job, she gets to “rot on the rack.”

His misrepresentation of the facts pissed me off immensely. How many people get to this point, realize they are facing prison, and are told by their lawyers (whether jaded public defender or retained lawyer who is less than honest for whatever reasons) that they will have this benefit or that benefit, and in reality, will find out too late, they will just get to “rot”.

Not that my daughter couldn’t have been lying about her intentions, but she told me repeatedly that she was signing on her deal and taking prison rather than her other options, because after a very intense seven months or so, she would emerge with a skill that would help her make decent money (even as a felon) LEGALLY. She kept saying “I have to turn this around; I have to use this time to get ready to do this RIGHT.” She stated she was trying to look at the positives and that she would have assistance through her parole office getting placed in a job with her new certification, whatever that certification might be.

Not. Several sources have told me this is not the case. One source was a young lady friend of hers who just got released last month for the exact same charges/sentence that my daughter is facing. She said I didn’t want to know what she had to do to get the job, but she finally scored a job working the docks at 4 AM, loading the food trucks, in the sleet, rain, and freezing cold, but hey, it helped the time pass. But taking a class was not an option.

This friend said her lawyer (that her mom retained) gave her the same song and dance about educational opportunities and job placement assistance when she got out…. Not true.

How do we expect the ones who have reached this point to decide to turn towards a life of rigorous honesty and integrity in their affairs, if they are lied to by the very authorities they are supposed to look to as examples of how to live in our society?

Bottom line, I know that this comes under the heading of Consequences.

If she had not participated in criminal activity, she would not be in this particular position where someone could lie to her about her future. Cold, but true.

I wanted to deck her lawyer and hold my daughter tight.

I spent a good portion of the day checking the web site to see when the "minutes" of her case pop up.... CAN WE SAY CODEPENDENT?

As expected, it came up that she was sentenced to 16 months. That will be halved and time already served will be applied. She should get out no later than early December.

She called last night. She should be transferred up there in two weeks. She said after she gets through the first 60-90 days of “hell” in the receiving yard, and makes it “over the wall”, she will be able to explore opportunities that shorten her sentence a bit, with an inside drug program. That much I was able to verify, as it is described in the inmate reception manual I downloaded for her facility. I also found a web site for the families of inmates that had a lot of information about what she could expect.

She also knows her lawyer gave her incorrect information. She was pretty resigned about that. Apparently there are still positives in her mind, about state prison and parole, versus a county year with extended expensive probation costs, etc. Prison is over months sooner, parole is easier and cheaper, and there will be no "no contact" order on she and Le Boyfriend when they get done with prison. They decided that was the better option for them. Scares the poop out of me, but hey, it's her/their decisions to make.

She sounded good. She asked that I only write once a week so that she won’t miss us so much. She is already in that mindset, that place she goes mentally, where she just “does her time.” She knows the receiving yard is going to be the most miserable experience of her life, and she says she has talked to dozens of girls in jail who are going back again, who have told her what to expect. She says it’s no big deal, she’ll get through it, and then after she’s over the wall, things will be a little easier. And by the time she’s over the wall, she’s really on the downhill portion towards her release date.

She spoke with her dad after that, and they went at it over the phone, for a while. Whatever. I handle my conversations with her one way, he handles his another. Not my concern. She's going to call one more time before she goes up, and then we'll be on letters only while she is there, because the phone calls are rediculously expensive. That sure seems to punish the families, which just doesn't seem right. I mentioned I'd accept a call around her birthday, and if necessary, right before she gets released so that we can finalize where to meet her.

Now. It’s final. I’m surprisingly emotional, but I’m not giving myself permission to wallow in it. I’m thinking about going to go weed the borders in the front yard!

I may or may not follow through on that! *grin*

This weekend, I’m meeting with a friend to learn a new quilting technique and plan out a new quilt we are making. We have two very challenging quilts planned for next year, but we may cheat and start a few blocks early!

Never give up hope!

All done with the cranky...

2010-04-19T23:17:00.000-07:00

And settling into resigned acceptance mixed with a bit of the sad.... And a lot of the glad!

It would appear at this time that the "three amigos" will be signing on their case(s) on Thursday. The best they (my daughter, Le Boyfriend and Le Boyfriend's Brother) can hope to get is 16 months apiece, prison time. (Time is automatically cut in half, so really eight months.)

If they sign Thursday, then Thursday night they will become "state property" and there will be a night time transfer to a different jail. From there, in three to four weeks, they will drop off the radar for about a week or so while they are transferred to the prisons. They will enter prison with about seven months time left to serve.

She actually expressed some regret that she will only be there seven months. Seems that's not long enough to complete firefighter training.

However, she is choosing between some other educational certificates she can earn, and is alternating between tears and sounding like she's going off to college and living in a dorm. I don't know if it's complete obliviousness, a coping mechanism, or both.

Her other choice was a two year program, very intense, with drug classes 8-5 Monday through Friday, and living in a sober home provided by the state. Any screw-ups at all in that program meant an automatic three to six years in prison.

Yes. I'll take 16 months now, Your Honor.

I'm taking things one day at a time. Today I dealt with my annual boobie mashing ceremony, and apparently something looked hokey to the technician who was rather talkative... extra ~~mashings~~ focused views were taken and records are being sent for to compare with my last mammo. I was pretty nonchalant about the whole thing and the technician was acting like she needed to reassure me. I reminded her I type these reports all the time and I know comparisons are done often and really, I was just going to go home and attempt to reinflate my breasts and get back to work. One in four women get breast cancer; why would I be surprised IF that happened to me? And if so, okay, I'll deal with it.

What I didn't say to her was "honey, I've pretty much lost my daughter to mental illness and heroin.... who cares about a boobie!"

I finished up my work and tackled a technically challenging quilt block and rocked out to some Elton John. It was a good evening! Tomorrow after work I'll add in an extra meeting and write my daughter an encouraging letter.

DH is still making the occasional caustic remark; it has helped me enormously that some of you commented that he might be speaking out of his own "hurt".

In fact, reading those comments may have saved his life. Just say'n!

He ripped out a good one tonight and I just quietly said "well then, I'm going to go sew!" And stuck on my headphones. *grin!*

I'm planning a trip in the next two or three months to my parents' home in Wyoming. It will be good to feed chickens, take some walks, see the beautiful scenery and soak up some time with my folks.

Life is good!

Still a bit cranky.....

2010-04-08T17:37:00.000-07:00

I'm buried in work, and hope to visit blogs soon.... tomorrow at latest! Today was one of those days where the urge to "hurry along the 'til death do us part' part" surfaced.

I am unhappy enough about my daughter.

She's been transferred 75 miles away. What's up with that?! I can't visit under those circumstances. It was a three hour ordeal when she was just 24 miles away.

She's got new charges (two - felonies) she didn't bother to tell me the truth about at first. If convicted, or even if she pleads out on one of them, she's looking at state time, almost assuredly.

And someone who is supposed to be my best friend, and who happens to be her dad.....

Well, he made the mistake this morning of stating she's dumber than concrete.

A comment, my older daughter noted, he will not tolerate us saying about our little white chihuahua who really "isn't all there" and frequently manages to forget where she's going when we attempt to let her outside to go potty.... as DD1 said, "this isn't a trick, the door is right where it was yesterday, and the other dogs are leading the way!".....

As the little pup circles the dining room table a few more times, aimlessly. :)

I'm going to have a hard enough time dealing with the fact that my daughter is going to prison, and that my daughter was (again) stealing from other people to support her drug habit. Disparaging and hurtful comments about her intelligence are just not necessary.

I did not poison his drinks for his work cooler for tomorrow. I resisted the urge to go a tad close to the jugular when giving him a haircut this afternoon. All that would do is put me in a cell with my daughter. Aaack!

I miss her, yeah, but I don't want to room with her!

DD1 headed out the door to go house sit for some friends for a week, and was totally glad to go. I swear, she may turn around and find me over there too!

Back to work for me. Rant over!! Will check in with you wonderful peoples tomorrow! Here's a beautiful thought for today:

"There is more to us than we know. If we can be made to see it, perhaps for the rest of our lives we will be unwilling to settle for less." Kurt Hahn

Make that "Mad, Sad and Glad"

2010-04-06T00:52:00.000-07:00

Only you guys will understand my "glad" at this moment. When I was editing the new post below this one, I got a call from a jail in a city just outside our county.

They got her. No new charges, apparently. They just got her because of the warrant which finally went into effect and for whatever reason, she came into contact with an officer who ran her name. I didn't speak with her; I was called by an officer at the intake desk.

I had just spoken to her by phone this afternoon and while she would not tell me where she was, she gave me the strong impression they were tired of the game, and going to turn themselves in Friday after LeBoyfriend had a chance to briefly see his daughter who would be visiting at his mother's home at that time.

And so, she gets another opportunity to do some serious thinking. And she is safe, and she is/will be sober for a while. Hope continues to float!

And while she's "thinking".....

I'm grateful!

Mad and sad....

2010-04-06T00:14:00.000-07:00

Hi, my name is Her Big Sad, and I am mad and sad.

This post deals with the sad – or the resigned feeling. That’s how I’d identify myself if I were asked to pick two feelings these days. Mad, which I mentioned a few days ago. And sad but resigned.

I struggle with the concept that if we follow the program of Alanon or Naranon, we will be “happy”. Several members at my meeting say this constantly. They don’t look all that happy, but that’s what they say.

At this point in my journey (obviously it could change! I’ve only been in Alanon a year or so), I think that it is a little misleading to say that.

I’m not opposed to being wrong though!

I’m not sure we should generalize like that. Maybe instead, I will be increasingly more at peace?

I have not experienced a sense of happiness very often in the last ten years. I think the last time was when my daughter took her one-year chip and her mentor told her that she’d always have a place in his heart, that they went way beyond client and counselor, etc. I watched her blow out her candle and Rick (the guy who brought her home one day with her “recovery puppy”) came over and gave me a hug, and handed me her blown-out candle. I have it in my little office safe. I had planned to make her a wall hanging with pockets, to stash her candles in, each year. To me, those candles belonged on the wall right beside my oldest daughter’s diplomas. Much harder to earn than diplomas, those candles!

She never quite got to the second candle.

Then Rick got sick (cancer) and for a while no one knew. He finally told us when he started chemo again, and I made him a “brick road” quilt, to symbolize the particular journey he was on…

He died four months later. My daughter was in jail at the time. During one of her sober moments, she mentioned she still can’t forgive herself that she was not there for him.

Sorry, I get off on a lot of tangents these days.

But, back to my question regarding happiness. I do think that I can be content, if that makes sense.

Maybe the words or ideas I'm looking for are sad acceptance and resignation, and hopeful optimism related to possibilities...

I have to believe that even if there is a pervasive sadness about my daughter for the rest of my life, there will still be moments of gladness and joy celebrating accomplishments (mine, or others'), definitely worthwhile experiences with my other family members, personal goals to attain, hobbies to enjoy, etc. This particular sorrow will still grab me when I least expect it, but I am hopeful that I will be able to tell it to “shut up and get lost” and redirect my thinking and refocus on positive things.

I’m not sure what I’m asking for here, but I would like to understand what exactly Alanon and Naranon are “promising”.

It seems as though even the Serenity Prayer tempers its promises of happiness, in the second half of the prayer.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

“Reasonably happy” hints at “a little bit less than normally happy”? That’s like saying, after the flu, “I’m feeling reasonably well.” For me, that means, I’m up and walking, eating a bland diet and not straying too far from the bathroom, just in case!

Many years ago, I once gave serious thought to throwing a heavy duty mixer at my DH who suggested to me, during one of my full-fledged, super-duper pity parties, that “Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.” Apparently he was quoting Abraham Lincoln.

Now….. my DH tends to compartmentalize things. He has compartmentalizing not just down to a science, but elevated to an art form. An example is when he lost his mother. Granted he knew it was coming (she had cancer), and he had been travelling 8 hours by car to stay with her every other weekend for three or four days, for a very, very long time. He adored her; they took vacations together after his father died, and she was a much loved and much treasured mom. I miss her every day, and it’s been about eight years. I had an amazing wonderful mother-in-law!

But the day she died, he got the call at 6 AM from his brother who was with Mom (along with hospice personnel) when she passed away at home. DH took the call, talked with his brother briefly, strapped on his equipment and went to work at 7 AM. He literally tucked it away and worked that whole day, and the next, and the next. We drove up for the funeral later that week, and returned that same night. It was a 23-hour day by the time our heads hit the pillows again. And he worked again the day after that.

I can’t compartmentalize like that. (And given his diagnosis in the recovery room a few days ago, maybe he SHOULDN’T compartmentalize like that!)

But still, I think my DH is on to something. I can refocus when this threatens to take me down. Does that make sense?

And to me, my current understanding of the “promises” of Alanon/Naranon is that, I may not ever again be turning cartwheels of glee. But I can focus on the positives and the gratitudes, even while I have that pervasive dull grey cloud off in the distance of my mind. I still grieve. I catch myself worrying. I still cry and scream. But I can accept this thing, that I cannot change. I can stop flailing against it.

As Syd said in the comments of my "mad" post, "there is nothing that you can do for her except tell her your love her. It is time to live for you."

I truly feel that my daughter’s days are numbered (as are everyone’s, but her numbers are winding down, I think). She has told me several times recently, she thinks she is supposed to die from this addiction, and soon. She has admitted to trying to hurry it along…. She has seemed more depressed this year, and her bipolar mood swings have been more pronounced and more frequent.

I sit in the meetings with two moms who have lost one child to addiction and are watching another go down the same road. I know if my daughter doesn’t make it, I will think that I can’t make it either.

But maybe, I will do like thousands of parents everywhere, who have experienced the devastating loss of a child. It’s not the normal order of things. But maybe, in fact likely, I will find a way to take that next breath, and the next…. and the next step, and the next.

I am fortunate. I have 18 years of pretty happy normalcy of family life to look back on (before addiction).

Dammit, I want more!

Some parents over at CHOC (Children’s Hospital of Orange County) would give their eye-teeth and more, for 18 more months with their terminally-ill child. I’ve been blessed.

And I’m still blessed.

I do not in any way mean to make light of the experience of having an addicted child, or losing a child due to addiction. There’s nothing light about it; it is and continues to be, the darkest of experiences I’ve encountered in my life.

I’m not really sure what brought on this post, and the last one. I just wanted to vent my two deepest feelings right now…. Anger, and sad resignation.

(And just a little demented, but that’s probably just the result of having such divergent feelings all the time? Or …..shudder…… a bit of old age sneaking in!)

At any rate, I’m choosing each day to feel those feelings when they surface (often!) and then deliberately turn my focus to something else. Does that make sense? I think there has to be a time and a place to permit these feelings out of their box, let them hit me full blast, grieve, and then put them back into the box, and go on with my life.

I'm being a bit more selfish with my time these days. I declined to do a big Easter thing this year and face another empty chair at the table; instead my oldest daughter and I went to our friend's house and five of us crazy women sat around her big kitchen table with our sewing machines, working on our April block for a quilt pattern we are all making, each in our own colors. We laughed our way through another meeting of the Red Hot Sew'nSews and we laughed our way through the earthquake. (Which was a long one.) But other than feeling seasick briefly and watching the light fixtures sway - no biggie!

Right now, today, I’m going to count my many present blessings and focus on the positive possibilities!

(And “you never know!” She just may get it. I may get more healthy, sober years with my daughter. I may yet get to make that wall hanging to hold those birthday candles!!)

My block from yesterday's quilting bee....

More collateral damage....

2010-04-02T09:04:00.000-07:00

Readers’ Digest version: During a procedure to dilate a constriction in his esophagus (Schatzki’s ring) my husband was found to have abundant and large esophageal ulcers. It is the consensus of the medical profession that stress does not CAUSE ulcers. However, stress certainly will WORSEN them, or prevent them from healing. During a phone call later to check on him, his doctor asked me “is your husband under a tremendous amount of stress?”

Ya think? I seriously had a moment where I thought I would burst into hysterical laughter/tears.

Since these were not present at an earlier procedure to remove a food bolus during a choking spell, they are a new and recent development. And since he has a strong family history of cancer, and esophageal ulcers can develop into esophageal cancer…. There is apparently cause for concern and biopsies were taken. Everything looks benign now.

But he’s got to learn some new coping mechanisms, or we’re going to lose more than just our daughter to this. Her situation is not the only stressor in his life. But it is by far, the largest and the most painful. It eclipses everything else.

Well-mixed emotions - Mad....

2010-04-01T08:24:00.000-07:00

"Hi, my name is Her Big Sad, and I am mad."

We used to have to introduce ourselves at family therapy sessions and state at least two feelings we were experiencing.

Today I’m writing about just one - the mad. I’ve noticed I am way more cranky these days, concerning my daughter. I went through an angry spell many years ago and really thought I had passed that point. Guess not.

I’ve reached my patience limit with so much of her situation.

For example: with my daughter’s creditors’ calls and letters. I've started calling every creditor as the bills come in, and telling them, "I know you can't talk to me about her financial issues. But let me talk to you. She's a homeless, asset-less, mentally-ill drug addict and has been incarcerated and will be incarcerated again, any day now..... Good luck, Chuck, with getting the money from her. Get the word out - she's sucking all of you dry and you haven't a prayer of collecting."

I usually try to say it a little more nicely. I don’t always succeed. It just seems like in the age of computers, they could somehow flag their internal database in some fashion and at LEAST not reissue more credit to her in the future. Some of these stupid credit cards have issued her more than one card which she has abused and discarded. Capital One did that. After losing over ten grand to her, they issued another card. WTF. ('scuze me!)

And the hospital bills? What is the point in pestering the family of an indigent adult – this is not their bill or legal responsibility (if it was, I’d go bankrupt!). Once they are told this is not her address and not our responsibility, why must they continue to call?

However, I realize right now, my anger stems mostly from the fact that I know what she is doing. She's gone on "good ones" often enough, and in the past, I've cleaned up the wreckage often enough (packing up her stuff after she's arrested and bringing it home), that I KNOW WHAT SHE'S DOING. She is breaking into cars and houses, stealing, and selling for drug money/motel money, etc. When she's sober, she expresses remorse, contrition, etc. And I think she probably means it at that time. But when she's loaded? She sees absolutely nothing wrong with her actions. "That's what insurance is for, Mom. I'm not hurting anyone." How did she miss the basic message I taught her from the cradle..... if it doesn't have your name on it, don't touch it.

I'm sick to death of throwing away glass cutters and lock picks.

I no longer pack her up. Haven't for a while. If she loses her nicer work clothing and her prized hoodies along with her glass cutters, lock picking kits, and drug paraphernalia, so be it.

She usually calls every four or five days. Oddly, I don't always want to talk with her for long, when she's running amok. I’m profoundly grateful to hear her voice. And I'm angry. What a mix! I tell her I love her and I close the conversation pretty quickly, after reminding her that today would be a great day to turn herself in..... I say it nicely. I honestly don’t dwell on that. I try to be positive. I write her an e-mail about once a week that is loving and reminds her of the good qualities and strengths hidden down inside the shell she has erected around her. She wrote me back a week ago and thanked me for the emails, stating I encourage her more than she can say. (but not quite enough to turn herself in just yet!)

She called yesterday and mentioned again that they are planning to turn themselves in after Le Boyfriend sees his daughter when she visits later this week from out of state. And across the miles, Lou’s voice is carried on the winds that are blowing today…… “show me, don’t tell me….show me!”

I miss you, Lou!! *grin!*

I don't even remind her that I had offered her a ride for turning herself in, any more. She can get there herself. She’s getting everywhere else she wants to be….. food, motel room, pawn shop, connection, his parents’ house, more connections, etc. I’d probably take her if she asked, in order to keep my promise, and actually would be glad she made that choice, but I’m not actively offering any more. I’m cranky.

I know that she will probably have to go to prison soon. And that's okay. I mean, it’s not okay. But it is what it is.

In a preverse way, I think she WANTS that. Why?

Where is this anger coming from? I've gotten so cold/numb. I don’t even check the website any more. If she's in, she'll call collect. This time, I may not take any calls after the first one. We used to take one a week. I'm even sick of that.

I know this is a disease. But I don't think my daughter is going to recover. I'm mad, sad, and numb. I'm also aggressively trying to move on. I guess ten years will do that to you. I identify strongly with what Fractal Mom has said so often. My daughter appears to be already gone.

I hope. I pray. But I temper it in reality. And the likelihood that for my daughter, it will not come to pass.

I used to tell myself that she could beat statistics, beat the disease, beat this enemy back down and walk over it to a life full of promise. Now I remind myself instead of a wise blogger's comment: “I must learn to live in the world of what is, and not in the world of what ought to be.”

I am mad.

I love her.

I miss her so damn much.

Edited to add: Warrant for LeBoyfriend’s brother is finally in force. I do not understand why it takes so long from the time you miss a probation appointment and they report it (which happened immediately – the morning after she missed!), until the time the judge signs and warrant becomes effective. Anyway, it’s my understanding that the warrants for her and LeBoyfriend will be about 5-7 days behind the brother’s, going into effect. Hope springs. Now if we can just get them pulled over for looking suspicious…. Maybe all three of them will end up where they need to be. She said they were pulled over a couple weeks ago, and held their collective breaths while the police ran their names, but since the warrants weren’t up yet, they were free to go. The slowness of this process astounds me sometimes. And my oldest, DD1, says that its going to get worse. She’s in paralegal studies and her professors have said that the court system is laying off, in some cases, 50% of their support personnel. Lawyers are beginning to work as paralegals. Paralegals can’t get jobs. And the court system is grinding down to an even slower crawl. What a mess!

Well, my day holds other concerns than DD2 and her escapades. I’ve prayed and put her in His hands, and I have transcription work to do, a husband to get through a minor surgical procedure today, and a dog sit job to carry out, in addition to taking care of our five pups!! Life goes on!!

Another mom.....

2010-03-29T18:54:00.001-07:00

Please everyone, go visit and give her an encouraging word.

HerMother

Thanks!

Turning corners...

2010-03-26T12:30:00.000-07:00

A bit of a corner has been turned, in me, in my mind (feeble though it may be at my age)!

I hit a new level of “low” in regards to my daughter. I really felt a sort of audible mental click a week or so ago, maybe two. I'm just… I’m not sure how to explain it.

I’m more angry these days. Dad's post really hit home – I so get it!)

But mostly, I’m okay. I’m sad. But I’m okay. What choice to I have anyway!?

Acceptance.

I love the daughter I carried inside me, nursed, kissed, and raised. I have loved being her mom. But she’s so seldom “home” inside her body these days. She’s certainly not part of our lives at this time (her choice). She’s all but gone.

And I’m sad. But I’m okay. Everyone must experience some “sad”. Why should I expect to be any different?!

I have a post I want to fine tune a bit, and think on, before I put it up…. More along these lines…. Not sure if I'm restating the obvious or getting hung up on semantics, but a thought or two I will share later.

But for today, just wanted to check in with my dear blogging friends and say…

My head’s up. I’m plugging along. Life is so worthwhile, even though it has changed so dramatically over the past decade.

And I am still so grateful for the good in my life!

P.S. I miss so many of our bloggers. <3

P.P.S. Second quilt top completed for Crisis Center Homes. Starting a third this weekend!

It's quiet

2010-03-16T00:11:00.000-07:00

No changes. Also, no phone calls, no contact whatsoever other than a brief IM a few days ago. (I hate not having contact…. I can stand the wait, if I can just occasionally call and have a simple conversation and say “I love you.” The silence? It is deafening. I'm filling it with good music.)

Gratitudes:
I have sufficient work to pay my bills.
I have the health to do the work.
Regarding DD2, there has been no bad news!
Asparagas is in season – yum!
Daylight Savings Time means my sewing room is bright longer into the evenings, so I can see/sew longer!
Daylight Savings Time also means no excuse for not walking after dinner or before work each day. I’m working on that one!

:)

Checking motives!

2010-03-10T23:47:00.000-08:00

I got to see her briefly day before yesterday. She came by unexpectedly, to pick up a couple of her things. She was with Le Boyfriend. I thought he looked very skinny (his drug of choice is speed). She looked really good to me, but every inch of her was covered with clothing, so who knows. He only hung around a few moments, and then went to wait in the car. I told her that I just wanted her to know that should she ever decide to step away and take care of herself and only herself, the ride to probation was available and that I would sit and wait with her for moral support….. (and that I would not turn him in, if she made that choice.)

Their “best thinking” is that they will just try to get clean and stay out of the county. They apparently think that will help them evade arrest. Boyfriend told me he knows if he turns himself in, or if he is arrested, either way, it’s 16 months prison time for him and he just wants to delay it as long as possible.

Jello-brain. (one of my kids' favorite insults to fling around at about age five!)

DD2 admitted she was aware it could go easier on her if she turned herself in, and she would likely do a little time and then get held until a program bed was available. But she “can’t leave him.”

Jello-brain. A matched pair. (Sorry, I'm still in "cranky mode".)

Really, I raised my girls to be independent. I chanted the “say no to drugs” and the “you don’t need a Significant Other to be complete” speeches regularly. They know my speeches so well they can say them, themselves. I’ve heard them do it.

As several folks have pointed out, she is as dependent on him as she is on the heroin.

I handed over her stuff and we exchanged hugs and “I love yous”. DH and I walked out with her under the auspices of waving goodbye, commented to them on their rental car choice (a car they know I happen to like) and I noted the brand of the rental car key tag when I leaned in to wave at Le Boyfriend and told them to “take care of themselves”. Then we waved them out of sight (chanting the plate number to ourselves as we did).

I couldn’t decide whether to give that info to Probation or not. DH was afraid of repercussions from pissed-off loaded boyfriend or boyfriend’s brother…. I’m so wanting to just get this stopped before she overdoses or gets another theft charge or worse. Jail would mean no more heroin for a while.

Then I remembered reading Lisa C’s comment about “check your motives” made on another blog. And then I think I read the same viewpoint by Syd on yet another one!

Check my motives. Would I be trying to do something to FIX HER? Yep.

Thanks fellow bloggers, for that bolt of clarity!

Really, nothing changes, if nothing changes, way deep down inside. If she is stopped in some fashion, but doesn’t resolve to walk away from all of it, including him, I fear she’ll never make it. So, not sure there is any benefit to passing the rental car info along….This has to be HER shift in thinking…. Not a change in circumstances that I manipulate.

Next morning, Probation called and I answered all of her questions honestly. Yes, I’d seen her. Yep, quite unexpectedly, and right there in my living room 18 hours earlier. Gone in ten minutes. No, I don’t know exactly where she is staying. No, I don’t think she’s going to turn herself in. Yes, I’m glad there is now a warrant on all three of them. Yes, if she comes by again, I’ll try to get her to speak with Probation.

But in the meantime, I just continue to pray. And hope. And I’m going to take the Little People for a walk today. I got a new leash extension that is spliced so I can walk the littlest two together…. If we don’t tie ourselves in knots and go down in a heap, the walk with be good for all of us! And then I’m going to go sew on the quilt top for the Crisis Center. And make DH some Piccata Chicken (a la Pioneer Woman’s site). And plants some flower seeds. Life goes on, and it’s good. Not perfect, but darn good!

Edited to add:
Here’s the first finished quilt top for the Crisis Centers my dad and mom work with. I will layer it with batting and backing tomorrow, pin it, and then start quilting it all together. I’m not entirely happy with it, but it has the colorful and scrappy look I was going for, and I think I’ll like it better when it’s quilted and has the binding on it.

I have enough scraps left over (and this was donated fabric from a friend to start with!) to make several Sunbonnet Sue blocks and I hope to do this with scraps from each quilt I make, thereby gaining a whole ‘nuther quilt at the end of this project, with bits and scraps from each quilt along the way.

The Little People took the opportunity to test the quilt top for softness and check it out as a wrestling surface.

Tuffboy goes for the throat!

And Kimi retaliates with an assault on his leg! That’s my girl!

The Chicken Piccata was great. The walk was challenging (from the "tangle up and fall" factor, not the distance or the weather!) The seeds didn’t get planted, but tomorrow is another day!

Good night!

One call....

2010-03-05T07:45:00.000-08:00

DH called our daughter a few days ago. No response.

I called yesterday. She eventually called back. She is with Boyfriend and his brother. The conversation was calm, punctuated by the occasional nervous laugh on her part.
I asked if she had any good ideas… especially about what may happen when she misses her next probation appointment. She said they’ll be looking for her then.

(I didn’t mention that I think they are looking for them now, since the fact that she is not at the sober home address was reported to probation by the house owner.)

They have openly admitted they are “running amok” (using).

I told her I loved her and that I guess she’s gotta do, what she’s gotta do.

I reminded her that she had just completed a comfortable detox (compared to detoxing in jail) and been provided (by her ex-sponsor) with a sober home bed from which to make the necessary phone calls to obtain the rehab she repeatedly says she wants. She was within a couple weeks of getting exactly what she said she wanted/needed, and she chose to walk out of that sober home and get loaded within an hour of arriving there.

I didn’t say it mean; I just said that I didn’t understand why she did it. And that I still was praying for her and hoping she’d find her way to sobriety. She said something like “that’s the plan, mom.”

I asked that she and the boys call home occasionally just to let their respective families know they are alive. She agreed (they did too, in the background, so I really hope Boyfriend and his brother call his mom).

I’m not sure there is anything else I can do. She knows she is loved. She knows I’m not going to attempt to drag her back to do what she knows she should be doing.

DH and I have decided that if she should call and ask for help, we will offer to come and get her and take her directly to probation. (So she will have to meet us in daylight hours well before probation closes.) And she will be assured we will not in any way try to turn in or report the Boyfriend. If she wants to walk away from the situation, we can pick her up and take her to probation and sit with her until her P.O. comes to the waiting room to get her (at which time she’ll go back to jail). From jail, perhaps the judge will have her wait, in a sober condition, for a bed to open at rehab. She doesn’t seem able or willing to get there from the outside. Other than that, I have NO good ideas. (Of course, the judge may think prison would accomplish the same thing.)

I can’t think of anything else we can do for her at this point. She is not asking for anything.

I’m busying myself with a quilting project. My dad and mom work closely with two women’s crisis centers in Wyoming where they live. They often use coupons and score household items at a good price and drop them off at the houses, and they are good friends with the ladies that run/manage the homes. These houses are for women/children trying to leave abusive situations at home. Sometimes they run from their abusive situation with nothing but the clothes they are wearing and the children in their arms.

My quilting friends and I are going to make simple, bright, colorful quilts for each of the beds/cribs in the two group homes. I got one quilt completely cut out and half the blocks made last night. I’ll post a picture when the quilt top is completed. This project is really helping me focus on doing something I find relaxing and meaningful. I pray for my daughter and all our blogging community while sewing – it calms me and then I turn my attention back to the quilt at hand!

We hope the quilts will help create a warm, homey appearance at the women’s crisis centers. The goal is to have them all made by “first frost” next fall. (That’s probably optimistic, given that sometimes it has been known to snow on their Fourth of July parade! But hopefully we’ll have them done by September!)

My dad has already made two crib quilts tops! I will “sandwich” the tops with batting and backing and stitch/quilt them together soon. A friend donated a completed crib quilt she made for a contest that she really did not have planned for a specific baby. Another friend has a twin sized quilt she made while taking a quilting class to learn a specific technique; she’s donating that one. We’re well on our way!

Gratitudes:
- My youngest daughter is alive and there is hope.
- My oldest daughter is doing well in her paralegal studies, despite worrying about Sister.
- My work is at a level that pays our bills!
- My sewing friends are enthusiastically helping me with this project!
- We’ve received donations of fabric from several quilters’ stashes!
- The cool weather and sunshine - Loving SoCal right now!
- DH’s dogs, that make me laugh with their antics.
- My lettuce is growing well.
- It’s Friday!

Wishing us all a peaceful weekend!

Apologies!

2010-02-28T07:40:00.000-08:00

I briefly posted a post here yesterday that was meant for my "happy" blog. I caught it and deleted the post within about four minutes, but apparently it had showed up on some folks' "readers". I'm sorry!!

There is no news. I haven't heard from her at all since I hugged her and left her on Thursday. Until I have reason to think otherwise, I'm choosing to think this is good. She's still breathing. I'll take it! Wishing us all a peaceful and restful Sunday!

Oh well.....

2010-02-26T07:09:00.000-08:00

I described my afternoon yesterday with my daughter in the post below this one. Everything was accomplished and I returned home. At 5:58 pm she called to make sure I got home okay and told me she really liked the house and everyone was really nice.

At 7:00 am this morning, her former sponsor called me to tell me that she never came home last night.

She's pretty convinced DD2 is with the Boyfriend. He wasn't really talking to her yesterday, but I really figured they'd be talking again soon. I hoped however, that they would not get together. Her probation officer had said that he turned himself in on Monday and was "doing what he needed to do." I was hopeful about that.

If her sponsor isn't able to get my daughter to return to the sober home by about 3 pm today, she's going to just call Probation and report it. This hopefully would eventually result in arrest. My daughter's admitted goal while she was on her last run was to use enough to kill herself. So I'm hoping that they are able to arrest her sooner rather than later. Arrest is the only thing that stops her.

But frankly, I don't think that an arrest, or continuing this revolving door in and out of jail would accomplish much. My daughter just doesn't seem able to do this. She's broken. She asked me again yesterday if I thought she could do it. Yesterday, I told her once again, "I know you can!"

But today, I just don't think she will. I will never give up hope. But I feel that I'm hoping for something that will never be.

I guess today will be one of those one hour at a time days... I have work to do, and I have other family members to love and care for, and what will be will be!

My thoughts....

2010-02-25T08:17:00.000-08:00

Kelli at heartsbrokenmomdrugaddict asked "When does the lying stop?"

A response to this question was posted at recoveryhelpdesk.com.

RecoveryHelpDesk suggests: "People lie about use because they don’t want to face the consequences of being honest. Often these consequences are reactive and counter-productive to long term recovery.

Perhaps people are wise to want to avoid them.

The lying ends, of course, when it is safe to tell the truth

This happens when the person stops using and feels the safety of a stable recovery.”

Here are some thoughts off the top of my head.... i.e., My Opinion... and that's all it is, is an OPINION.

(Take what you need or agree with, and leave the rest, etc! And please share Your Opinion... I'm still learning!) In fact, in this post, I'm thinking out loud and just getting my thoughts down.

This seems to suggest “the lying would end when there are no (or reduced) consequences to admitting they are using.” I’ve read the article several times. I absolutely may be mis-reading it, or taking away from it something different than what RecoveryHelpDesk meant. If so, I truly apologize....

Anyway, I feel that if The Truth is that my addict is using, in my opinion there should be some consequences. These consequences help protect my own personal boundaries. A few examples: I will not live in a house where drugs are being used. If my addict is using, she is not going to live here and perhaps will not be permitted to even visit here for a while. Why should I risk losing another camera, Ipod, or having my bank account hacked online from my own computer while I am in the shower? Why should I have to lock up valuables in order to open the front door to her?

If I let her keep coming home each time she relapses and gets clean in jail or detox, instead of taking away that privilege as a consequence of using and then stealing from us, am I not just setting us all up to go through it again?

That doesn’t mean I would not meet her elsewhere, share a meal, be in her life, etc.

Another example: Why should I provide a car for her to use to get to work if she is using? The inevitable conclusion there is that there will be less and less days where she will make it to work, and more and more days that I will run the increased risk of financial hardship when she plows through a red light while loaded and injures someone and my insurance rates go up (or there is a personal lawsuit from the injured party/family because we knew she was an addict and still gave her the killing tool--the car)?

Believe me....that happens! And even if you are proven not liable? You could bankrupt yourself proving it in court. Lawyers are e$pen$ive.

That doesn’t mean that I will not meet her, as I am today, and enthusiastically hand her a sack lunch and take her to an intake evaluation for possible inpatient treatment (county paid).

If she chooses to use, there are using friends who can and do assist her, and she assists them, in the business of daily living as an addict. She never fails to manage to get a room for the night, food to eat, clothing to wear, and medical care. She may steal. She may not pay her bills (such as her two recent overnight stays in the emergency room for IV antibiotic administration for a widespread staph infection), but the care is available. "Addicts are remarkably resilient", to quote another blogger.

I will not help her under those circumstances. If she is using, she has my love, she has my encouragement, and she knows this. She simply will not have certain “comforts” and “privileges” while using, because I choose to protect my own home environment from seeing and experiencing her lifestyle, up close and personal, 24/7.

“Often these consequences are counter productive to long term recovery.”
Okay, here's my confusion on that statement. In the ten years I’ve been dealing with this in my family, I’ve not heard of one addict who got clean and stayed clean, while not experiencing consequences, or while sitting around, warm and cozy, with full rights and privileges normally given a non-using, productive member of society. If I could get loaded and there would be no consequences, where is my motive to ever stop?

I’m just thinking out loud here. This is still, after ten years, a learning process. We tried the whole gamut of responses to her addiction:

from insurance-provided treatment when she was younger, to treatment we have helped pay for,

from letting her live with us and the unfortunate results which always included her leaving anyway, to telling her she can no longer live here,

from paying for sober homes while she is looking for work fresh out of jail, to having a clearly stated endpoint to that sort of help and backing off and allowing her the dignity of assuming her own care.

I am wide open to hearing other opinions. If I have completely misinterpreted the article, I apologize and I would truly like to learn/understand something that might help my family/my addict.

The post also stated, "If you don’t like the lies, your best option is to help create a recovery environment that supports your loved one in becoming more open with you."

I feel a little differently - I think my best option is to support and love her from a distance while SHE creates her own recovery environment, i.e., works, lives in a sober home, attends meetings, works the steps, etc. If she does those things, she creates exactly what she needs and derives some pride/satisfaction from having created it herself.

(Because lying is such a constant with an addict, I don't make decisions based on what I hear. I go by what I see (she's paying her rent means she is working), or by how the words are conveyed (body language, tension, calmness, etc).

Since there are consequences to certain truths at my house, the lying stops not when it is safe to tell the truth (I'm using); the lying stops when the truth is safe to tell (I'm not using).

Perhaps I am saying the same thing, as the RecoveryHelpDesk's last sentence I quoted above? "This happens when the person stops using and feels the safety of a stable recovery." Your thoughts?

Update: I picked up my daughter from detox. I told her of her former sponsor's offer of a bed in her sober home from which she can make calls to try to get into inpatient treatment. Probation approved her living there. I drove her to her intake appointment at the Villa. She was told the wait could be 4+ weeks, but she knows that if she calls every single day, she moves up on that list and the wait gets considerably shorter. She will also get appointments for other intake evaluations at places like Phoenix House, Salvation Army, etc. I dropped her and her clothing at the sober home and her former sponsor will meet with her there later this evening if possible. DD2 asked if we could meet for lunch this weekend and I said "Sure!" She's been out of detox a couple of hours and already has three possible jobs lined up which may permit her to work until admission for treatment, go into the 30 day lockdown portion of treatment and then come back to work during the subsequent 60 days of treatment when she is expected to be working outside. I know she can do this. I hope and pray that she will! I love her so much!

Edit from RecoveryHelpDesk:
Tom sent me an expansion on his post that helped me understand a LOT more of the concepts he was trying to convey. He couldn't get it to post as a comment (too long, I think) and he sent it to me in an email - the only way I could figure to get it on here was as an addendum to my post!

Thank you Tom!! I really appreciate it and I do understand more clearly what you were saying. You have some different and new (to me) methods and I am grateful for your further explanation. Thank you for your thoughtful reply!!

Hi,

I've been trying to leave this comment...maybe you could post it for me.
Are you ever in the chat room at junkjunk.ning.com? I'd enjoy chatting
with you some time!

Tom

Comment:

Thanks for reading my blog, commenting on my blog, thinking about what I
wrote, and being so kind and gentle in your sharing of a different
perspective! I appreciate all that.

I also appreciate you pointing out where I could stand to clarify…

When I say that people often lie to avoid the consequences of telling the
truth about drug use, I’m just making an observation.

I don’t seek to impose consequences for a few reasons:

1. They aren’t very effective (check out the relapse rate after release
from jail, or the ER)

2. Major consequences already exist (overdose, HIV, Hep C, loss of money,
loss of family, loss of child custody, loss of job, loss of housing,
negative emotions etc.), and I don’t need to add more

3. I want to establish a therapeutic relationship with my clients and not
a power relationship with my clients (I’m a counselor not a probation
officer)

4. Focus on consequences is ineffective and removes focus from what is
effective… putting together a realistic and workable recovery plan,
removing barriers to recovery, supporting recovery, reducing harm, and not
adding to harm

I would also like to be clear that I encourage parents to set boundaries
to protect themselves and other family members, but not to impose
“consequences” in the sense of “punishments” intended to somehow force
recovery.

Not having somebody live with you who is likely to steal is an example of
a good boundary to set for your own benefit. It may also be a
consequence, but it is much more likely to be an effective personal
boundary than an effective incentive for recovery.

Also, let me clarify what I mean when I said,

“Often these consequences are counter productive to long term recovery.”

Let me give a common example:

Client has a probation officer who says, “I’m here to help you, I just
need you to be honest with me.”

Client has a recovery plan, get’s into treatment, gets a place to live and
a job. This isn’t easy.

Client relapses. Client is “honest” with the PO. PO puts client in jail
for their “safety.”

PO does not allow for the relapse response plan to go into effect. As a
result, a minor relapse results in discharge from treatment, loss of
housing, loss of job, loss of trust in the system and the process.

People sometimes take years to come back from this kind of a set back. It
may be years before they even feel able to try again.

The consequence was reactive and counter-productive to long term recovery.

As I like to say, real recovery is safe and sustainable.

The PO put the person at risk (decreasing safety not increasing safety).
And instead of helping to re-stabilize the person following a relapse,
they caused the person to become significantly more destabilized.

The medicine was worse than the ailment.

Her Big Sad wrote, “In the ten years I’ve been dealing with this in my
family, I’ve not heard of one addict who got clean and stayed clean, while
not experiencing consequences, or while sitting around, warm and cozy,
with full rights and privileges normally given a non-using, productive
member of society.”

In my experience, people suffer more than enough consequences without
needing to have more imposed in the name of recovery. I have helped
hundreds of clients successfully transition from current use to long term
recovery without imposing a single consequence.

In fact, my program is built on a “low threshold” model. For example, we
work with people and respect them in the same way whether they are using
or not using.

We don’t require people to have appointments (walk-ins are fine). There
are no consequences for missed appointments other than a phone call
checking in to see how the client is doing and inviting them to reschedule
or stop in when they have time.

Our focus is on enabling recovery. To do that, we need to be in contact
with our clients whether or not they are using, whether they are in jail
or out of jail, and whether life is such that they can keep appointments
or not.

We need them to feel safe communicating openly with us so that we can help
them problem solve. We need to be on the same side –and it has to feel
like we are on the same side.

Consequences are not useful to us.

If you haven’t already, I would ask you to read my post about “hitting
bottom,” because I think it will add to this.

So when I say, “If you don’t like the lies, your best option is to help
create a recovery environment that supports your loved one in becoming
more open with you,” I’m advocating for taking this kind of approach as a
parent.

Set appropriate boundaries for yourself (and explain them in that way),
but don’t try to assert control by imposing consequences.

Your power to contribute in a positive way to your child’s recovery comes
from your status as a parent. Your appropriate support is highly
meaningful and effective.

Her Big Sad also said, “Since there are consequences to certain truths at
my house, the lying stops not when it is safe to tell the truth (I’m
using); the lying stops when the truth is safe to tell (I’m not using).”

The problem with this approach is that you may not hear the truth until
(unless) your daughter is already successful in recovery.

As a treatment provider, I’m not satisfied with the “wait until they hit
bottom” approach, or the “come talk to me when you are already sober”
approach. I want to intervene now, build motivation to change in a
positive way, and support recovery every step of the way.

This is an approach that can work for parents too.

My point is that by letting go of the need to control or impose
consequences you can place yourself in a better position to be a part of a
process that results in earlier and more effective recovery.

I realize this is a non-traditional approach. But I think it is a more
effective approach, and one that is more respectful of individual dignity
and choice. It also is more humane.

I’ve got lots of personal experience with this approach, and I know it works.

Thank you for contributing to an interesting and respectful conversation.

An option

2010-02-24T13:38:00.000-08:00

Update: We have an option we will present to DD2 when I pick her up from detox tomorrow. She has no idea where she will go for the two weeks or so that she has to make early morning phone calls to try to get a bed in residential treatment.

She wants to come home. No way, I say.

If she accepts the option that sort of landed in our laps, great! She will have a place to make her calls and sleep. If she agrees, when I drop her at Probation, she will have her appointment with her and give her the information. We will proceed to the first treatment intake appointment which is scheduled for tomorrow afternoon and then to the place that was offered to her. If she does not accept the option, or if she has not located a place on her own by that time, I will leave her at the Villa for that appointment as planned. I'll just go home! She has a cell phone, and she can start calling for other places to stay from their front porch. 'Tis up to her.

Coming home is not being offered. (Subject to DH changing his mind, etc. Sigh.)

I will show support, and love, encourage her, and leave and let go. It is up to her. She is mourning her perceived loss of Boyfriend, whom I do not for one moment think is going to remain lost to her. That’s up to her too.

I’m going to come home tomorrow evening and go to my sewing room. I sewed the blocks you see below last night. The big one is a 10-1/2 inch square, the little ones are 5-1/2 inches square. After they are sewn into a finished quilt, they will be 10 inches and 5 inches finished.

The 5 inch ones are challenging - almost 30 pieces in 5 inches square.

(click to embiggen but don't look too closely at the stitching!)

DH and I are a bit alike with stress. He cleans. Every time he’s gotten fired, he’s cleaned out the garage. A clean garage now makes me nervous!

Funny story: he never tells me he’s fired. He tapes down the light bulb in the fridge so it won’t turn on, symbolic of our sudden need to be even more frugal. I open the door and Ooops! I know exactly what’s happened. I also know where to look for him for details. I head to the garage!

I don’t mean to make it sound like he gets fired regularly, but after 30 years, the four or so jobs that have ended for him in that fashion have created a silly bit of tradition for us. The tradition has spread from him – when our oldest got laid off last year, it was the first thing she did when she got home with her box of desk supplies and personal belongings! We laughed! In the face of what should have devastated her! She was grinning from ear to ear – she felt like a REAL grownup cos she had been through something like her dad, and she could carry on the goofy tradition! Apparently when my “son” got laid off two weeks ago – he did it at his house!

I sew for a hobby, and I’m passionate about quilting. But when stressed, I sew for peace. I think it is the measuring, cutting, fitting, pressing, and the precision along the way that calms my mind!

I'm staying focused on our blessings today!

And another one....

2010-02-22T17:09:00.000-08:00

Scoot over and make some room for patientlywaiting. She's been at it for a good long heartbreaking while too....

Not sure if any of you have found her.... so thought I'd put up the link.

Drama and Trauma

2010-02-18T18:09:00.000-08:00

Edit: to "Dad" - Thank you for your generous offer to meet a plane and deliver my daughter to a treatment center. (She's 27, no benefits.) One thing my husband and I agree on, is no more rehab paid for by us. We just can't. I don't want to retire and roll around in piles of money, but I want to retire and know my little cottage on a small chunk of land someplace is paid for and I will not starve. Again, thank you SO much for your offer. I would do the same for any of us in our blogging community....

She called at 11:30 or 12 noon, screaming from the roadside. They had argued, and it got fairly violent with yelling and alledgedly, with slapping going on (both involved). She grabbed the wheel and yanked it at one point and the truck hit a post. He was able to stop. No one was hurt. She got out and ran, supposedly thinking he was angry enough to maybe hurt her. She called us as she was running and was basically screaming that she wanted to die, that she had killed the relationship.

She had been supposed to call the detox at 1 PM. We got to where she was and took her back to the scene of the accident in case police were called and she needed to make a statement. The truck tire was flat, bumper was half torn off on right front. His brother and he were leaving in his brother’s truck. We stopped beside each other long enough for DH to ask if they were going to report it, and did they need a statement. When he determined Boyfriend was emotional, not angry, he got out to speak to him and I got out too.

He begged us to get her some help and he stated he was going to have to take care of himself. He said he’d be fine, he just couldn’t be fine with her. He was shaking, unable to focus his eyes, teary and obviously "out of his mind on speed". He admitted that. He and his brother left and we got back in our car. My daughter had just stayed in the back seat crying. She has repeatedly said she wants to die. Someone more professional than I will have to determine if she is attention-seeking or sincere.

She called the detox, still crying. She was told to call back at 4 PM. She called Probation, who wanted to see her before she went in to detox, if there was a bed. Probation said for her to come in. She went. Loooooooong wait with her while we watched her officer toss another person’s car for drugs. She finally got in, and her officer asked me to accompany them. Ugh.

In the office, Probation grilled her until she finally gave up the fact that she’d been with Boyfriend. She admitted it only after being told that if she didn’t admit what she'd been up to, she’d be arrested instead of being released to go to detox. She was mouth-swabbed for the records, and photos were taken of her arms (cut to ribbons). Probation called the detox (it was 3 PM by then) and got her cleared to come right over. We dropped her there, with her bag of clothes, PJs, sweatshirt, toiletries. We can call after about 48 hours if we like and visit during certain hours.

I’m in no hurry to do that. I want her to focus on her. But that’s up to her.

After seven days, they will boot her out of Roque Center detox. She will then have to start calling to see if she can get a bed in an actual treatment center. Probation wants to see her immediately after she is released.

I think, but must confirm, that the Salvation Army would take her that day after a phone interview.

It is my feeling today (which obviously can change because I'm all over the board emotionally), that if she can't get into any of the placers she wants (Villa, Roque Center treatment unit, Cooper, Nancy Clark, etc), but she is TURNING DOWN a bed at Salvation Army, I will simply tell her she has to stay somewhere else to make the calls to get where she wishes to be. That attitude from her at that point would demonstrate a lack of necessary willingness. DH is already saying he doesn't like my viewpoint.

I got home and Boyfriend’s mom had called. I returned her call and she told me they could have been killed because of my daughter’s actions and told me in no uncertain terms that she felt the two of them should not be together for a long, long time, if ever. I heartily agreed, but carefully stated I hoped that our children understood that also. That obviously we could not keep them apart. She ended the conversation and that was that.

I’m going to have some dinner and get horizontal. Long day. She is safe and getting a six day binge out of her system. I have a seven day reprieve before this is in my face again. G'nite!

I ratted.

2010-02-18T10:05:00.000-08:00

Again, thank you all for your comments and input yesterday. I am much more at a point of acceptance today. It is what it is.

As far as an update: I ratted.

Probation and I talked this morning. She needed my fax number to send the referral for DD2’s outpatient treatment program. I answered P.O.’s questions honestly, including the one about when I’d seen DD2 last….. which was last Friday. I told her once we knew what was going on, we’d told her that she could not come home. I told her that DD2 is supposedly calling treatment centers each morning and hoped to get in, admitted using, etc. Probation told me to tell her to call her, that she’d be helpful if DD2 approached her, but would have no course but to violate/arrest her, if P.O. had to come and find her.

Ironically, or was it a God-thing?, I hung up from Probation and DD2 called within nanoseconds. She’s to call back one of the treatment centers today at 1 PM, highly likely she’ll get in. She will need a ride. I agreed to pick her up (with DH, bad part of town) and take her in, and bring a small bag of clothing/pjs.

I mentioned what Probation and I had talked moments earlier and that I had admitted not seeing her for a week. She was fine with that (not that I care if she was fine with that, just helps me gauge where she is mentally). She was crying, admitted she is using heroin daily (so she was likely NOT sober from Saturday until yesterday, as she had said yesterday), and wants to quit. She said she was willing to walk away from Boyfriend. He’s out of his mind anyway, thinks there are people in TV watching him and that she’s screwing his brother. Good times. Whatever....not my business.

I told her to let me know what happened at 1 PM and to keep doing the next right thing. Mentioned if she didn’t get in today, it was getting pretty damn close, so keep on calling! Mentioned again that Probation would like to hear from her.

I figured it would take her a few minutes to get the balls to call Probation, so I called back and updated P.O. She was 100% enthusiastic, and said she’d hold off on going after her. Ten minutes later, DD2 called again. She’d spoken with Probation, and if she gets to go into treatment today, we are to pick her up at motel, take her to Probation for a quick face2face, and then drop her at Roque Center.

If she gets the green light to go in today, we will call her from motel lot and have her come out to car. I’m not dealing with Boyfriend while he’s not 100% cognizant of reality. We’ll zip over to Probation, and then to treatment center. From there, she’s on her own to do the hard work.

I don’t know if she’s trying to get a 90 day pajama party out of this (again), or if she’s serious. I’m just doing what I perceive to be the next right thing – if she gets this opportunity, I am providing the requested bag of clothing and a ride to the treatment program and letting go of the outcome. I’ll try to post something later tonight, if I have any news….

Happy Thursday to us all! It’s almost The Weekend!!

:)

Input needed, please?

2010-02-17T07:53:00.001-08:00

Edit added at bottom at 12:30pm my time....

She called last night at 11 PM several times, and her sister answered it, thinking something was wrong. She was asking for us to pick her up from a questionable area of Santa Ana. Seems Le Boyfriend had ditched her for a bit - was scaring her with some crazy behavior (he's not pretty on speed). I glanced at the local thermometer symbol on my computer (61 degrees and forcast to only drop to the 40s) and said "no." Suggested she call friends in program, or even friends out of program, for a ride and a couch. DH said the same thing. She hung up mad but not ugly about it.

This morning at 7:30, she called me. She had called everywhere on the list, to get a bed in a treatment facility. It's a process that can take a week or two, at best. She has to go to an intake interview for one, she has to do a phone interview for another. The rest she only has to call.

In the meantime, she wanted to stay with us while she got up every day and phoned. She says she hasn't used since Saturday. And that she's "so over this." And willing to leave the Boyfriend behind. He's back with her, and still using. And she said she understands they should not be together; it is a toxic relationship at this point.

I again suggested that she call friends to couch surf until she can get into a place. She mentioned perhaps getting a hotel room today but her money is running out. The shelters here are filled to capacity and the line ups start at 2:30 pm and they are full long before bedtime. She said her friends in program are over her because she's done this so many times. She swears she has no where to go.

I told her that my answer was "no". That I did not think this was healthy for her or us. That her Dad has been sick for four days, coincidentally, starting right when she didn't come back after the first night away with Boyfriend. I said I would ask him when he got home from work and let her know; and that once again, I would not stand in his way.

I don't think this is a good idea. She has lost her job. She would sit here all day. She would make the calls each day and then wait. In the meantime, we would be trying to do our jobs, our chores, our lives, and hoping she doesn't get desparate, steal something and leave?

But she'd be alive and not using, hopefully?

I need the ESH from our little community here. Am I thinking clearly?

My heart thinks it probably should listen to my brain. My brain says, "get out of her way." My heart is afraid that she will then give up and because everyone has rejected her, continue to use or worse, possibly overdose. (She has threatened suicide in the past, resulting in two 5150 admissions to the psych hospital.)

And of course, there is the memory of the lovely incident 15 months ago where she came over here in a drug-fueled rage and walked through the plate glass living room window to get into the house.

Your thoughts? (Thanks in advance for any comments!)

DH called her and told her "no." In keeping with his emotional stage in this right now (angry), he mentioned to her that we've tried having her here (several times) and this time she didn't even make it "two f#%king weeks!" (My emotional stage was "angry/scared" yesterday and "heartbroken/scared" today! I'm thinking it may be a good thing that we're not on the same emotional page!)

He asked her what her plans were, and for now they are going to live in the truck and continue calling for beds. After the conversation which ended with them both telling each other that they loved each other no matter what, he came to me and told me if I wanted to put her in a sober home to continue the calling process, if she is not arrested, or if Boyfriend gets a bed first, that he would not object to that.

So for now, the answer to staying here is "no, pretty much forever", and the answer to possibly assisting with housing until she's in treatment is "no, not yet". She is unaware of the possibility of assistance with housing - she had not even asked for it. That was one of my suggestions and he remains open to that in the future, as a possibility. We are both relatively comfortable not offering that, or giving it if asked, just yet.

Thanks for any past and future comments on this post - I am still interested in all feedback as it will assist us in clarity of thinking as this situation unfolds!

Back to work for me!

Yep, that's Duck Poop

2010-02-16T15:44:00.000-08:00

She called this afternoon to ask if I had talked with Le Boyfriend's mom. I said "yes!" I said, "I'm sorry honey, but I had to do a reality check. Finding out that you lied about spending the night with them last night, answered a lot of questions." She said, "yeah, I know."

She asked if she could come home. I asked if she could test clean. She said she could not. I said that I did not feel she should come home.

I asked if she could go to Probation for help (if you come in "dirty" asking for help, they are more likely not to bust you, but work with you for a program?). She said she'd be given the same list she already had in her purse, of places to call each morning at 7 AM, hoping to locate an open bed. She wanted to come home to stay til she got a bed. She asked if Dad would let her do that.

He was asleep when she called (after worrying about her most of the night) and so I suggested she use what was left of her paycheck to do that from a sober home. I also told her that I would ask him when he got up, and not stand in his way if he wanted to consider that option.

I told her I loved her. That I'd gladly, if I could, flip a switch and take that addiction from her if I knew she would NEVER want it again, would even be repulsed by any drug out there. But that I haven't got a magic switch and no matter how much I love her, I can't do it. Only SHE can do it.

I told her I believed in her. That I know she CAN do it. That I've SEEN her do it. And that I hoped she would keep in touch with us and let us know where she landed, if she got into a detox, or a program, and that if she was doing the work and allowed visitors, I'd certainly cheer, come and visit and hug, etc. But that I can't do this for her.

While I think separating from the boyfriend would be extremely helpful, I suggested if they could not do that, perhaps they consider trying to get into the detox at Staunton or one like it, together (coed). Any detox is better than no detox.

I reiterated to her how much she is Loved. Treasured. Wanted. Prayed for. Hoped for. And again, LOVED. She said she loved us and that she would let us know what was going on. She was crying.

DH got up from his nap and I filled him in.... he has decided she is not coming home. I will pack up her stuff from the living room tomorrow and get it out of sight in the garage.... My oldest daughter has GOT to focus during this most difficult semester (one midterm is this Thursday), and hopefully a more normal landscape and two parents who appear in control of themselves, will help her. We simply can't all go down in flames at once.

When I talk with her next, I will remind her there are beds at the Salvation Army right now. That information escaped my feeble mind while I actually had her on the phone. And once again, I'll remind her that she is loved.

Thank you for your prayers and comments!

Quack, Quack.....

2010-02-16T08:51:00.000-08:00

She left rather unexpectedly Friday night, to "spend the night with Le Boyfrind at a hotel." She made it sound like this was "for Valentine's day" and for one night only. She also had alluded to some changes that had taken place at Boyfriend's house, as far as the boys staying there, etc.

I mentioned I wasn't sure that was a healthy idea, but that it was up to her.

The next day, she texted her sister that they had gotten the room for another day.

Then on Sunday, she texted her sister the same message.

Monday evening, she sent the same message, only said she was staying at his family's home.

She answered Le Boyfriend's phone this morning and this time confirmed that she had stayed at his family's home last night.

Only problem? I spoke with his mother. Both of us know our addicts are lying. (Now there's a surprise!?) His mom says they (she and her DH) are done. If Le Boyfriend is using, he's on his own, kicked out, no support. She, too, is tired of this rollercoaster wrecking her life and her health. She is diabetic, like me, and this wreaks havoc on our blood sugars.

We're probably on the same page ("if she's using, she's out of here"). I can't say that for sure, as my husband is at work and unaware of this morning's conversation with the other brokenhearted mom. He has been so sad the last couple days. It was his wish to bring her home from jail and "send a message about how much she is loved and wanted". Only, once again, she's "not done."

I'm numb, calm, and oddly, more concerned about my husband and oldest daughter than anything. DD1 has GOT to keep it together this semester. That means, we have to keep it together in front of her. She does fine until she sees us disintegrate. I've been sitting here watching my husband worry himself into being ill again. He brought home half a dozen roses for each girl and a dozen for me Saturday and was talking about how nice it was to have all his girls with him for Valentine's day.

And now he opens that door each morning, and there her roses are, with the card he painstakingly chose, never seen by her, beside her empty bed. He wants so badly to believe that everything is okay.

The focus remains to take care of myself, my husband, and encourage DD1 to do the same. I will continue to pray for DD2, that she will come to her senses and find the guts to go to a detox, or that she will be arrested! By her own admission, that is the only way she has been able to stop using in the past.

Back to work for me!

Another one....

2010-02-14T23:30:00.000-08:00

Make room in the circle and pull up a chair for another one of us.... I think she has just put up her first post.

http://heartsbrokenmomdrugaddict.blogspot.com/2010/02/what-happened.html

I would appreciate extra prayers and good thoughts for my daughter ... We are seeing some questionable, disturbing behavior. I do not wish to jump to any conclusions, though DH and I have been eyeing each other every so often and saying "quack" under our breath.

As in, "if it walks like a duck, talks like a duck...." Time will tell. In the meaning, I'm getting some much needed rest because I'm not even sure the last paragraph is coherent!

Anyway, just wanted to mention Kelli's blog (linked above). G'nite!

I'm Late to Lou's Happy Picture Party

2010-02-12T06:31:00.000-08:00

Here's a few pictures that make me smile! Well, not a few. A lot. This is a LONG and picture-heavy post and I hope it gives you ALL a smile or two, this weekend!!

DH & friends

DH, reading one of his 4,592 newspapers/political magazines, and relaxing with his two biggest rescued dogs, Max (the Wuss) on the left and Tiger (95% pitbull) on the right.

Max was not wanted by his previous owners and evidently deliberately released with no identification. I say that, because he was found by DH, in a big intersection. We put up signs etc... and he escaped from our yard once, only to be found by my oldest daughter coming home from work.... She called and said "Mom, can you open the back gate and put away the other dogs?" *Sigh.*

The owners contacted us, came to pick him up and then mentioned they were going to take him to the pound! They were an odd pair. DH and I said if that was the only option, we'd take him and try to find him a home. DH was going through his mother's death from cancer at the time and bonded with Max and kept saying "but we found him twice, it's meant to be!" He really wanted to keep him. I didn't have the heart to say "no" at such an emotionally bad time for DH..... *Sigh.*

I am terrified of big dogs.... What was I thinking?! (and the group said, "clearly, you were not!")

Max is huge, loud and afraid of small things that beep. When he hears a beep, he has been known to jump out of second story windows to get away from it. Luckily, both times he did that, he was not injured. All sliding windows upstairs now have dowels in them and unless the dowels are removed, can only open 4 inches. Max is very old now and he and I coexist quite peacefully.

Tiger (named for her beautiful brindle color) was found by DD2 on her way to work 10 years ago... right before the addiction madness began. DD2 stopped her car and this dog jumped right in! Despite great efforts, her owners were never found. I call her my studio cat because she likes to lie on my left foot upstairs when I am sewing.

Tiger testing some quilt "string blocks" for softness!

And then she switches sides to give me her woebegone "where-is-your-oldest-daughter" look.

She "rooms" with my oldest (DD1) and is fairly inconsolable when DD1 is away at class, work, etc. She is a love. However, she does not love Sadie, and that is when the "pitbull" surfaces. Therefore, these two ladies are kept apart with well-timed room changes. We call it the Changing of the Guard.

Sadie

This is DD2's dog, Sadie. She was given Sadie by a friend who raise Shiba Inus and gives them to people in recovery. She brought her home from an NA meeting five (?, I think) years ago, a ten week old bundle of energy and fur and cuteness, and she's lived with us ever since. When DD2 is living at home, she and Sadie are inseparable.

"Kimi"

Jerry, a.k.a. TuffBoy

The "Little People". That's our nickname for Jerry (a.k.a. Tuffboy) and Kimi (a.k.a. Kimiko, a.k.a. Gucci). DH found Jerry on the side of a four lane divided road in a desert area, creeping along terrified at sundown, no collar, no one in sight. (If I could keep my DH off the road, I might be able to better control the Dog Population around here!)

DH called me to tell me to "put away the other dogs and bring out some food and water to the front porch" on his way home. We already had four dogs and I turned the air blue trying to convince him to take this dog to the pound on the way home. I had a feeling I was getting nowhere, and asked in desparation, how BIG is it? DH mentioned the dog took up the whole back seat.

I went nuclear, and hung up, but got out the food and water (huge bowls) and was grudgingly glad this poor dog was not in the middle of the highway getting killed. I stood on the front porch with enough food/water to feed Max, the 100 pound Wuss.... and DH pulled up and got out and started walking up the drive. I thought he forgot the dog.

Until he pulled all 7 pounds of him out of the front of his jacket. I looked at DH admiringly and said, "You're getting sneaky in your old age!" The little dog crawled into my arms (heart!) and hasn't left. He was underweight, hungry, dirty, and scared. He has a long neck and was so underweight I called him Jerry the Giraffe once, and the name Jerry stuck. We call him TuffBoy because he's so obviously NOT.

Kimi is a chihuahua that was born across the street. A neighbor was going to take the litter to the pound, and we took one look at her (the runt) and said "Jerry needs a wife!" The neighbor had briefly called her "Gucci" but my oldest (speaks Japanese fairly fluently) named her Kimiko (meaning "ancient history child"). The Little People were introduced one evening, and put into Jerry's sleeping crate for the night with a metal divider.... They slept pressed up against the divider trying to get as close to each other as possible. The divider was removed after that, and this is how they sleep now.

Sigh. Cuteness!

Kimi likes to bury herself under towels and then Jerry glues himself to her. Remember how "cute" they are....

Yep, still cute, facing off out in the yard. This is the instant before their daily mad dash which will last ten minutes and result in us laughing hysterically and the dogs getting tired enough to sleep for hours.

The aforementioned Mad Dash, racing around with "Auntie" Sadie in the yard. Click to embiggen pic - this is one of my favorite shots.

Trying to "help" DH get through his 4,592 papers. Maybe not so cute...

Helping with the gardening efforts...

Under house arrest....

For destroying my baby lettuce!

But my biggest smiles come from my girls, DD1 and DD2! Pix of them have been deleted now.... i'm still trying to keep the blog a bit anonymous.

I love my family!

I am praying that all of us in Bloggerland have a peaceful, restful weekend!

One Week Later....

2010-02-11T12:28:00.001-08:00

She’s been out since 2:18 AM, last Wednesday. She’s here. Le Boyfriend got out the very next night, by way of an interesting turn of events and application of time served and time spent in previous court ordered rehab… resulting in a completed sentence and he was released at midnight. No one had any idea that was coming. Apparently they are really trying to reduce population inside.

She’s working. She returned to work the first day her boss would let her, which was this past Monday. She’s riding the bus 1 hour and 15 minutes (if all goes well) each way. She’s going to meetings (the ones probation ordered, and then a few extra beyond that). She’s already contacted and is enrolling in an outpatient six-month treatment program (probation ordered). She’s made an appointment to see county mental health for medication (probation ordered). Hopefully, that means the county will not blow her off like they did last time. She’s already been to see her mentor, Milton, at a meeting, and she said they had a good talk.

She’s seen Le Boyfriend, once for dinner and once before and during a meeting (the dinner was a direct violation of the no-contact order) and she is talking to him on the phone (also a violation). Her business. She’s a big girl and I’m not going to try to direct her affairs. If I were to say she couldn’t see him, then she’d just see him without telling me. I will not be her policeman. If she is violated and sent back in for the rest of her sentence….. oh well!

She’s already asked to stay with us longer than the agreed upon two weeks. Her dad said if it were up to him, she could stay. I have made it clear that I don’t think this is the best option. I have also said I will support whatever he and she work out.

I also said that this is subject to frequent re-evaluation on both our parts and if this is not working for her, or this is not working for me/us, then she will be expected to find another place. She’s paying a nominal amount of rent, as her sister does. We pretty much pump that money back into the increased power bill, hot water bill, and use it on bulk food runs to Costco or Sams for veggie burgers and fresh vegetables and fruits. Both daughters are packing lunches daily and cooking for themselves at night. With everyone’s varied schedule, family dinners just don’t happen. But there are a lot of impromptu and laughter-filled conversations taking place in the kitchen as we pass each other. I will admit to soaking up the good moments like a sponge this past week and savoring them.

DD1 is tackling her hardest semester in her paralegal certification program, so the timing is not the best, as she writes 30 page papers, etc, but the sisters are still carving out moments here and there to talk, prepare food, and run to Target for the occasional quick shopping.

DD2 is pretty much on her best behavior. She is handling the occasional static around here in fairly mature fashion. I won’t go into details, but the family dynamics are sometimes challenging here, and she’s remained pretty level-headed, despite one blatantly goading, protracted conversation thread with dear old Dad.

We joke about our family sometimes, stating “we put the fun in dysfunctional.” We know all families have some dysfunction in them somewhere. At times ours is glaringly apparent. But we still love each other deeply. Warts, dysfunction, and all.

I read something on another blog, and for the life of me can’t remember where, but I put it on our fridge: “We may not have it all together; but together, we have it all.” Every other member of the household commented on how true that was for us.

I’m letting her do this, herself. She asked me to call mental health today; I suggested she call on her lunch hour tomorrow.

She asked me to get her up in the morning, and since she was dealing with an old alarm not used in several years, I backed her up the first morning. I got up at 4 AM, made sure she was sitting up and looking right at me, advised her that the coffee pot was on, and told her I would not be back upstairs to check on her, as I was going back to bed. I asked her to get me up at 5:30 if she wanted that ride to the bus stop.

I’ll admit I lay awake listening, but I did not go back and get her up again and haven’t gotten her up since. I went back to sleep when the shower started. She woke me promptly at 5:30 and I got her to the bus stop. One of us picks her up there again at night, when she gets in around 7:15. She tends to come in and fix a healthy dinner and then goes online for a few minutes…. And then goes to bed. 4:00 AM comes pretty darn early! She mentioned she may be assigned a later start time in the morning, which would help her a lot.

I heard rumors she might go to an NA convention in San Diego with her old sponsor this weekend. I heard rumors she might spend the night with some of her old girlfriends who have five years clean. I’ve heard that Le Boyfriend wants to take her snowboarding for the day Saturday, out to dinner, to a meeting with Milton’s group, and then to church with his family the next morning. Then again, she has remarked she may sleep right through the whole weekend! Whatever she chooses, it's her business.

I’m personally working hard on my own business this week, because I’m going to two different quilting activities and having some fun with my quilting buddies this weekend! No one who values their head better come betwixt me and my quilt bee this weekend. :)

All in all, we’re holding on, holding each other, holding to our hope, and holding to as many of our boundaries as we can agree on. We’re in the honeymoon period, so we are enjoying it, but we are cautiously optimistic.

Once you choose hope, anything's possible. (Christopher Reeve)

No News = Good News!

2010-02-01T13:33:00.001-08:00

I'm a lousy blogger these days. I've been buried at work (thi$ i$ a good thing!) and I'm really tired when I get it done.

DD2 is supposedly getting released any minute. They started telling her this last week. She's still there, but likely will not be there much longer. The new law about half-time kicked in. They have not just been releasing inmates at midnight in the usual fashion; they are releasing so many that they are doing it at all hours of the day and night.

Her dad still wishes to bring her here for two weeks. Not my idea, but having expressed my reservations/objections and the rationale behind them, I will not stand in his way. She will see a united front. She has two weeks here, to either get into a program (county bed) or to go back to her job (employer said he will rehire) and save a check's worth of funds to begin independently living in sober home, two weeks after release.

That's the plan, man. So be it. I'm going to try to catch up on some other folks and get some rest. We're almost dry here in SoCal.... although more rain is on the way. If I had the energy, I'd be planting more lettuce and spinach... Maybe tomorrow!

Treading water...

2010-01-21T12:28:00.000-08:00

Here in SoCal, it's pretty soggy. I'm alternately:

1. trying to persuade DH's five rescues (dogs, 9 pounds up to about 80 pounds in size) to go outside despite the fact that they might float away, and
2. watching the branch of the Santa Ana River that has appeared in my garage, running from the back of it, out the front of it... at a fairly rapid clip.

Everything else kind of remains the same. Last I heard, there was a rumor that due to budget cuts, sentences might go to half time instead of 2/3 time.... thereby releasing DD1 a bit sooner. Time will tell.

Just checking in....

(Barbara? Tall K? Mom of Opiate Addict? Chai Latte? LisaC? Stay dry and safe!)

Coasting

2010-01-14T09:18:00.000-08:00

Coasting, floating in the status quo...

That’s what I call the time when my daughter is incarcerated. I settle into a quiet sameness of the days, getting my work done for my doctors, cleaning the house a bit, spending some time sewing, punctuated by the occasional dog sitting job for extra money. I am sad these days, all the time. I may sleep better while she is safe inside, but I am sad. I keep trying to self-talk myself into snapping out of it, with varied and limited successes.

I’m still sort of heaving a sigh of relief that the Happy Holidays (which were neither) are over. I vented into a post about Christmas Day and then just got over posting it because, well, it’s over and it was very bad and I just don’t want to think about it any more. ‘Nuf said.

I visited my daughter. She probably has right at 30 days left to go. I don’t plan to visit again, since she has such a short time left.

Today, the Boyfriend is in court to find out if he goes to prison or back into a program. I have my fingers crossed for a program but I’m praying that what is best for him is what the judge will decree.

We (DH and I) went over to his parents’ house last Saturday. For once, when things headed south in the proverbial hand-basket, I was not on Clean Up Duty. (You know, the crew that goes in and packs up everything and cleans up and drags stuff home to the garage and holds it until the addict is out of jail/rehab/whatever and ready to pick everything up and resume their life. It has always been me in the past, though I have done less and less of it, in recent years.)

His parents got the privilege this time, and went to the condo that his sponsor was letting him use. Apparently there was one spot of wall damage and a lot of blood. The blood was from my daughter cutting herself. Oddly, she ended up in the psych section as usual in jail after they saw the cuts on “intake”, but although she had been “banded” in the past as needing isolation (2-woman cell instead of 30-woman tank), she was placed in a work tank of 30 women and loves it. Makes the time go faster, she says.

A small, very mean part of me wishes she was loving it a lot less, in a 2-woman cell...... with a room mate she didn't much care for. I’m not proud of that but it’s the truth.

Boyfriend’s parents had packed all of the items they thought were hers into boxes for us. I had met them once before when they picked up DD2 from our house for a short trip to celebrate his grandma’s 80th birthday, but not for any meaningful conversation.

This time, we got to know them a little. We got a tour of their home as they proudly showed us Boyfriend’s amazing handiwork throughout the house. Beautiful tile work in the kitchen, crown molding throughout, an awesome Hawaiian-themed patio area with hand-made teak benches and stonework that housed the grill and a hot tub and edged the perimeter, a gorgeous little fountain with lighting. It wasn’t big or Hollywoodish or garish; it was simple and beautifully executed.

Their pride in their son and love for him was so evident. We stood in the driveway after stowing her stuff in our van, and talked for 45 minutes, sharing war stories. Stories of broken dreams, near death experiences, nights of questioning in the dark…..what did we do wrong? They sadly mentioned that he will probably lose his truck because they can’t afford to make the payments, and if he goes to prison for eight months, it will be repossessed. He’s already been fired by his dad from his dad’s trucking company. All he has now is his construction skills to fall back on and he will need the truck for that.

Sigh. (I know. Consequences.)

My husband had said to me once or twice before this visit that he “didn’t think he wanted to see Boyfriend anywhere around our house ever again.” I reminded him that it was quite possible that Boyfriend might have had the idea to use first….. but that no one held a gun to our daughter’s head and insisted that she do so.

And vice versa. It just as likely could have been our little ~~train wreck~~ darling that slipped and then grabbed his hand on the way down, enticing him to join her. And his family might be walking around thinking they didn’t want to see her around their house ever again.

Then I let it go. There was no use arguing with DH about it, if he didn’t want Boyfriend in our house ever again. He nursed his “mad” for a few days. I figured that I could still write to Boyfriend and encourage him and when he gets out, I could still meet him and his mom for services at the Crossing Church, etc.

Interestingly, after the little visit with his parents, my husband turned to me in the car on the way home, and said….. “If he doesn’t go to prison and he gets a program that allows him to work, let’s see if Boyfriend wants to finish the fence work we need done, and paint the fence, and maybe if he hangs in there and stays clean, let’s think about getting him to bid on the other work when we get the money saved up for it.”

Sometimes he surprises me.

(I happened to think of the bathroom floor that needs replaced upstairs, too!)

And the next day, another neighbor mentioned needing some work done and DH told her about Boyfriend…. And that he currently was a “guest of the county”…. She just laughed and said “when he gets out, tell him to call me!”

If he gets a program today, instead of prison time, I will write to him and let him know there are a few jobs waiting for him.

What will be, will be, today in court. I am praying that what is best for all concerned is what takes place. In the one phone call Boyfriend made to me, he expressed so much contrition and remorse and determination to stay clean this time, even if it means walking away from my daughter. I was SO glad to hear him say that. She has said the same…. And both are finally saying that they will have to follow probation’s orders and only see each other at meetings, or AA/NA sanctioned picnics, etc…. They both have voiced the realization that they are alcoholics and addicts…. And that even one drink is not possible for them.

I have told them both that if they learned something from this episode, then it’s a part of the Sidewalk of the Past (Thanks “Dad” for the sidewalk analogy about the past!). If they learn from it, and walk on, and do better, then it’s a lesson learned and they will reap the rewards of the learning.

At this point, my husband is in favor of letting DD2 come home for ten days, and take the bus to her job (if her boss calls and tells us that she still has it, and can start one day after getting out). I’m not in favor of her coming home for ten days.

But, it is only ten days, and if I verify she is cleared to go back to her sober home after that ten days, I will stand with him on what he wants to do. She says she wants to get a week (plus) extra salary in hand to go with the paycheck I am holding for her, before going back into the sober home and being totally self sufficient from that point on. She doesn’t want us to pay for any sober home charges (which I would prefer to do for a week, as it is safer for us, and not so much “in my face” with the drama/trauma for those days).

DH loves saving money and thinks it’s a good idea, so again, I’m going to stand on the same page with him, although I think it’s not the best of ideas.

There is a lot of sadness amongst our blogging community today. I am praying for all of us and I really hope there are some much more peaceful days ahead for us!

Never give up hope!

Happy New Year!

2010-01-03T10:46:00.000-08:00

Just checking in - I'm up to my eyeballs in packing away Christmas decorations, un-building the tree, and billing my clients for December transcription service, etc. My daughter (DD2) was seen in court again and this time, pled guilty for a 90 day sentence, of which she'll serve 45 days (15 already served waiting for court dates/plea, etc). She estimates getting out at about Valentine's Day.

Her mentor from previous rehab/program, Milton (the guy I made a quilt for, to celebrate his 20 years clean!) always asked her a question each time she got out. "What are you going to do different this time?" She has yet to come up with an answer. She gets frustrated because she is "willing" but doesn't know what to do different. And he won't tell her.

My only suggestion to her this time, is that maybe she consider getting a sponsor that is an older woman, a no-nonsense type that does not know her personally and won't be side tracked by how pretty, funny, energetic, social butterfly-ish her 27-year-old self is, and will just help her seriously work the steps. In the past she's had sponsors that were her friends, even close friends. She even took a trip to Paris with one.

I think (and its only my humble outside opinion, and really none of my business) but I think the steps should be serious undertakings with someone who is going to really help you focus, and not get side tracked with shopping for another pair of cute shoes! but hey, what do I know?

She asked me recently for my opinion, and I stated the above to her. And then I moved on to other subjects. It just isn't my business.

However, her sister asked me this time, "Mom, maybe we should be asking ourselves Milton's question: What are you going to do different this time?"

That was kind of an eye opener. Sometimes that older daughter of mine surprises me.

I'm kinda mad, sad, resigned, and hopeful this time. I'm visiting, but not as often. It really impacts me as far as my business to take the 3+ hour round trip to jail and back, and I'm writing more, visiting less. I personally feel like I should visit (again, just my opinion concerning me), but I certainly don't have to go every week, and a letter conveys love also. I'm making sure I only accept one collect call a week, now that her case is settled and she knows how long she's got.

She wrote to her boss and got her last check from her job mailed to me. I'm holding it until she gets out. If she wants to sign it over to us, we'll cash it for her. If she then uses the money for her sober home, that would be cool. If she doesn't, that's not so cool, but hey, it's her money. She has been told she cannot come here to live. That's not making her happy. Her boss told me to tell her to get in touch with him. He's a recovering addict (did 20 years in prison) and now has his own company and a lot of clean time - and he gave me the impression she could work there again. Even if she can't, she cannot come here to live.

Interestingly, all her sober friends say that we're doing the right thing by again not letting her come home.

Boyfriend got 3 years probation extension and also an extension on some sort of drug penal code thing I'm not familiar with. She seems to think that he will stay in jail until a bed is open at a court-ordered rehab? I honestly don't know. I wrote to him yesterday, so maybe will hear soon. I really hope he's able to get back on his feet - he was doing really really well before this.

She thinks she has isolated their mistake.... says they were fine until they took that a drink. Sat there staring at the liquor store asking each other if they could just have A Drink. They're okay with just ONE drink, right?

One drink led to her slamming speed and adding in methadone..... One drink led to Boyfriend crawling around in the attic looking for another guy he thought she had hidden there. Led to the narcotics agents coming to his place (sent by their respective probation officers) and ultimately, led to him having a "resisting arrest" charge in addition to "under the influence".

Seems that since they didn't answer the door, the narcs sent for a fire truck so they could climb in and get them if necessary. (They didn't answer the door, but left a window open and apparently could be heard inside..... brilliant!) So they answered the door and turned themselves in, but the "resisting" charge was added because of that. That charge was dropped later.

I think that for the moment, she understands that she is an alcoholic/addict. Problem is, she's understood that before. Later, she thinks she's not.

As one of you wise folks said, she just keeps opening the door to That Room and going in, thinking she's not going to get beat to a pulp and left to crawl out, vowing never to return. At least until the next time she wants to open the door to That Room. Sooner or later, I guess she'll equate drunk=pain, just like high=pain. Long term, incarcerated pain.

I'll catch up with you all as soon as I finish billing my clients so I can eat next month!

Happy New Year to us all! I sincerely wish each of us a year filled with learning, wisdom shared, acceptance, personal growth and serenity.

(And I am crossing my fingers for more time in my quilting studio!)

Season's Greetings to all!

2009-12-24T08:59:00.000-08:00

Hey everyone, this brokenhearted mom visited my blog today - please take a moment to "welcome" her to our blogging community and show some support!! We all know how much it can mean!

http://letgohangon.blogspot.com/

(hoping the linkie works!)

To those who celebrate it, a blessed and Merry Christmas to you!!! To those who do not, Happy Holidays!! I wish each and every one of you dear people many moments of peace, and joy, and a sense of realization of our many blessings, over the next few days. Thanks for sharing your lives with me!

The Wait

2009-12-22T09:30:00.000-08:00

Court websites show my daughter and the boyfriend each pled "not guilty" yesterday. It's a process I do not understand, but apparently they are given an offer (example: 2 years digging ditches) in exchange for a guilty plea, and avoidance of a trial. They don't like the offer? They plead "not guilty" and everyone goes back to their respective corners to hang around and think a bit. I'm sure it's more involved and serious than that, but I don't understand it, and it makes no sense that they can plead not guilty considering their condition when brought in for violating probation. Wouldn't a simple drug test have solved that beyond the shadow of a doubt?

Normally it's a bit of time before they meet in the center of the ring again. Then they get a slightly better offer and the opportunity to plead guilty or not guilty again. Last night, the website showed she would be in court again on 12-31, he would be there again 12-23. They call it pre-trial, but it translates to "next better offer opportunity".

This morning, for some inexplicable reason, the web site shows they are both in superior court, different court rooms. I guess "next better offer" came sooner than they thought.

The last I heard from her was Sunday night, in which she told me if going to prison meant a shorter time away, she was going to prison. She has no idea what prison is really like. She thinks it has carpeted two person cells, classes to take, television and an exercise area. She has no idea that short-term inmates never get out of the A-yard, a pit that is filthy, crowded, and where if you don't know the rules and how to survive, you can easily miss getting fed for several days, you can get hurt badly, and you can't make calls, have money posted to your books etc, for up to eight weeks.

She also mentioned several times that "they were so close to having everything they wanted, a life together, etc" and that "she should just be dead, and she wished she was dead, it would be easier on everyone." I have no idea if the death wishes are genuine or attention-seeking.

I tried to remain calm on the phone. I only really got emotional once, when I told her I really didn't want to lose her. Other than that, I tried to encourage her to marshall all the stubbornness and drive and determination I know she has, that we've seen in her all her life, that made us nick-name her Spunky, and use it to get to the life she wanted.

I told her finally, "until you want sobriety even more than I as your mother want it for you, and until you want sobriety for yourself MORE than you want Boyfriend in your life..... it's probably not going to work." I tried to explain to her again, that until they are each WHOLE persons, healthy and able to stand on their own two feet, they don't stand a chance at succeeding together.

Until she is sober and wants a sober, healthy, honorable life more than she wants to be with anyone ELSE, she's not ready to be with any one else.

I told her I adore her boyfriend. I think they have something special. But I think they went for it all too soon, before they were strong enough to be together. She seemed to understand what I was trying to convey.

I only said those things AFTER she asked for my opinion, and I told her that ultimately, it's ALL UP TO HER. My opinion doesn't mean anything. It's her opinion, her goals, her desires for her own life that matter.

All I can do is wait, pray and love her from out here.

The next visiting day is Christmas. My husband is flatly refusing to go, ever, as usual, even if she's going to be transferred to a prison and even though he only works part-time and has more free time than anyone in this house. My oldest daughter has said she will visit "some" but she doesn't have it in her to go every week this time. I understand that from her, as she has school, a nanny job, and enough homework to choke a horse... I'm not going to concern myself with his decision, just my own. I think I will go, but likely not every week. I'm working way more than full time and I'm tired. Going Christmas day will kill me. Staying at home will kill me too.

I am so tired. I'm so grateful she's alive. But I am having a hard time digging up my "hope" today.

"One day at a time", is best done "an hour at a time" today. I am setting a timer and focusing on work for an hour and then taking a few minutes break to take out dogs, watch them cavort in the backyard, cry, stomp my foot, and then it's back to the timer for another hour of work! Works for me! :)

That was fast....

2009-12-17T13:55:00.000-08:00

“The sword of justice is swift and sharp….”

That’s a phrase that came to mind just now as I hung up from the collect call from my daughter.

Yep. They got both of them, at Boyfriend’s place.

Both probation officers, hers and his (who are friends and well acquainted with each of the cases) apparently showed up and arrested my daughter and her boyfriend for two violations: being together and under the influence. (She had lost the right to be with her boyfriend when they tested dirty at Thanksgiving, and they were back to only being able to see each other at meetings, which they were not obeying.)

Seems she missed her appointment with her officer this past Tuesday. Seems the officer found out she was not at the sober home.

Seems like she gets a nice chance to be safe, and do some thinking. From what she said, she will be in court Friday or Monday and she’ll find out then what is going to happen to her as far as additional jail time, discharge to a program, whatever.

I’m soooooo grateful.

Edited after subsequent phone call from her probation officer: I received a call and was told that she had been arrested. Further, her officer shared that "the narcotics agents who brought them in said it was very very bad." These were seasoned officers and they told her probation officer that they did not think the two of them had another weekend in them. They were that close to killing themselves with the amounts/kinds of things that were found there at the scene.

This may have saved both their lives. I honestly hope they keep them a good long while so some lessons sink in. I am so grateful to these police officers and probation officers!!

She's not done....

2009-12-16T22:43:00.000-08:00

DD1 and I went out shopping tonight, to one of our favorite places: Ikea. (I’ve always said Ikea stands for I Kan Even Afford it.) We were big spenders (not!). I got a bunch of pot holders for 50 cents apiece, and dish towels for 49 cents. I even splurged and got extras to give my “adopted” son and his significant other (who also is DD1’s BFF). We wandered around in the store for almost two hours.

It’s fun to dream about how we will furnish our “someday” houses, DD1 when she moves out on her own after finishing her second degree, and me when I get to that retirement home/farmette in the mountains. It helped to take our mind off DD2 for a few hours.

We left there and grabbed some huge steaming bowls of ramen noodles and various add-ons at a little Japanese place nearby. That put us within a few blocks of DD2’s sober home.

So DD1 and I stopped by to “give her a hug and say hi.” Or that was the excuse we used, anyway. To be honest, we were simply being nosy. I wanted to know if she was living there, and if she even remotely appeared to be okay.

She was not there. She hasn’t been there since the time the rent was paid for this week, last Friday night. The girls at the home said they think she is staying with the boyfriend. Apparently her stuff is safe there, and she can come back, but I think she has to test clean to do so. I’m not sure. There were more details than I could take in, really. The reality is, she’s “out there”, and she’s “not done.”

The girls at the house voiced so much concern. It was really kind of sweet. They said they miss her and love her and wish she’d come back. They said they were “sorry I had to find out like this.” I assured them I was 98% sure what was going on, days ago. I could “hear it” in her voice.

One of the girls cried and that made me sad too. She said she has a hard time seeing the pain that other moms go through because it shows her what she did to her mom. I tried to encourage her, and actually all of them – and I reminded them I pray for everyone in the house every single day… More hugs and I was out the door and gone. It was only five quick minutes, but it confirmed what we’ve feared for days.

It hit my DH really hard. I think he’d been hoping it was all a misunderstanding, that we were interpreting things incorrectly.

DD1, my oldest daughter, seems okay. Resigned, sad, but okay. She did ask at one point, almost in a ‘thinking out loud’ manner, “Are we going to have another sad Christmas this year, like last year?” I knew exactly what she meant.

Last year, we waited around all day for DD2 to show up. She kept calling and stating she was sick but would be there soon. I told her to just rest and we'd see her another time - I'm not stupid. I knew that "sick" meant "dopesick" and "being there soon" meant "being there after she got her next fix." By the time she did arrive at 6 pm, her dad had already gotten depressed and gone to bed (he got up briefly) and DD1 had gone to her best friend’s house to get away from it all.

DD2 showed up with a using buddy, opened her few presents (we had given her a few inexpensive shirts and some socks, that sort of thing.... we didn’t want to give her any sort of gift she could have sold for drugs), watched while her friend ate some left overs that I offered both of them, and then she hugged us, and left. She was so, so loaded. I was so upset and emotionally exhausted from the whole mess that I also went straight to bed after she left.

Nope, this year will not be like that!

The three of us have vowed that if DD2 is sober enough to chose to join us, she is welcome. She only needs to let us know that she'd like to join in.

But regardless, we three who remain in this house will go to the candlelight service at church that my husband loves so much. We will relax, watch movies, eat way too many snacks and enjoy each other’s company. We will open gifts on Christmas morning and enjoy seeing the delight each of us derives from both the giving and the receiving. In the afternoon, a big group of DD1’s friends are going to see the new movie Sherlock Holmes and then spend the evening together playing board games and hanging out, etc. When she leaves to go join her friends, DH and I will settle down for an afternoon and evening of relaxation. (He gave me a list of movies he was interested in adding to his collection, and I got several of them for him for Christmas, so we will have things to watch and we will enjoy the time.)

Will it be the Christmas I had hoped for? No. But we will make it the best one we can! And we will continue to pray for our daughter and to HOPE.

It's all we can do. We've tried everything else we could possibly do, in the last decade. This is all we have left. Love, prayer and hope.

Cookie hints for any who are interested...

2009-12-15T17:59:00.001-08:00

(Sidney asked how these are done...) The technique on the cookies which appear painted is a bit like what you will see here:

http://www.goodhousekeeping.com/food/cooking/cookie-decorating-tips-dec02

http://www.kitchengifts.com/marbleeggs.html

(not sure that I can get a link to work tonight....Sigh.)

Okay, in a nutshell, these are FUN. Bake your favorite cut-out sugar cookie in plain simple shapes like circle, star, bell, etc.

Make a batch of regular old generic royal icing, but, after it is properly made, dilute the batch with a tiny bit (teaspoon?) of water. Royal icing has to be able to hold a peak to be properly made, but then I dilute with that one teaspoon of water and it is a bit more runny.....

It flattens when laid on a cookie. It becomes a smooth, white base.

I get icing in colors from a craft store or Wilton store, etc, that are in squeeze tubes. (If you are really a glutton for punishment, dye a bit of the royal icing with strong food coloring, and put in a decorating bag with a tiny hole tip.... but I usually am lazy and buy the squeeze colors.)

(DD1 getting fancy!)

Ice ONE cookie, and only one cookie, at a time with the royal icing. (They get hard fast and you need it to be wet)

Click on picture - hopefully my drawings will give you an idea of what I'm talking about with the direction of the toothpicks!

Immediately pipe onto the cookie some colored lines or dots. For Example, for a round cookie, start with icing a small red circular line in the middle of the cookie, come out about 1/4-1/2 inch and place another circle, etc. Then take a clean toothpick, start in center and gently pull it through the icing to the edge of the cookie. WIPE IT OFF. Repeat in another location, like spokes on a wheel.

If you go out to the edge with one swipe and in to the center with the next, you get a more swirled look.

Pulling the toothpick through a dot creates a heart. Pulling the toothpick through a short straight line creates a pair of teardrops or leaves.

If you put a series of red dots on the white icing, in the shape of a candycane, and then take the toothpick and travel around the imaginary edge of the candycane, grazing the red dots all the way around - you get a gorgeous candycane that is swirled in the traditional way.

It's addictive, in a good way. We make these cookies every year, for the sheer fun of dragging the toothpicks through the colors and making new designs!