Thursday, February 23, 2012

Lost my gauge.....

Was checking a few blogs in between batches of work just now and read Lou's post:

http://whatdoesntkillyamakesyastonger.blogspot.com/2012/02/im-listening-as-hard-as-i-can.html

I used to remember how to make a shortened link.... I have clean forgotten!

Anyway, a comment she made really struck me...

"Trying to discern what is unsaid. Trying to gauge the truth."

I get it, Lou. We've gone from seeing L every day, to phone calls once or twice a week (and the random loving or funny text).  If I call her with an honest question (not a contrived excuse to call), and she doesn't answer or call me back, my brain almost fries on the spot. Called her about a quilt she wanted repaired Tuesday night... she texted me the next morning that she was sick and had gone to bed the night before at 7 pm. You can imagine where my head took "sick" etc.

I have lost the "gauge" I really had no right to have... She would saunter past my sewing loft with a soft "Hi Mommy" on the way out to smoke, and I could gauge whether work was good/frantic, LeBoyfriend was making her smile/frown, she was feeling picked upon by Cranky Dad, boss lady was loving her, etc. Two words and I knew how my .....er, I mean HER world was. Yes, the codependent irony there is not lost on me.

I too, will likely never completely take the words at face value. LeBoyfriend came by today to pick up some things of hers, and to verbally contract with us for a March flooring job in her old bedroom as we continue efforts to get ready to sell/move in two years.... I handed him some Airborne/cough lozenges she had asked about, and he said "Oh that will help! She's got another good cold going, coughing all night! Thank you!" Yes, I know they can get their own cough/cold items, but I chose to help because this was a short month pay days wise, with many start-up expenses in their new place.  I had scored both items with double coupons and had more in the pantry. 


I am chagrinned to tell you how relieved I was to hear she was genuinely sick.... She's going on two years clean in April and I still hear (dope)sick.

We're getting better at this every day, all of us.... but it's definitely 'progress, not perfection'!!