Wednesday, June 11, 2014

The hurdles just keep popping up..... but so do the blessings!

I was staring out the kitchen window while washing a few baby bottles and muttered to my husband, "this never ends."  We keep telling ourselves that it will be better after….

After Baby M is a little older and sleeps the night and can sit on his own and play a little bit so I can fix a meal…to completion!!  J

After the next inspection is over for the continuing Home Study in the adoption process.

After the kitchen counters are in, and we clean up from that mess….

After my daughter gets into treatment.

After we move to Tennessee.....  (delayed, delayed, delayed....)

After Baby M has his MRI under general anesthesia, with and without gadolinium dye… oh yeah, that's a big one.  A bit of perceived left sided weakness that we dutifully mentioned to his pediatrician has morphed into Neurologist demanding  to rule out his having had a little stroke….  If he did have one, I guess it would direct future treatment both in physical therapy and blood tests for clotting factors, but if he did not (I'll vote for that option, thank you!), then we can relax….

But there is always something.  Every time I turn around, the cosmos has placed another hurdle in front of us.  And we jump as necessary to keep on keeping on!  To me, that is life.  I get very very discouraged, even depressed, sometimes.  But we keep on trudging.  Maybe that is the difference between my precious addict and myself.  I keep bouncing back up for life to take another swing at me…..she retreats into the needle.  Not tooting my horn, doesn't make me better than her.  I retreat to the refrigerator or the pantry!  I just wonder if that is what is happening with my girl.  Something else, another hurdle, pops up in front of her and she just can't gather the strength/will to try to jump forward? 

And there are so many hurdles for her.  Sobriety is the biggest, but there are so many previous falls with ever present consequences, both financial and otherwise.  I don't know how she/husband will ever dig out, when I let myself focus on the hole she/he has dug for themselves.

And then, we got the call at 1 AM yesterday morning, from our girl.  In jail again.  Her husband has been in jail for about 100 days, with five months to go….  She's been on her own, couch surfing while she used, used, used.  She was court ordered into outpatient treatment (a joke), and has not done so, choosing instead to call inpatient programs to try to get in.  Only we can see thru that ruse without our spectacles…..  in five months, not one facility in Orange County has had a county bed?  Might have bought that a little longer, except a friend of hers just got into a fine facility on a county free bed, in two weeks.  Ahem.

She had been visiting us/her son.  Two, maybe three times a week.  (We are court ordered to permit this at least once a week.)  She gets depressed because her baby does not recognize her and then retreats to the bathroom for long periods of time, following which she is nodding off until her ride picks her up.

There are two reasonably happy grandparents in this house.  Arrested?  Hopefully not for possession of drugs.  If it is possession, they will bounce her out by midnight tomorrow night, to again try to get herself in outpatient treatment.  Yeah, still a joke.  But if, IF it is sales of drugs, or receiving stolen property, etc….  she may be in long enough to actually get clean, regain some mental clarity, etc.

My oldest daughter commented wistfully day before yesterday, "it was such a nice visit we had with her today…  until she went to the bathroom and used!"  The oldest made this comment after we dropped our little addict off at Home Depot.  That's how she supports herself, apparently.  There is a huge ring of persons who steal stuff, and then relatively innocent looking girls return the merchandise for store credit cards…..  they then sell the cards for 75% of value, pay the person who stole the stuff in the first place, and pocket the remainder.  This is one way she pays her storage unit bill, how she buys her heroin, and the 4592 articles of new clothing she brings over to launder every so often.  She had on one visit 27 black tank tops.  Seriously?

In the meantime, the bright spot in our lives remains the Grand Son.  He will be our son, very soon, in addition to being our grandson.  I have learned much recently from various groups I have joined online, and research I have been doing (once I'm awake at 2 AM for a bottle, my brain won't turn off again sometimes and I end up researching things like grandparents raising grandchildren online).  Did you know there are 10 million of us in this country?!
Again too tired to proof, but will post this and go hug Baby M and soak up his beautiful smile! 

Still praying for all our families and loved ones fighting this disease....