Thursday, July 29, 2010

Checking in...

'Son' arrived and is settled in with his family. The grill/smoker made it, all the way across the country, strapped to his bright blue 'burban, no more flats, no issues, just smooth travels. He immediately set up the grill and smoked ribs for his parents... He has a big interview today with some bigwigs in a company he has applied to... they will be lucky to have him!

All is well here. I’m reading blogs, commenting on some, and working on me. I’ve gotten much accomplished on the crisis center quilts – by the end of August I should have four more quilted on the big frame and ready to send up to my Dad to distribute at one of the centers.

My daughter, Le Boyfriend, and myself are perfecting the long lost art of letter writing. She says in her letters that she is remaining clean while in prison, though she is surrounded by those who are not. I’m choosing to hope that is true. It’s been well over a hundred degrees where she is, almost daily. She walks in the early mornings on a track; later when she reaches the final room assignment that she will have, she will get to run on the track. Apparently that’s a privilege? She’s looking forward to the exercise. She’s lost 15 pounds, and is on new psych medications. Her letters have gone from almost illegible, to fairly neat writing. That’s when I know her medications are working!

She wants to come home for a while after prison. Not a good idea in my mind. My husband says she can, but only if she agrees not to resume her smoking habit. Rather than get involved in the chaos and stress that will ultimately result from his ultimatum, I’ve decided that as long as he makes that a stipulation, that I can’t agree to her coming home. I will not live with the constant questions, accusations when she comes home from an NA meeting smelling like smoke, etc. It obviously is something between him and her, but I will not live in the war zone. Either we welcome her home with the previous rule that all smoking takes place outside under the “smoking tree” (as the kids named it), or we will simply have to love her unconditionally and support her as much as we can, from a distance.

I simply cannot believe that he wants to make remaining a nonsmoker a caveat for living with us. But since I really don’t think it’s appropriate that she live with us, anyway, it’s moot.

What did I want to do? I wanted to offer her a few days, maximum one week, that she could come home, decompress, get through to parole and get information about where she should live (supposedly parole will assist), and also get set up with mental health and get her medications, get to a few felony-friendly job interviews, and take in a few meetings. That’s all I wanted to do for her, other than just enjoy her presence and her smile, and hug on her frequently! She wants to do all those things, even the mental health part. She says her medications are giving her clarity and she understands her actions more. That’s pretty huge.

He says she can’t even come here for a couple of days, unless she is not smoking. I’m sure she will promise that, but it won’t last, so I’m going to have to make it abundantly clear to both her and LeBoyfriend, that due to his stipulation, she can only be here for a week even IF she is willing to accept his “rule”. I doubt she’ll make aboard the bus to come home without lighting up, but whatever.

Still, right now, I’m in a holding pattern. I’m taking care of me, avoiding conflict, getting my work done, getting sewing done on the quilts for the women’s crisis centers, and planning a trip to my parents in September. I’ll have to work while I’m there, but only half days. The afternoons will be filled with chickens, horses, wide open spaces, crafts with Dad, time to listen to and absorb my folks, soaking up memories with them. I can’t wait!



  1. I think it is perfectly fair for you both to have stipulations and limits. My thought is for both of you to examine closely why you have the stipulations. Use help if you need too.

    Both of you have to be on the same page not only of the stipulation but of the background and meaning to yourself for these boundaries. I do wish you much luck on on this next chapter.

    The question I ask myself after reading this, What drives the smoking issue? Is hubby trying to control her, does he have a personal aversion to smoking, is it a personal boundary for himself or just simply a household rule? I've been there personally with these kind of rules/boundaries. I am constantly asking myself "why" now when I want to do things and in the past it was always easy to justify to myself what I "wanted". Now when I dig deeper into myself about what I am doing as it relates to my son I have uncovered some very intersting things. It has changed the way I think and enabled me to see a bigger horizon.

  2. The quilts are amazing! You are so talented and all for such a wonderful cause. You are smart not to want a world war III over non-smoking and all the stress that hovering over someone brings. I am happy to here DD2 is working on herself and taking her meds and hope that continues when she is released. The trip to your folk's sounds so wonderful, you truly do sound well and all the work you are doing on you is certainly showing on this post. Much love and light! Renee

  3. Glad that there are boundaries within reason and that there is progress. I think that it's a good idea to check my motives for boundaries and my behavior.

  4. Your quilts are absolutely gorgeous. You are so talented! I think you're right to not want to get involved in a war. And I think you're right in only wanting her to come and stay for a week. But that's just my two cents :)
    Enjoy your time at your Dad's. It sounds like it'll be wonderful.

  5. First of all the quilts are BEAUTIFUL!!!!! I agree with you not to have a war over the smoking thing. My son lives with me and smokes out in the back, for me it is really not an issue, I mean I obsess more over whether or not he is using.... I love that you said that you were taking care of yourself, this is something that I am slowly learning to do..... not getting all wrapped up in the madness. I'm happy that your daughters meds are working, thats really good news.