"Hi, my name is Her Big Sad, and I am mad."
We used to have to introduce ourselves at family therapy sessions and state at least two feelings we were experiencing.
Today I’m writing about just one - the mad. I’ve noticed I am way more cranky these days, concerning my daughter. I went through an angry spell many years ago and really thought I had passed that point. Guess not.
I’ve reached my patience limit with so much of her situation.
For example: with my daughter’s creditors’ calls and letters. I've started calling every creditor as the bills come in, and telling them, "I know you can't talk to me about her financial issues. But let me talk to you. She's a homeless, asset-less, mentally-ill drug addict and has been incarcerated and will be incarcerated again, any day now..... Good luck, Chuck, with getting the money from her. Get the word out - she's sucking all of you dry and you haven't a prayer of collecting."
I usually try to say it a little more nicely. I don’t always succeed. It just seems like in the age of computers, they could somehow flag their internal database in some fashion and at LEAST not reissue more credit to her in the future. Some of these stupid credit cards have issued her more than one card which she has abused and discarded. Capital One did that. After losing over ten grand to her, they issued another card. WTF. ('scuze me!)
And the hospital bills? What is the point in pestering the family of an indigent adult – this is not their bill or legal responsibility (if it was, I’d go bankrupt!). Once they are told this is not her address and not our responsibility, why must they continue to call?
However, I realize right now, my anger stems mostly from the fact that I know what she is doing. She's gone on "good ones" often enough, and in the past, I've cleaned up the wreckage often enough (packing up her stuff after she's arrested and bringing it home), that I KNOW WHAT SHE'S DOING. She is breaking into cars and houses, stealing, and selling for drug money/motel money, etc. When she's sober, she expresses remorse, contrition, etc. And I think she probably means it at that time. But when she's loaded? She sees absolutely nothing wrong with her actions. "That's what insurance is for, Mom. I'm not hurting anyone." How did she miss the basic message I taught her from the cradle..... if it doesn't have your name on it, don't touch it.
I'm sick to death of throwing away glass cutters and lock picks.
I no longer pack her up. Haven't for a while. If she loses her nicer work clothing and her prized hoodies along with her glass cutters, lock picking kits, and drug paraphernalia, so be it.
She usually calls every four or five days. Oddly, I don't always want to talk with her for long, when she's running amok. I’m profoundly grateful to hear her voice. And I'm angry. What a mix! I tell her I love her and I close the conversation pretty quickly, after reminding her that today would be a great day to turn herself in..... I say it nicely. I honestly don’t dwell on that. I try to be positive. I write her an e-mail about once a week that is loving and reminds her of the good qualities and strengths hidden down inside the shell she has erected around her. She wrote me back a week ago and thanked me for the emails, stating I encourage her more than she can say. (but not quite enough to turn herself in just yet!)
She called yesterday and mentioned again that they are planning to turn themselves in after Le Boyfriend sees his daughter when she visits later this week from out of state. And across the miles, Lou’s voice is carried on the winds that are blowing today…… “show me, don’t tell me….show me!”
I miss you, Lou!! *grin!*
I don't even remind her that I had offered her a ride for turning herself in, any more. She can get there herself. She’s getting everywhere else she wants to be….. food, motel room, pawn shop, connection, his parents’ house, more connections, etc. I’d probably take her if she asked, in order to keep my promise, and actually would be glad she made that choice, but I’m not actively offering any more. I’m cranky.
I know that she will probably have to go to prison soon. And that's okay. I mean, it’s not okay. But it is what it is.
In a preverse way, I think she WANTS that. Why?
Where is this anger coming from? I've gotten so cold/numb. I don’t even check the website any more. If she's in, she'll call collect. This time, I may not take any calls after the first one. We used to take one a week. I'm even sick of that.
I know this is a disease. But I don't think my daughter is going to recover. I'm mad, sad, and numb. I'm also aggressively trying to move on. I guess ten years will do that to you. I identify strongly with what Fractal Mom has said so often. My daughter appears to be already gone.
I hope. I pray. But I temper it in reality. And the likelihood that for my daughter, it will not come to pass.
I used to tell myself that she could beat statistics, beat the disease, beat this enemy back down and walk over it to a life full of promise. Now I remind myself instead of a wise blogger's comment: “I must learn to live in the world of what is, and not in the world of what ought to be.”
I am mad.
I love her.
I miss her so damn much.
Edited to add: Warrant for LeBoyfriend’s brother is finally in force. I do not understand why it takes so long from the time you miss a probation appointment and they report it (which happened immediately – the morning after she missed!), until the time the judge signs and warrant becomes effective. Anyway, it’s my understanding that the warrants for her and LeBoyfriend will be about 5-7 days behind the brother’s, going into effect. Hope springs. Now if we can just get them pulled over for looking suspicious…. Maybe all three of them will end up where they need to be. She said they were pulled over a couple weeks ago, and held their collective breaths while the police ran their names, but since the warrants weren’t up yet, they were free to go. The slowness of this process astounds me sometimes. And my oldest, DD1, says that its going to get worse. She’s in paralegal studies and her professors have said that the court system is laying off, in some cases, 50% of their support personnel. Lawyers are beginning to work as paralegals. Paralegals can’t get jobs. And the court system is grinding down to an even slower crawl. What a mess!
Well, my day holds other concerns than DD2 and her escapades. I’ve prayed and put her in His hands, and I have transcription work to do, a husband to get through a minor surgical procedure today, and a dog sit job to carry out, in addition to taking care of our five pups!! Life goes on!!