Friday, February 26, 2010

Oh well.....

I described my afternoon yesterday with my daughter in the post below this one. Everything was accomplished and I returned home. At 5:58 pm she called to make sure I got home okay and told me she really liked the house and everyone was really nice.


At 7:00 am this morning, her former sponsor called me to tell me that she never came home last night.


She's pretty convinced DD2 is with the Boyfriend. He wasn't really talking to her yesterday, but I really figured they'd be talking again soon. I hoped however, that they would not get together. Her probation officer had said that he turned himself in on Monday and was "doing what he needed to do." I was hopeful about that.

If her sponsor isn't able to get my daughter to return to the sober home by about 3 pm today, she's going to just call Probation and report it. This hopefully would eventually result in arrest. My daughter's admitted goal while she was on her last run was to use enough to kill herself. So I'm hoping that they are able to arrest her sooner rather than later. Arrest is the only thing that stops her.

But frankly, I don't think that an arrest, or continuing this revolving door in and out of jail would accomplish much. My daughter just doesn't seem able to do this. She's broken. She asked me again yesterday if I thought she could do it. Yesterday, I told her once again, "I know you can!"

But today, I just don't think she will. I will never give up hope. But I feel that I'm hoping for something that will never be.

I guess today will be one of those one hour at a time days... I have work to do, and I have other family members to love and care for, and what will be will be!

20 comments:

  1. I feel sad for you. Sometimes it takes much more than we have to offer for them to see the obvious.

    I too hope the police find her soon. I know jail doesn't cure addicts but it can buy them time and maybe during that time they can have a profound experience but all we can do is hope.

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  2. And hoping is exactly what i'm doing. Thanks "Dad and Mom". As this has settled in my heart this morning, I've realized I almost expected this, and also, I've not seen very much of my daughter lately. I've seen her body. But my real daughter hasn't looked at me very often from those green eyes in a long while. She is so lost. I am hoping she will be found (reached and persuaded to come back to the sober home by her former sponsor or arrested) so that she can then TRULY find herself. I am not sure that last sentence made sense!

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  3. I hope so too...I am praying for all of you today.

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  4. ugh. it is so hard to sit by and watch, and wait. Hold onto hope.

    Cat

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  5. One good thing about keeping this blog is you can go back and read your posts. Has this happened again and again? Are you hopeful, then devastated? Have you spent countless days (months, years) of your life trying to figure out when she was lying (re: last post)? That's how my blog is...same thing, different day.

    I wish you could find a good AlAnon group in your area. The time you spent driving her around yesterday, you could have gone to a meeting. The time you spend trying to figure out what "supporting recovery" means, you could have found peace and comfort. It only takes one family member to change, and that usually ain't the addict:(

    You are such a sweet person. May you realize you can live a joyous and free life whether your daughter is using or not. I'm with you today in spirit, and tonight in prayer.

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  6. I'm incredibly sad for you today; and you and DD2 will remain strongly in my prayers. I especially will be praying for the police to find her before the "worst" happens. Don't give up hope but in the meantime, take care of yourself. :(

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  7. What a dark hour to be living through. Know that we are walking it with you. I think Lou is speaking some truths, right up above me there.

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  8. It hurt to read this. I hope that she goes to jail and they keep her there long enough for her to get a clear mind again. I am so sorry. Like Lou said, you are such a sweet person, no one deserves this life and that's what makes it so hard to see. What addicts do to those around them. I'm thinking of you, praying for you and here for you.

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  9. I'm thinking of you and DD2. God walks with her. He will never abandon her. And He loves her even more than you do. Because He is a Power greater than you, maybe you can place her in His hands one hour at a time.

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  10. Oh God this is hard. I hated reading this....it is just so damn painful!!! Keep us posted please. I am praying for you and her. ((HUG)) Wish I was closer...we could sit and wait together.

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  11. Thank you all - the comments are so helpful. I have indeed placed her in His hands. I did that a long time ago, when I accepted that I myself was absolutely powerless to bring about any sort of change for her. But I can pray and I can hope!

    And I can get my work done and spend some time with DD1. And walk some dogs (thereby walking myself!) :)

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  12. I will pray for a divine intervention today. Wish I was close enough to give you a huge hug!

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  13. I am so sorry you have to deal with this. I will pray for your daughter the same way I pray for mine: God, please let her get caught before it is too late. We all are patiently waiting with you.

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  14. i'm with you. as are all the rest of us. damn.

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  15. I have so much respect for you...I can feel your pain and I am so sad. Praying the right things happen and it all falls into place.

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  16. Oh I'm so sorry to hear this. For me, the man I was with at the end of my using was as much an obession as the dope. I thought of him and drugs as ONE thing. It's hard to explain. When I got sober....he didn't seem like "all that" anymore.
    When I was around "normal" people I felt so "disgusting/low life" but when I was with him I was "somebody special-he would say".
    I know that is not any kind of excuse of course, but it felt so good to have someone think I was wonderful, no one in my family thought that because I really wasn't wonderful....they knew this and so did I.
    I'm hoping your daughters boyfriend gets locked up or dumps her or something...so that she can just face one addiction.
    Did any of that make sense?
    I'm sorry you're hurting.

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  17. Pray and have faith.
    God bless her

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  18. I'm sorry this is so difficult...I feel sad for you, for her, for everyone caught up in this terrible disease. xxxx

    There is an award for you at mine, if you feel like picking it up it's there. XXX

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  19. I'm not sure why, but I can't access your most recent post (after this one). Did you change something with your web site? When I click on the post, it says the page doesn't exist, but obviously I can get here!

    Regardless, still thinking of you and DD2 and praying for both of you.

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  20. As 'sick' as my daughter is, and has been, SHE is the one who has been the most 'in tune' to me. SHE's the one who always wanted me to call her when I got home from traveling/being on the road. SHE's the one who asked me the most important questions and said what I needed to hear when I called home from Africa. Her current isolation and withdrawal in to the drug world and her addiction, breaks my heart.

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