Thursday, February 23, 2012

Lost my gauge.....

Was checking a few blogs in between batches of work just now and read Lou's post:

http://whatdoesntkillyamakesyastonger.blogspot.com/2012/02/im-listening-as-hard-as-i-can.html

I used to remember how to make a shortened link.... I have clean forgotten!

Anyway, a comment she made really struck me...

"Trying to discern what is unsaid. Trying to gauge the truth."

I get it, Lou. We've gone from seeing L every day, to phone calls once or twice a week (and the random loving or funny text).  If I call her with an honest question (not a contrived excuse to call), and she doesn't answer or call me back, my brain almost fries on the spot. Called her about a quilt she wanted repaired Tuesday night... she texted me the next morning that she was sick and had gone to bed the night before at 7 pm. You can imagine where my head took "sick" etc.

I have lost the "gauge" I really had no right to have... She would saunter past my sewing loft with a soft "Hi Mommy" on the way out to smoke, and I could gauge whether work was good/frantic, LeBoyfriend was making her smile/frown, she was feeling picked upon by Cranky Dad, boss lady was loving her, etc. Two words and I knew how my .....er, I mean HER world was. Yes, the codependent irony there is not lost on me.

I too, will likely never completely take the words at face value. LeBoyfriend came by today to pick up some things of hers, and to verbally contract with us for a March flooring job in her old bedroom as we continue efforts to get ready to sell/move in two years.... I handed him some Airborne/cough lozenges she had asked about, and he said "Oh that will help! She's got another good cold going, coughing all night! Thank you!" Yes, I know they can get their own cough/cold items, but I chose to help because this was a short month pay days wise, with many start-up expenses in their new place.  I had scored both items with double coupons and had more in the pantry. 


I am chagrinned to tell you how relieved I was to hear she was genuinely sick.... She's going on two years clean in April and I still hear (dope)sick.

We're getting better at this every day, all of us.... but it's definitely 'progress, not perfection'!!

6 comments:

  1. Oh man,,,,can't we all relate to this ?....despite not wanting to.... My son can pause too long on the phone & it can make my heart lurch about what he's about to tell me. Not good,...but true. Although,...even at that, I too, am making progress. Really good to hear of your daughter continuing to do so well.

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  2. Oh gosh...isn't all of that just part of the journey? lol Also I give cough drops, vitamins, and healthy food items to all of my kids when needed (or not.) I think that's just universal mom behavior. :o)

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  3. Me too...I'm always trying to read between the lines. BTW, I seem to be following Annette around because she cracks me up. "universal mom-behavior" hahahaha

    SO HAPPY your daughter continues to do well!

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  4. I think we'll always have our battle scars, but for the most part I have learned to take the joy in each day.

    Every time I hear those two are still walking the straight and narrow if fills my heart with gratitude.

    I will never forget how you had that whole church pray for Andrew. I believe we are here today (at this point) because of those beautiful, giving people.

    XOXO

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  5. Amen, Sista! I hear ya loud and clear. Of course in my case there is not sobriety time, but I am positive it will take a looooooooooong time to get over the automatic thoughts triggered by certain words, looks, gestures, etc.

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  6. Oh my gosh! It is so hard to let go of our children. So hard from seeing them every day to only whenever - what a transition.
    Our life was their life - I hear you on the codependency aspects LOL
    You have a way of telling your story in a way that we can all relate to and that tugs at the heart strings.
    Your daughter has an awesome mother.

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