Monday, February 28, 2011

Hard work continues

She's getting her butt out of the bed at 4:45 every morning, smoking a cig on the front porch (while The Dad still sleeps) and sipping her coffee while psyching herself up for the day.

She's at work on time daily (I give her a ride but I do not get her up, or insist that she get in the car by a certain time - I just get myself ready and work at my desk until she says she's ready, grab my keys, and off we go).

She's making just over minimum wage and grateful. She's thinking about taking on a another job to help save money for a car. She's trying to be an Avon erep, but money is tight for everyone! She has to sell $80.00 worth of Avon a month just to cover the cost of the website, so I think she may stop that soon. The whole reason she wanted to do it was to put the profit after costs into a "car fund".

She's taking her medications. The parole psych doctor changed them recently and she seems less stable on the new combination. But that's for her to discuss with her doctor, I guess.

She is taking one class on campus at the local college and one online (at same college).

She paid "rent" immediately, for the whole month, with her first paycheck.

She lives for her weekends, which is her time to get to a meeting at the Crossing, and also to spend time with LeBoyfriend either at his family's house, or ours. They are very low key on the weekends, preferring to go to a movie, fix pizza at home, and attend Sunday services with his family.

She followed up on her financial aid applications this past week and discovered she qualified for fee waivers resulting in a complete refund to her dad for class costs and registration fees. Yay!

Against this backdrop of continued effort and positive results, I feel like I have no room to gripe! It's not the rosy picture it seems, given that The Dad continues to needle her daily about her smoking, and is trying to insure that we only drive the 20 miles to the Friday night church recovery meeting every other week. Gas costs are painful, and he "doesn't see the need." (Her commute to work each day is 1.3 miles - what a blessing!)

You can imagine how his lack of understanding of her need to get to a meeting of her choice once a week is impacting my serenity. She took the bus down there last week - the trip took an hour and a half, straight through the areas where she "connected" most often when using. Yes, I know it is codependent of me to be concerned about this. But really, wouldn't spending $8-10 a week in gas to get her to a meeting be "enabling recovery"? His constant needling about her smoking isn't helping her OR me either. She is dutifully walking up the street four lots to smoke at a vacant corner as per his wishes (except for that morning cigarette that he sleeps through), and still, daily he tells her "too many, too many, you promised you would stop", etc. She takes it in stride, but geez.

If you read about some crazy woman in SoCal taking a garden hoe to her husband's head, you'll know it was me.

She's doing SO well. I look at her efforts and her successes (high praise from her bosses, making the choice to skip an optional free drinks/food celebration with her coworkers at a bar because she thought it might be a trigger, voluntarily picking up extra hours on Saturdays, carefully budgeting to start paying probation and back taxes, and unbeknownst to The Dad, purchasing his birthday present two months early because she saw something that he will love…..) and I think she's really doing an AWESOME job working on her recovery and rebuilding her life.

I don't understand my own state of mind right now. I'm positively schizoid. I'm profoundly grateful and at the same time, exhausted, stressed, and emotional. I think I have had tears in my eyes about ten times already today. What's up with that!

Maybe its hormones or menopause or something like that. Maybe it's the financial strain of my economy. Note I did not say The Economy. The only economy that I'm really worried about is mine, and mine sucks.

But really, it's all good. She's clean, productive, and willing (98% of the time!). That pretty much outweighs everything else! I am so proud of her.... love her so much!

At any rate, I am just checking in, and thought I'd post an update. Now, I'm going to take my grateful self off to take a nap!

Continuing to pray for all our families and our precious children…..