Monday, March 29, 2010

Another mom.....

Please everyone, go visit and give her an encouraging word.


HerMother

Thanks!

Friday, March 26, 2010

Turning corners...

A bit of a corner has been turned, in me, in my mind (feeble though it may be at my age)!

I hit a new level of “low” in regards to my daughter. I really felt a sort of audible mental click a week or so ago, maybe two. I'm just… I’m not sure how to explain it.

I’m more angry these days.
Dad's post really hit home – I so get it!)

But mostly, I’m okay. I’m sad. But I’m okay. What choice to I have anyway!?

Acceptance.

I love the daughter I carried inside me, nursed, kissed, and raised. I have loved being her mom. But she’s so seldom “home” inside her body these days. She’s certainly not part of our lives at this time (her choice). She’s all but gone.

And I’m sad. But I’m okay. Everyone must experience some “sad”. Why should I expect to be any different?!

I have a post I want to fine tune a bit, and think on, before I put it up…. More along these lines…. Not sure if I'm restating the obvious or getting hung up on semantics, but a thought or two I will share later.


But for today, just wanted to check in with my dear blogging friends and say…

My head’s up. I’m plugging along. Life is so worthwhile, even though it has changed so dramatically over the past decade.

And I am still so grateful for the good in my life!

P.S. I miss so many of our bloggers. <3


P.P.S. Second quilt top completed for Crisis Center Homes. Starting a third this weekend!

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

It's quiet

No changes. Also, no phone calls, no contact whatsoever other than a brief IM a few days ago. (I hate not having contact…. I can stand the wait, if I can just occasionally call and have a simple conversation and say “I love you.” The silence? It is deafening. I'm filling it with good music.)

Gratitudes:
I have sufficient work to pay my bills.
I have the health to do the work.
Regarding DD2, there has been no bad news!
Asparagas is in season – yum!
Daylight Savings Time means my sewing room is bright longer into the evenings, so I can see/sew longer!
Daylight Savings Time also means no excuse for not walking after dinner or before work each day. I’m working on that one!

:)

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Checking motives!

I got to see her briefly day before yesterday. She came by unexpectedly, to pick up a couple of her things. She was with Le Boyfriend. I thought he looked very skinny (his drug of choice is speed). She looked really good to me, but every inch of her was covered with clothing, so who knows. He only hung around a few moments, and then went to wait in the car. I told her that I just wanted her to know that should she ever decide to step away and take care of herself and only herself, the ride to probation was available and that I would sit and wait with her for moral support….. (and that I would not turn him in, if she made that choice.)

Their “best thinking” is that they will just try to get clean and stay out of the county. They apparently think that will help them evade arrest. Boyfriend told me he knows if he turns himself in, or if he is arrested, either way, it’s 16 months prison time for him and he just wants to delay it as long as possible.

Jello-brain. (one of my kids' favorite insults to fling around at about age five!)

DD2 admitted she was aware it could go easier on her if she turned herself in, and she would likely do a little time and then get held until a program bed was available. But she “can’t leave him.”

Jello-brain. A matched pair. (Sorry, I'm still in "cranky mode".)

Really, I raised my girls to be independent. I chanted the “say no to drugs” and the “you don’t need a Significant Other to be complete” speeches regularly. They know my speeches so well they can say them, themselves. I’ve heard them do it.

As several folks have pointed out, she is as dependent on him as she is on the heroin.

I handed over her stuff and we exchanged hugs and “I love yous”. DH and I walked out with her under the auspices of waving goodbye, commented to them on their rental car choice (a car they know I happen to like) and I noted the brand of the rental car key tag when I leaned in to wave at Le Boyfriend and told them to “take care of themselves”. Then we waved them out of sight (chanting the plate number to ourselves as we did).

I couldn’t decide whether to give that info to Probation or not. DH was afraid of repercussions from pissed-off loaded boyfriend or boyfriend’s brother…. I’m so wanting to just get this stopped before she overdoses or gets another theft charge or worse. Jail would mean no more heroin for a while.

Then I remembered reading Lisa C’s comment about “check your motives” made on another blog. And then I think I read the same viewpoint by Syd on yet another one!

Check my motives. Would I be trying to do something to FIX HER? Yep.


Thanks fellow bloggers, for that bolt of clarity!

Really, nothing changes, if nothing changes, way deep down inside. If she is stopped in some fashion, but doesn’t resolve to walk away from all of it, including him, I fear she’ll never make it. So, not sure there is any benefit to passing the rental car info along….This has to be HER shift in thinking…. Not a change in circumstances that I manipulate.

Next morning, Probation called and I answered all of her questions honestly. Yes, I’d seen her. Yep, quite unexpectedly, and right there in my living room 18 hours earlier. Gone in ten minutes. No, I don’t know exactly where she is staying. No, I don’t think she’s going to turn herself in. Yes, I’m glad there is now a warrant on all three of them. Yes, if she comes by again, I’ll try to get her to speak with Probation.

But in the meantime, I just continue to pray. And hope. And I’m going to take the Little People for a walk today. I got a new leash extension that is spliced so I can walk the littlest two together…. If we don’t tie ourselves in knots and go down in a heap, the walk with be good for all of us! And then I’m going to go sew on the quilt top for the Crisis Center. And make DH some
Piccata Chicken (a la Pioneer Woman’s site). And plants some flower seeds. Life goes on, and it’s good. Not perfect, but darn good!

Edited to add:
Here’s the first finished quilt top for the Crisis Centers my dad and mom work with. I will layer it with batting and backing tomorrow, pin it, and then start quilting it all together. I’m not entirely happy with it, but it has the colorful and scrappy look I was going for, and I think I’ll like it better when it’s quilted and has the binding on it.















I have enough scraps left over (and this was donated fabric from a friend to start with!) to make several Sunbonnet Sue blocks and I hope to do this with scraps from each quilt I make, thereby gaining a whole ‘nuther quilt at the end of this project, with bits and scraps from each quilt along the way.

The Little People took the opportunity to test the quilt top for softness and check it out as a wrestling surface.






























Tuffboy goes for the throat!

















And Kimi retaliates with an assault on his leg! That’s my girl!


The Chicken Piccata was great. The walk was challenging (from the "tangle up and fall" factor, not the distance or the weather!) The seeds didn’t get planted, but tomorrow is another day!

Good night!

Friday, March 5, 2010

One call....

DH called our daughter a few days ago. No response.

I called yesterday. She eventually called back. She is with Boyfriend and his brother. The conversation was calm, punctuated by the occasional nervous laugh on her part.
I asked if she had any good ideas… especially about what may happen when she misses her next probation appointment. She said they’ll be looking for her then.


(I didn’t mention that I think they are looking for them now, since the fact that she is not at the sober home address was reported to probation by the house owner.)

They have openly admitted they are “running amok” (using).

I told her I loved her and that I guess she’s gotta do, what she’s gotta do.


I reminded her that she had just completed a comfortable detox (compared to detoxing in jail) and been provided (by her ex-sponsor) with a sober home bed from which to make the necessary phone calls to obtain the rehab she repeatedly says she wants. She was within a couple weeks of getting exactly what she said she wanted/needed, and she chose to walk out of that sober home and get loaded within an hour of arriving there.

I didn’t say it mean; I just said that I didn’t understand why she did it. And that I still was praying for her and hoping she’d find her way to sobriety. She said something like “that’s the plan, mom.”

I asked that she and the boys call home occasionally just to let their respective families know they are alive. She agreed (they did too, in the background, so I really hope Boyfriend and his brother call his mom).

I’m not sure there is anything else I can do. She knows she is loved. She knows I’m not going to attempt to drag her back to do what she knows she should be doing.

DH and I have decided that if she should call and ask for help, we will offer to come and get her and take her directly to probation. (So she will have to meet us in daylight hours well before probation closes.) And she will be assured we will not in any way try to turn in or report the Boyfriend. If she wants to walk away from the situation, we can pick her up and take her to probation and sit with her until her P.O. comes to the waiting room to get her (at which time she’ll go back to jail). From jail, perhaps the judge will have her wait, in a sober condition, for a bed to open at rehab. She doesn’t seem able or willing to get there from the outside. Other than that, I have NO good ideas. (Of course, the judge may think prison would accomplish the same thing.)


I can’t think of anything else we can do for her at this point. She is not asking for anything.

I’m busying myself with a quilting project. My dad and mom work closely with two women’s crisis centers in Wyoming where they live. They often use coupons and score household items at a good price and drop them off at the houses, and they are good friends with the ladies that run/manage the homes. These houses are for women/children trying to leave abusive situations at home. Sometimes they run from their abusive situation with nothing but the clothes they are wearing and the children in their arms.

My quilting friends and I are going to make simple, bright, colorful quilts for each of the beds/cribs in the two group homes. I got one quilt completely cut out and half the blocks made last night. I’ll post a picture when the quilt top is completed. This project is really helping me focus on doing something I find relaxing and meaningful. I pray for my daughter and all our blogging community while sewing – it calms me and then I turn my attention back to the quilt at hand!


We hope the quilts will help create a warm, homey appearance at the women’s crisis centers. The goal is to have them all made by “first frost” next fall. (That’s probably optimistic, given that sometimes it has been known to snow on their Fourth of July parade! But hopefully we’ll have them done by September!)

My dad has already made two crib quilts tops! I will “sandwich” the tops with batting and backing and stitch/quilt them together soon. A friend donated a completed crib quilt she made for a contest that she really did not have planned for a specific baby. Another friend has a twin sized quilt she made while taking a quilting class to learn a specific technique; she’s donating that one. We’re well on our way!

Gratitudes:
- My youngest daughter is alive and there is hope.
- My oldest daughter is doing well in her paralegal studies, despite worrying about Sister.
- My work is at a level that pays our bills!
- My sewing friends are enthusiastically helping me with this project!
- We’ve received donations of fabric from several quilters’ stashes!
- The cool weather and sunshine - Loving SoCal right now!
- DH’s dogs, that make me laugh with their antics.
- My lettuce is growing well.
- It’s Friday!

Wishing us all a peaceful weekend!