Monday, May 7, 2012

I still need work!! :)

Things are fine here, despite a glitch around my birthday.  But the glitch turned out to be a huge reminder to me to NOT think the worst, and to continue to be grateful and hopeful.

We had planned a dinner at our home and invited my youngest and LeBoyfriend - everything was confirmed, and I had prepared a fair amount of food so they could take home leftovers of some favorites.  Got a text that afternoon, that she was still planning to come, but he might not be coming.  Radar alert.  Later, she texted that she would not be coming either.  Radar extra sensitive antennae raised.  A few cryptic texts later, I had been told that she was "fine", LeBoyfriend and his entire family were "fine", and she was "sorry."

I entered into a full on codependant episode.  We three (me, DH and DD1) went thru the formalities of me opening gifts, tried to make a dent in the food, and then I stashed everything, drove to the reservoir, and walked/stomped/cried off three miles of praying, thanking God for the time I'd had this last year, gratefully remembering some of the highpoints, and mentally placing her in His arms again.  I was convinced, particularly with my husband's negative reinforcement, that we were on the roller coaster again, and that the wild ride would not stop until the jail doors closed behind her.   

My fears appeared confirmed when she took two days off work with flu.  I found that out because I codependantly emailed her at her work email, to see how she was doing.  I finally decided to call LeBoyfriend two days later, on the pretense of needing to know if he wanted one or two coats of paint on some baseboards he was going to install for us (envisioning of course, the worst case scenario, where the flooring was nearly in on her old bedroom and the job of finishing plus putting in baseboards waited another 16 months while they completed prison you believe my stupid brain? do you see the rediculous lengths I went to?  I see it in retrospect, but boy at the time, I was irrational and scared shitless). 

He sounded hoarse, and said she had given that flu to him, he thought.  He was driving that tanker with a 102 degree temp, and chills.  She had gone into work both mornings and gotten email and phone calls caught up, and crawled home to sleep and let her stomach settle.

God forgive me,  but I was grateful to hear that my kid(s) were ill with a really horrible flu.

One week later, they came over and he worked on the floor, she helped, we laughed, and hugged, and teased and smiled.  Like nothing was wrong. 

Because nothing was really wrong. 

I never found out if anything other than the flu happened, but it isn't my business.  People miss things sometimes, and we don't ALL get to know why.  They gave me a beautiful card with sweet handwritten messages, and asked if they could take me, and DH, and oldest daughter, out for dinner on DH's birthday (a couple weeks later). 

In the ensuing weeks, she's made her regular payments on her laptop her dad let her put on his charge card, made her initial payment (plus a hefty set-up fee payment) to the IRS for her back taxes from three years ago before the last Big Run, and also set up probation payments.  And been released not only from informal parole, but also informal probation.  And she's making payments with her own little pre-paid credit card that she has her salary deposited to.  And she bought a dryer to replace the old unreliable one they had been given by his brother. 

I feel sheepish for where my thoughts/fears took me on my birthday.  Yes, they could have been in trouble.  But they weren't.  And I wasted a ton of energy worrying.  Once again, I need to be vigilant in working on ME!

Yesterday morning, she called as they were driving to church, to wish her dad a happy birthday.  How many things in that sentence there are to be grateful for!!

Last night, we met them at a great restaurant (Claim Jumper!) and we enjoyed well over an hour and a half of laughter, talking, listening to their ideas about the upcoming wedding and drinking in their excitement as they described what they envision for it.  I was so blessed by all of it, especially her happy, content smiles (and so full! Yummy!).  (I got such a grin out of watching her pay for the meal at the table with her credit card, adding a hefty tip for our great server, because she waited tables for years and she knows how hard it is.... watching her do something so normal and age appropriate - made me proud!)

I continue to work more on me!  They're doing a damn fine job of working, managing their affairs, and building a life!  I need to file away these memories, and also the realization that they operate in their own way, on their own time, and the occasional glitch does not spell relapse.  I'll get there! I know that the past decade is going to have an effect on my thinking process (and we could go to that dark place again someday), but I am going to work on staying in the day, on not wasting energy worrying until it is a fact there is something to worry about.  Despite what any naysayers around me say!

My prayers continue for all our precious kids!


  1. Don't be so hard on yourself....Its only natural to jump to the conclusion you did. We've been trained to jump to that conclusion and we are often right. BUT this wasn't one of those times!!!!!!!!!!! (jumping for joy). I think it was a good reminder that things really have changed this time, but old habits die hard.

  2. I think Karen thought I'd lost my mind.... but she is in a different place than I am, due to it being my child, her sister, etc. She even said that, and that made me feel better. She is much more zen about it - "oh well, if she's sick again, I'll be here when she's ready." She really gets the disease process, AND, the healthy detachment. I'm still working on the latter! And yes, jumping for joy....

  3. those two have come sooo!

    Andrew is under a mountain of debt also from his past, but he has a payment plan for all of it..and slowly..and surely the amount gets smaller every month. He may even get his license back before he is 40. It's his to figure out, and I don't get involved in it anymore.

    Thing is, I used to feel sorry for him for all that debt and past baggage, but he and your kids are figuring it out on their own. That's the best way!

  4. Oh Mama....I SO GET THIS. I am so happy that everything was ok and those times where we get crazy are our best teachers.
    I am going to email you my episode of crazy... just last week. It will make you feel better! LOL

  5. So wonderful to read that all was well,...even though "well" was them with the flu. Oh my,...I'd have done the same thing,.....SO easy to do ! Don't be hard on yourself. You're a mom who's been through so much.

  6. I am so glad it all worked out for you. There is still hope for the rest of us who are still waiting to catch a break. Keep on enjoying every minute of your new life.

  7. That was a great post! I have those same feelings too when things are going too well so I think he is fooling me or he sleeps too long or he stays out too late.

    It sucks but recovering takes a long time....for everyone involved.

  8. As a mom I also go to that dark place. We expect the worst, and run the scenario over and over in our mind. For me then the anger begins, because I feel like I've been doing this for so long. But when reality hits, it is usually much better than I expected. Take care.

  9. Barbara said it first: Old habits die hard. It is engrained in us especially as moms to sense when something is wrong. Add the addict experience and our senses go into overdrive at the smallest incident. I know that I could not control mine well either if I still had contact with my daughter.

  10. i have them aswell, x-mas, motherday, birthday, new year, sadness and celebration...i just realised im treading water-eish

  11. prayers all round, we all need them, some more than others tho

  12. and I thought it was just me that detach relapses and then comes to her senses? Go figure? LOL

  13. OMG THIS WAS SO GOOD TO READ. I mean it could have been me going right there. Prison door shutting on him any day now. So many lessons here. Thanks for the honesty. Loved reading it.