Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Reminding myself to look at the good side....

Sorry to have been so scarce. I’ve been reading on blogs, commenting on some, but haven’t had much to say. I have been a bit sad these last two weeks. My “son” (I told his story here) and his girlfriend, who coincidentally is my oldest daughter’s best friend, broke up. As much as I rejoiced in my “world getting smaller” when they hooked up and for the time they lived together….

boy, when they broke up, it pretty much left us ALL heartbroken.

It wasn’t messy. It wasn’t mean. He doesn’t love her any more. She thought he was “the one.” He hung on and tried maybe longer than he should. She’s accepted it. They are still “friends”. He was left in the position of having no one here except us, his California family, and since he is unemployed, he saw a chance to change his life for the better: He’s moving to be with his real family, in Alabama, where his dad is pastoring a church. Most of his family lives there now. He’s going “home”, even if it’s a new home for him!

He has four job opportunities lined up already. He will pay one-fourth the rent cost for twice the square footage he and the girlfriend and her small son were living in here. How can this not be a win-win for him!?

My head knows this is a smart move for him. My heart ain’t so happy.

We said goodbye yesterday, and he’s updating on Facebook as he drives cross country…. His grill is strapped to the top of his Suburban! We call him the Grillmeister, or Master of the Grill – he can do amazing things with charcoal and his grill! There’s a python buried in that car somewhere, in a huge tank.

And a good chunk of our hearts is probably in there too. I’m convinced part of mine has been torn out.

The hurt part of me is still thinking, “Damn, you broke up with the girlfriend, I get that. Why are you breaking up with the rest of us?”

The sensible mom part of me is thinking, “What a golden opportunity, and he’ll be with his real family, his aging parents (he’s 30, the youngest of five and there’s a span of about 15 years between him and the oldest sib!), and so, good for him!”

The codependent part of me is thinking “how do I tell my youngest, our addict currently in prison, that her ‘brother’ is gone?”

She was the one who came to us years ago and said, “he’s getting out, his folks have taken a new church in ‘Bama, and he needs a home….”

She was the one that took her tips and bought the bunk bed they used to coexist in her tiny bedroom.

She was the one that dragged him to meetings and took him to parole appointments and she was the one who gave me the best son I never had.

He's an amazing guy. He has more than five years clean!! His success gives me huge amounts of hope. My daughter has mentioned since she relapsed, that she looks at him as a role model, because he walked away from the drugs, away from the lifestyle, and he's succeeded. She so admires that.

This was a hard decision for him to reach, but I have no doubt it was not made lightly. He's grown so much in the last five years. I love him so much! We all do! My husband and I both cried at the curb, saying goodbye. :(

My oldest has already written the youngest a letter giving her the news. She’s heartbroken too. He roomed with her for a full year just like he did with my youngest. They’ve been so close, so much a sibling group, the three of them. More like siblings than many actual siblings I know.

My oldest is left, in her words, “to clean up the wreckage.” She is heartbroken, but every time she goes to hang out with the girlfriend and her little boy, she walks into "their" place and he’s not there. She can’t really grieve it in front of her friend, cos the friend has been devastated and is grieving too.

And the girlfriend’s little boy, who is my oldest’s godson, is completely confused.

Life just is sad sometimes.

My ‘son’ made it to Flagstaff before he blew a tire (retread). He’s fine, car’s fine. Four new tires later, he’s now passed Albuquerque. He’s going to be “home” in another two days. His mom and dad are so expectant and happy, and that is a huge thing for me to remember. They’ve waited a long time for this. He told me he wasn’t much of a son for a lot of years. He’s grateful for the opportunity to make it up to them!

He’s a good man, and I miss him. A lot!


  1. Its so sad for you...but wow..what a guy and it sounds like this will be so good for him. Make him whole, he will have maybe come full circle now? Its hard to let go though. I'm sorry....((HUG))

  2. Oh Sweetie, I am sad for you. This young man will always be part of your life and you will see him again, but I know Its not the same :(

    OK, my eyes are bad cause I first read that he had his "girl" strapped to the roof of his car and my thought was "but he just broke up with her..." then went back and saw what it really said.

  3. Oh Barbara, that made me laugh! (hug!)

  4. Good luck to him. He sounds as if he has turned his life around in many ways. I am sure that he will keep in touch with you. It is hard to have those we love at a distance, but it appears for the time being to be what he wants.

  5. The good ones do "grow up" and move forward with his life. He is closing a loop and reconnecting with his "real family" if I get this right. What a blessing for them; and he will always be in your heart.

    I have had a bad day following a horrible evening (just my mental state, nothing to worry about really) but I laughed out loud when I read Barbara's comment. Thanks for the chuckle...I needed that!

  6. wow, he is doing well in my world. Awesome! He has a plan...He'll do the best he can living his own life! sigh.

  7. It sounds as if it is the right time for him to begin this new chapter of his life. He is reconnecting with his first family - which will, no doubt, be very therapeutic. However, I'm sure that he carries you in his heart - - - forever. You must feel so good about his courage, strength, and hope to take this step. And, you were instrumental in building the foundation for him to be able to move forward. This is how it's supposed to happen, isn't it? We give them roots, so they can one day fly? Congratulations.

  8. How strange life can be, leaving us feeling sad and proud at the same exact moment. He sounds like a wonderful young man who is an inspiration to those who love him and to those mom's out here hoping our kids can turn their lives around like he has. You did a good job helping this young man, surrounding him with your awesome love and taking him in like your own. Now he will be a part of your family forever and it gives you a reason to go to Alabama:) I am thinking of you!

  9. I'm a big believer in that people come and go in our lives at just the "right" time. Perhaps he is needed in someone else's life right now. Although you will miss him, I'm sure he will remain there in your heart. Best of luck to you and your family and to your "son".

  10. I am sorry you are so sad. I hope you all find some peace soon and that poor little boy understands it ha nothing to do with him. I always feel so bad for the little bewildered ones.