Thursday, February 18, 2010

Drama and Trauma

Edit: to "Dad" - Thank you for your generous offer to meet a plane and deliver my daughter to a treatment center. (She's 27, no benefits.) One thing my husband and I agree on, is no more rehab paid for by us. We just can't. I don't want to retire and roll around in piles of money, but I want to retire and know my little cottage on a small chunk of land someplace is paid for and I will not starve. Again, thank you SO much for your offer. I would do the same for any of us in our blogging community....

She called at 11:30 or 12 noon, screaming from the roadside. They had argued, and it got fairly violent with yelling and alledgedly, with slapping going on (both involved). She grabbed the wheel and yanked it at one point and the truck hit a post. He was able to stop. No one was hurt. She got out and ran, supposedly thinking he was angry enough to maybe hurt her. She called us as she was running and was basically screaming that she wanted to die, that she had killed the relationship.

She had been supposed to call the detox at 1 PM. We got to where she was and took her back to the scene of the accident in case police were called and she needed to make a statement. The truck tire was flat, bumper was half torn off on right front. His brother and he were leaving in his brother’s truck. We stopped beside each other long enough for DH to ask if they were going to report it, and did they need a statement. When he determined Boyfriend was emotional, not angry, he got out to speak to him and I got out too.

He begged us to get her some help and he stated he was going to have to take care of himself. He said he’d be fine, he just couldn’t be fine with her. He was shaking, unable to focus his eyes, teary and obviously "out of his mind on speed". He admitted that. He and his brother left and we got back in our car. My daughter had just stayed in the back seat crying. She has repeatedly said she wants to die. Someone more professional than I will have to determine if she is attention-seeking or sincere.

She called the detox, still crying. She was told to call back at 4 PM. She called Probation, who wanted to see her before she went in to detox, if there was a bed. Probation said for her to come in. She went. Loooooooong wait with her while we watched her officer toss another person’s car for drugs. She finally got in, and her officer asked me to accompany them. Ugh.

In the office, Probation grilled her until she finally gave up the fact that she’d been with Boyfriend. She admitted it only after being told that if she didn’t admit what she'd been up to, she’d be arrested instead of being released to go to detox. She was mouth-swabbed for the records, and photos were taken of her arms (cut to ribbons). Probation called the detox (it was 3 PM by then) and got her cleared to come right over. We dropped her there, with her bag of clothes, PJs, sweatshirt, toiletries. We can call after about 48 hours if we like and visit during certain hours.


I’m in no hurry to do that. I want her to focus on her. But that’s up to her.


After seven days, they will boot her out of Roque Center detox. She will then have to start calling to see if she can get a bed in an actual treatment center. Probation wants to see her immediately after she is released.

I think, but must confirm, that the Salvation Army would take her that day after a phone interview.

It is my feeling today (which obviously can change because I'm all over the board emotionally), that if she can't get into any of the placers she wants (Villa, Roque Center treatment unit, Cooper, Nancy Clark, etc), but she is TURNING DOWN a bed at Salvation Army, I will simply tell her she has to stay somewhere else to make the calls to get where she wishes to be. That attitude from her at that point would demonstrate a lack of necessary willingness. DH is already saying he doesn't like my viewpoint.

I got home and Boyfriend’s mom had called. I returned her call and she told me they could have been killed because of my daughter’s actions and told me in no uncertain terms that she felt the two of them should not be together for a long, long time, if ever. I heartily agreed, but carefully stated I hoped that our children understood that also. That obviously we could not keep them apart. She ended the conversation and that was that.

I’m going to have some dinner and get horizontal. Long day. She is safe and getting a six day binge out of her system. I have a seven day reprieve before this is in my face again. G'nite!

22 comments:

  1. Damn.
    When Anthony detoxed at Rocque Center he got out and had to start calling daily till they had a bed, it took him about a week to get one. He refused to go to Salvation Army and slept in a friend's car for a week (except the last night I let him stay here). Why does it have to be so hard to get in recovery when you WANT it? Salvation Army, to me, is not the same as a Rehab.

    Will they be evaluating her mental health? I hope so. I know meds have helped Keven feel normal enough to cope with life.

    Get a good night's sleep. It will get better, this could be the turning point.

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  2. Yeah, seems kind of convoluted to me that a freshly detoxed person is expected to maintain that status on the outside, while waiting for a bed. But ultimately, this is up to her. I can't do this for her. I feel strongly that she should not come here. I have told two of her friends who called tonight to check on her (each with significant clean time) to please put out the word at meetings that she may need a place to couch surf until a treatment bed opens up. I guess DH could decide to bring her here again. But I am completely opposed to that. It would be insanity to do that again, in my opinion. Maybe I'm just pissed today....dunno!

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  3. Why does everybody refuse to go to the Salvation Army? It's a nicer place than any of the others mentioned...and it's free for 6 months!

    Oh well, God protected everybody today. I think you've earned some time for peace and quiet.

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  4. I don't know why there is hesitation over Salvation Army. She did call them today, en route to the Roque Center and said she would definitely consider it. Also one of her friends who called tonight spoke highly of it, and will be visiting her soon, so maybe she can fill her in on how nice it is. DH's friend is on their board, and he said she should have no trouble getting in... Probation said there might be a short wait... it will be up to my daughter to dig for her answers!

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  5. What an unbelievable day! You must be exhausted! Take the 7 days and try to get some serenity - well, probably 6 days... then you'll need your strength. Whatever you and DH decide at that time will be best - just a couple days to think about it will do a world of good!
    I'm sorry, but I can't help but be upset with Le Boyfriend's mother. A situation like this takes two to happen, but at least you sound like you're not holding a resentment - guess I shouldn't either!
    Rest in knowing she is safe tonight.
    God bless.

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  6. Wow, what a day. I imagine you are completely wiped out, I know the feeling, I have had days like this. It is a shame that they make rehab so hard to get into and I have never understood that. I know you have been through a lot as I have been reading your blog for quite a while now. My heart breaks for you and the strength it takes you to be able to keep to your boundaries and let go. That is such a hard thing to do when it keeps being thrown at you, over and over. God bless you my dear and your lovely daughter. Oh, and I agree with Heather's Mom above, Le Boyfriend's mother must have realized that her son was driving the vehicle high as a kite! Sorry, just pissed me off that she felt the urge to call you and throw the blame all on your daughter. I will let it go now:)

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  7. I pray that your daughter grows weary of this, weary enough to do whatever it takes. Parents always like to think it's the other kid's fault. I had a really great mom hold up an 8x10 high school sports photo of her son wearing a football uniform. He had been the quarterback of the team. "This is the way my son used to look," she said. She sort of thought that he went downhill after meeting my daughter. I sort of thought that my daughter went downhill after meeting her son (who introduced my daughter to drugs). We hugged. To save her son's life, this mom purchased a ticket and flew him to another country where he is living sober today years later. I offered to pitch in as long as the ticket was one-way only. Months later, to save my daughter's life, I drove her out of the state to rehab - which she only went to because we initiated the paperwork to have her court-ordered to treatment. It's all a nightmare. Get some rest, my friend.

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  8. Sorry to comment again. Just wanted to clarify that all the actions I wrote about in my previous comment taken by my family and the mother of the boyfriend were examples of how we used to plunk ourselves in the middle of every high drama. Years of drama. That was before we learned that we are powerless over this disease. It was a blessed day for our family when we stopped playing the roles of the rescuers. Didn't want to even insinuate that you guys should ride in on a white horse. When you run out of energy, start wearing down and have no strength to help, pray. People in recovery seem to say it was God who pulled them out, not mom and dad.

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  9. Oh my...If I could hug you I would. My husband and I are quickly heading down this road. I have not blogged about it yet but big things happening here at home. I am watching and learning from you. You are helping me so much. Thank you for sharing your life with us. I know with unfortunate certainty that my son will be in a similar situation very soon. I am praying for us all and really hoping god is listening.

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  10. Treatment a rehab centers vary so much around the country as far as beds and availability. I do not know you daughters insurance, financial situation or yours either. However, my son went to Valley Hope here in KS twice. If there are no other options and she is willing to come to KS, call Valley Hope. If they can take her, when she lands in Kansas City I will pick her up at the airport and deliver her straight to the Valley Hope facility in Atchison if you you want to go that route.

    Valley Hope info: http://www.valleyhope.com/

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  11. I know everyone is trying to help, but I personally hope you do not make any calls or make any arrangements on her behalf. She has been at this a long time, and knows exactly what to do if she wants to get clean.

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  12. I have to agree with Lou's comment, although I am 100% I have not learned to control the urge to rescue. It is a really hard lesson for parents that love their adult children through everything.

    Rest and take care of yourself during this reprieve. You continue to be strong with your boundaries and I hope that you and DH can get on the same page moving forward. Prayers and hugs to you.

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  13. I can't think of one thing Lou has ever written that I ever disagreed with. Seriously.

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  14. i'm with Lou. take a drama vacay and stay out of it permanently. doesn't matter what the living situation, if an addict wants to stay clean, they do.

    you didn't cause it, you cannot control it and you cannot cure it.

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  15. I am so sorry that you had such a tumultuous day. The amazing thing is that everyone is still alive. Now, you need to crash and sleep, sleep, sleep. Let the rest of us hold your worries for the night. You just rest my friend.

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  16. Wow - - - the drama sounds so familiar. It's just exhausting, isn't it? In the end, there is probably nothing 'we' can do, yet why do we feel so guilty? I know that the addict has to ultimately want recovery bad enough to make it happen for themselves. Yet, there are so many barriers - it all seems so overwhelming and somewhat impossible. I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop with my own daughter, Hayley. I know that she will be calling soon, in crisis and wanting/needing help. I'm reading all of my blogger friends' words and advice, desperately hoping that I can be strong and do what's truly best for Hayley when the time comes, not just doing what temporarily eases my own anxiety. My daughter is incredibly resourceful in getting her drugs and finding places to live. She somehow talked a cab driver in to driving her back here when she walked out of medical detox, 175 miles away - - - and she didn't have a cent on her. I have to believe that she knows what she needs to do to change her miserable lifestyle. And yet, how long will it take? Will she survive long enough to find the resolve to get clean? Hang in there. I feel your pain and empathasize with your dilemma. I do think you're probably doing the right thing by letting your daughter find her own way. She does know what to do. Peggy

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  17. I have never seen any reason why parents of adult children should visit them in re-hab. Believe me, our parents never crossed our minds while we were out there using.
    Being able to depend on oneself and not parents and lovers while in rehab can go a long way.

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  18. Poor Momma. I have to say I agree with your viewpoint...if Salvation Army isn't ok, I wouldn't do much more for her. In my thinking if she was really ready, she would be willing to do anything, go anywhere, to get well. Be strong. ((HUG))

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  19. In 20 years I've never heard one person say they got clean/sober because Mom and Dad rescued them. I've heard person after person say they got clean or sober after burning all the bridges with family and friends. When you want recovery bad enough to go to any lengths, that's when you get it. Just a thought.

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  20. I've just caught up....so sorry. I don't know what to say other than I am thinking of you all. It is an all consuming disease that doesn't seem to stop spreading throughout the family causing untold pain. Take lots of care of yourselves. XX

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  21. You are in my prayers. Been there, done that. Now that I don't see her anymore, life is much calmer but a dark cloud of uncertainty is always hanging over me. God bless.

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  22. I am just now reading this. It made my heart ache but it also made me feel a spark of anger. What a mess people make of their lives and then attempt to ruin others as well. I hope that you will have some peace in knowing that she has choices, can get a place to stay if she wants, and will do what is necessary to survive if she has to. Your survival and life needs to be a priority for you.

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