Thursday, February 23, 2012

Lost my gauge.....

Was checking a few blogs in between batches of work just now and read Lou's post:

I used to remember how to make a shortened link.... I have clean forgotten!

Anyway, a comment she made really struck me...

"Trying to discern what is unsaid. Trying to gauge the truth."

I get it, Lou. We've gone from seeing L every day, to phone calls once or twice a week (and the random loving or funny text).  If I call her with an honest question (not a contrived excuse to call), and she doesn't answer or call me back, my brain almost fries on the spot. Called her about a quilt she wanted repaired Tuesday night... she texted me the next morning that she was sick and had gone to bed the night before at 7 pm. You can imagine where my head took "sick" etc.

I have lost the "gauge" I really had no right to have... She would saunter past my sewing loft with a soft "Hi Mommy" on the way out to smoke, and I could gauge whether work was good/frantic, LeBoyfriend was making her smile/frown, she was feeling picked upon by Cranky Dad, boss lady was loving her, etc. Two words and I knew how my, I mean HER world was. Yes, the codependent irony there is not lost on me.

I too, will likely never completely take the words at face value. LeBoyfriend came by today to pick up some things of hers, and to verbally contract with us for a March flooring job in her old bedroom as we continue efforts to get ready to sell/move in two years.... I handed him some Airborne/cough lozenges she had asked about, and he said "Oh that will help! She's got another good cold going, coughing all night! Thank you!" Yes, I know they can get their own cough/cold items, but I chose to help because this was a short month pay days wise, with many start-up expenses in their new place.  I had scored both items with double coupons and had more in the pantry. 

I am chagrinned to tell you how relieved I was to hear she was genuinely sick.... She's going on two years clean in April and I still hear (dope)sick.

We're getting better at this every day, all of us.... but it's definitely 'progress, not perfection'!!


  1. Oh man,,,,can't we all relate to this ?....despite not wanting to.... My son can pause too long on the phone & it can make my heart lurch about what he's about to tell me. Not good,...but true. Although,...even at that, I too, am making progress. Really good to hear of your daughter continuing to do so well.

  2. Oh gosh...isn't all of that just part of the journey? lol Also I give cough drops, vitamins, and healthy food items to all of my kids when needed (or not.) I think that's just universal mom behavior. :o)

  3. Me too...I'm always trying to read between the lines. BTW, I seem to be following Annette around because she cracks me up. "universal mom-behavior" hahahaha

    SO HAPPY your daughter continues to do well!

  4. I think we'll always have our battle scars, but for the most part I have learned to take the joy in each day.

    Every time I hear those two are still walking the straight and narrow if fills my heart with gratitude.

    I will never forget how you had that whole church pray for Andrew. I believe we are here today (at this point) because of those beautiful, giving people.


  5. Amen, Sista! I hear ya loud and clear. Of course in my case there is not sobriety time, but I am positive it will take a looooooooooong time to get over the automatic thoughts triggered by certain words, looks, gestures, etc.

  6. Oh my gosh! It is so hard to let go of our children. So hard from seeing them every day to only whenever - what a transition.
    Our life was their life - I hear you on the codependency aspects LOL
    You have a way of telling your story in a way that we can all relate to and that tugs at the heart strings.
    Your daughter has an awesome mother.