Sunday, February 28, 2010
There is no news. I haven't heard from her at all since I hugged her and left her on Thursday. Until I have reason to think otherwise, I'm choosing to think this is good. She's still breathing. I'll take it! Wishing us all a peaceful and restful Sunday!
Friday, February 26, 2010
At 7:00 am this morning, her former sponsor called me to tell me that she never came home last night.
She's pretty convinced DD2 is with the Boyfriend. He wasn't really talking to her yesterday, but I really figured they'd be talking again soon. I hoped however, that they would not get together. Her probation officer had said that he turned himself in on Monday and was "doing what he needed to do." I was hopeful about that.
If her sponsor isn't able to get my daughter to return to the sober home by about 3 pm today, she's going to just call Probation and report it. This hopefully would eventually result in arrest. My daughter's admitted goal while she was on her last run was to use enough to kill herself. So I'm hoping that they are able to arrest her sooner rather than later. Arrest is the only thing that stops her.
But frankly, I don't think that an arrest, or continuing this revolving door in and out of jail would accomplish much. My daughter just doesn't seem able to do this. She's broken. She asked me again yesterday if I thought she could do it. Yesterday, I told her once again, "I know you can!"
But today, I just don't think she will. I will never give up hope. But I feel that I'm hoping for something that will never be.
I guess today will be one of those one hour at a time days... I have work to do, and I have other family members to love and care for, and what will be will be!
Thursday, February 25, 2010
A response to this question was posted at recoveryhelpdesk.com.
RecoveryHelpDesk suggests: "People lie about use because they don’t want to face the consequences of being honest. Often these consequences are reactive and counter-productive to long term recovery.
Perhaps people are wise to want to avoid them.
The lying ends, of course, when it is safe to tell the truth
This happens when the person stops using and feels the safety of a stable recovery.”
Here are some thoughts off the top of my head.... i.e., My Opinion... and that's all it is, is an OPINION.
(Take what you need or agree with, and leave the rest, etc! And please share Your Opinion... I'm still learning!) In fact, in this post, I'm thinking out loud and just getting my thoughts down.
This seems to suggest “the lying would end when there are no (or reduced) consequences to admitting they are using.” I’ve read the article several times. I absolutely may be mis-reading it, or taking away from it something different than what RecoveryHelpDesk meant. If so, I truly apologize....
Anyway, I feel that if The Truth is that my addict is using, in my opinion there should be some consequences. These consequences help protect my own personal boundaries. A few examples: I will not live in a house where drugs are being used. If my addict is using, she is not going to live here and perhaps will not be permitted to even visit here for a while. Why should I risk losing another camera, Ipod, or having my bank account hacked online from my own computer while I am in the shower? Why should I have to lock up valuables in order to open the front door to her?
If I let her keep coming home each time she relapses and gets clean in jail or detox, instead of taking away that privilege as a consequence of using and then stealing from us, am I not just setting us all up to go through it again?
That doesn’t mean I would not meet her elsewhere, share a meal, be in her life, etc.
Another example: Why should I provide a car for her to use to get to work if she is using? The inevitable conclusion there is that there will be less and less days where she will make it to work, and more and more days that I will run the increased risk of financial hardship when she plows through a red light while loaded and injures someone and my insurance rates go up (or there is a personal lawsuit from the injured party/family because we knew she was an addict and still gave her the killing tool--the car)?
Believe me....that happens! And even if you are proven not liable? You could bankrupt yourself proving it in court. Lawyers are e$pen$ive.
That doesn’t mean that I will not meet her, as I am today, and enthusiastically hand her a sack lunch and take her to an intake evaluation for possible inpatient treatment (county paid).
If she chooses to use, there are using friends who can and do assist her, and she assists them, in the business of daily living as an addict. She never fails to manage to get a room for the night, food to eat, clothing to wear, and medical care. She may steal. She may not pay her bills (such as her two recent overnight stays in the emergency room for IV antibiotic administration for a widespread staph infection), but the care is available. "Addicts are remarkably resilient", to quote another blogger.
I will not help her under those circumstances. If she is using, she has my love, she has my encouragement, and she knows this. She simply will not have certain “comforts” and “privileges” while using, because I choose to protect my own home environment from seeing and experiencing her lifestyle, up close and personal, 24/7.
“Often these consequences are counter productive to long term recovery.”
Okay, here's my confusion on that statement. In the ten years I’ve been dealing with this in my family, I’ve not heard of one addict who got clean and stayed clean, while not experiencing consequences, or while sitting around, warm and cozy, with full rights and privileges normally given a non-using, productive member of society. If I could get loaded and there would be no consequences, where is my motive to ever stop?
I’m just thinking out loud here. This is still, after ten years, a learning process. We tried the whole gamut of responses to her addiction:
from insurance-provided treatment when she was younger, to treatment we have helped pay for,
from letting her live with us and the unfortunate results which always included her leaving anyway, to telling her she can no longer live here,
from paying for sober homes while she is looking for work fresh out of jail, to having a clearly stated endpoint to that sort of help and backing off and allowing her the dignity of assuming her own care.
I am wide open to hearing other opinions. If I have completely misinterpreted the article, I apologize and I would truly like to learn/understand something that might help my family/my addict.
The post also stated, "If you don’t like the lies, your best option is to help create a recovery environment that supports your loved one in becoming more open with you."
I feel a little differently - I think my best option is to support and love her from a distance while SHE creates her own recovery environment, i.e., works, lives in a sober home, attends meetings, works the steps, etc. If she does those things, she creates exactly what she needs and derives some pride/satisfaction from having created it herself.
(Because lying is such a constant with an addict, I don't make decisions based on what I hear. I go by what I see (she's paying her rent means she is working), or by how the words are conveyed (body language, tension, calmness, etc).
Since there are consequences to certain truths at my house, the lying stops not when it is safe to tell the truth (I'm using); the lying stops when the truth is safe to tell (I'm not using).
Perhaps I am saying the same thing, as the RecoveryHelpDesk's last sentence I quoted above? "This happens when the person stops using and feels the safety of a stable recovery." Your thoughts?
Update: I picked up my daughter from detox. I told her of her former sponsor's offer of a bed in her sober home from which she can make calls to try to get into inpatient treatment. Probation approved her living there. I drove her to her intake appointment at the Villa. She was told the wait could be 4+ weeks, but she knows that if she calls every single day, she moves up on that list and the wait gets considerably shorter. She will also get appointments for other intake evaluations at places like Phoenix House, Salvation Army, etc. I dropped her and her clothing at the sober home and her former sponsor will meet with her there later this evening if possible. DD2 asked if we could meet for lunch this weekend and I said "Sure!" She's been out of detox a couple of hours and already has three possible jobs lined up which may permit her to work until admission for treatment, go into the 30 day lockdown portion of treatment and then come back to work during the subsequent 60 days of treatment when she is expected to be working outside. I know she can do this. I hope and pray that she will! I love her so much!
Edit from RecoveryHelpDesk:
Tom sent me an expansion on his post that helped me understand a LOT more of the concepts he was trying to convey. He couldn't get it to post as a comment (too long, I think) and he sent it to me in an email - the only way I could figure to get it on here was as an addendum to my post!
Thank you Tom!! I really appreciate it and I do understand more clearly what you were saying. You have some different and new (to me) methods and I am grateful for your further explanation. Thank you for your thoughtful reply!!
I've been trying to leave this comment...maybe you could post it for me.
Are you ever in the chat room at junkjunk.ning.com? I'd enjoy chatting
with you some time!
Thanks for reading my blog, commenting on my blog, thinking about what I
wrote, and being so kind and gentle in your sharing of a different
perspective! I appreciate all that.
I also appreciate you pointing out where I could stand to clarify…
When I say that people often lie to avoid the consequences of telling the
truth about drug use, I’m just making an observation.
I don’t seek to impose consequences for a few reasons:
1. They aren’t very effective (check out the relapse rate after release
from jail, or the ER)
2. Major consequences already exist (overdose, HIV, Hep C, loss of money,
loss of family, loss of child custody, loss of job, loss of housing,
negative emotions etc.), and I don’t need to add more
3. I want to establish a therapeutic relationship with my clients and not
a power relationship with my clients (I’m a counselor not a probation
4. Focus on consequences is ineffective and removes focus from what is
effective… putting together a realistic and workable recovery plan,
removing barriers to recovery, supporting recovery, reducing harm, and not
adding to harm
I would also like to be clear that I encourage parents to set boundaries
to protect themselves and other family members, but not to impose
“consequences” in the sense of “punishments” intended to somehow force
Not having somebody live with you who is likely to steal is an example of
a good boundary to set for your own benefit. It may also be a
consequence, but it is much more likely to be an effective personal
boundary than an effective incentive for recovery.
Also, let me clarify what I mean when I said,
“Often these consequences are counter productive to long term recovery.”
Let me give a common example:
Client has a probation officer who says, “I’m here to help you, I just
need you to be honest with me.”
Client has a recovery plan, get’s into treatment, gets a place to live and
a job. This isn’t easy.
Client relapses. Client is “honest” with the PO. PO puts client in jail
for their “safety.”
PO does not allow for the relapse response plan to go into effect. As a
result, a minor relapse results in discharge from treatment, loss of
housing, loss of job, loss of trust in the system and the process.
People sometimes take years to come back from this kind of a set back. It
may be years before they even feel able to try again.
The consequence was reactive and counter-productive to long term recovery.
As I like to say, real recovery is safe and sustainable.
The PO put the person at risk (decreasing safety not increasing safety).
And instead of helping to re-stabilize the person following a relapse,
they caused the person to become significantly more destabilized.
The medicine was worse than the ailment.
Her Big Sad wrote, “In the ten years I’ve been dealing with this in my
family, I’ve not heard of one addict who got clean and stayed clean, while
not experiencing consequences, or while sitting around, warm and cozy,
with full rights and privileges normally given a non-using, productive
member of society.”
In my experience, people suffer more than enough consequences without
needing to have more imposed in the name of recovery. I have helped
hundreds of clients successfully transition from current use to long term
recovery without imposing a single consequence.
In fact, my program is built on a “low threshold” model. For example, we
work with people and respect them in the same way whether they are using
or not using.
We don’t require people to have appointments (walk-ins are fine). There
are no consequences for missed appointments other than a phone call
checking in to see how the client is doing and inviting them to reschedule
or stop in when they have time.
Our focus is on enabling recovery. To do that, we need to be in contact
with our clients whether or not they are using, whether they are in jail
or out of jail, and whether life is such that they can keep appointments
We need them to feel safe communicating openly with us so that we can help
them problem solve. We need to be on the same side –and it has to feel
like we are on the same side.
Consequences are not useful to us.
If you haven’t already, I would ask you to read my post about “hitting
bottom,” because I think it will add to this.
So when I say, “If you don’t like the lies, your best option is to help
create a recovery environment that supports your loved one in becoming
more open with you,” I’m advocating for taking this kind of approach as a
Set appropriate boundaries for yourself (and explain them in that way),
but don’t try to assert control by imposing consequences.
Your power to contribute in a positive way to your child’s recovery comes
from your status as a parent. Your appropriate support is highly
meaningful and effective.
Her Big Sad also said, “Since there are consequences to certain truths at
my house, the lying stops not when it is safe to tell the truth (I’m
using); the lying stops when the truth is safe to tell (I’m not using).”
The problem with this approach is that you may not hear the truth until
(unless) your daughter is already successful in recovery.
As a treatment provider, I’m not satisfied with the “wait until they hit
bottom” approach, or the “come talk to me when you are already sober”
approach. I want to intervene now, build motivation to change in a
positive way, and support recovery every step of the way.
This is an approach that can work for parents too.
My point is that by letting go of the need to control or impose
consequences you can place yourself in a better position to be a part of a
process that results in earlier and more effective recovery.
I realize this is a non-traditional approach. But I think it is a more
effective approach, and one that is more respectful of individual dignity
and choice. It also is more humane.
I’ve got lots of personal experience with this approach, and I know it works.
Thank you for contributing to an interesting and respectful conversation.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
She wants to come home. No way, I say.
If she accepts the option that sort of landed in our laps, great! She will have a place to make her calls and sleep. If she agrees, when I drop her at Probation, she will have her appointment with her and give her the information. We will proceed to the first treatment intake appointment which is scheduled for tomorrow afternoon and then to the place that was offered to her. If she does not accept the option, or if she has not located a place on her own by that time, I will leave her at the Villa for that appointment as planned. I'll just go home! She has a cell phone, and she can start calling for other places to stay from their front porch. 'Tis up to her.
Coming home is not being offered. (Subject to DH changing his mind, etc. Sigh.)
I will show support, and love, encourage her, and leave and let go. It is up to her. She is mourning her perceived loss of Boyfriend, whom I do not for one moment think is going to remain lost to her. That’s up to her too.
I’m going to come home tomorrow evening and go to my sewing room. I sewed the blocks you see below last night. The big one is a 10-1/2 inch square, the little ones are 5-1/2 inches square. After they are sewn into a finished quilt, they will be 10 inches and 5 inches finished.
The 5 inch ones are challenging - almost 30 pieces in 5 inches square.
(click to embiggen but don't look too closely at the stitching!)
DH and I are a bit alike with stress. He cleans. Every time he’s gotten fired, he’s cleaned out the garage. A clean garage now makes me nervous!
Funny story: he never tells me he’s fired. He tapes down the light bulb in the fridge so it won’t turn on, symbolic of our sudden need to be even more frugal. I open the door and Ooops! I know exactly what’s happened. I also know where to look for him for details. I head to the garage!
I don’t mean to make it sound like he gets fired regularly, but after 30 years, the four or so jobs that have ended for him in that fashion have created a silly bit of tradition for us. The tradition has spread from him – when our oldest got laid off last year, it was the first thing she did when she got home with her box of desk supplies and personal belongings! We laughed! In the face of what should have devastated her! She was grinning from ear to ear – she felt like a REAL grownup cos she had been through something like her dad, and she could carry on the goofy tradition! Apparently when my “son” got laid off two weeks ago – he did it at his house!
I sew for a hobby, and I’m passionate about quilting. But when stressed, I sew for peace. I think it is the measuring, cutting, fitting, pressing, and the precision along the way that calms my mind!
I'm staying focused on our blessings today!
Monday, February 22, 2010
Thursday, February 18, 2010
She called at 11:30 or 12 noon, screaming from the roadside. They had argued, and it got fairly violent with yelling and alledgedly, with slapping going on (both involved). She grabbed the wheel and yanked it at one point and the truck hit a post. He was able to stop. No one was hurt. She got out and ran, supposedly thinking he was angry enough to maybe hurt her. She called us as she was running and was basically screaming that she wanted to die, that she had killed the relationship.
She had been supposed to call the detox at 1 PM. We got to where she was and took her back to the scene of the accident in case police were called and she needed to make a statement. The truck tire was flat, bumper was half torn off on right front. His brother and he were leaving in his brother’s truck. We stopped beside each other long enough for DH to ask if they were going to report it, and did they need a statement. When he determined Boyfriend was emotional, not angry, he got out to speak to him and I got out too.
He begged us to get her some help and he stated he was going to have to take care of himself. He said he’d be fine, he just couldn’t be fine with her. He was shaking, unable to focus his eyes, teary and obviously "out of his mind on speed". He admitted that. He and his brother left and we got back in our car. My daughter had just stayed in the back seat crying. She has repeatedly said she wants to die. Someone more professional than I will have to determine if she is attention-seeking or sincere.
She called the detox, still crying. She was told to call back at 4 PM. She called Probation, who wanted to see her before she went in to detox, if there was a bed. Probation said for her to come in. She went. Loooooooong wait with her while we watched her officer toss another person’s car for drugs. She finally got in, and her officer asked me to accompany them. Ugh.
In the office, Probation grilled her until she finally gave up the fact that she’d been with Boyfriend. She admitted it only after being told that if she didn’t admit what she'd been up to, she’d be arrested instead of being released to go to detox. She was mouth-swabbed for the records, and photos were taken of her arms (cut to ribbons). Probation called the detox (it was 3 PM by then) and got her cleared to come right over. We dropped her there, with her bag of clothes, PJs, sweatshirt, toiletries. We can call after about 48 hours if we like and visit during certain hours.
I’m in no hurry to do that. I want her to focus on her. But that’s up to her.
After seven days, they will boot her out of Roque Center detox. She will then have to start calling to see if she can get a bed in an actual treatment center. Probation wants to see her immediately after she is released.
I think, but must confirm, that the Salvation Army would take her that day after a phone interview.
It is my feeling today (which obviously can change because I'm all over the board emotionally), that if she can't get into any of the placers she wants (Villa, Roque Center treatment unit, Cooper, Nancy Clark, etc), but she is TURNING DOWN a bed at Salvation Army, I will simply tell her she has to stay somewhere else to make the calls to get where she wishes to be. That attitude from her at that point would demonstrate a lack of necessary willingness. DH is already saying he doesn't like my viewpoint.
I got home and Boyfriend’s mom had called. I returned her call and she told me they could have been killed because of my daughter’s actions and told me in no uncertain terms that she felt the two of them should not be together for a long, long time, if ever. I heartily agreed, but carefully stated I hoped that our children understood that also. That obviously we could not keep them apart. She ended the conversation and that was that.
I’m going to have some dinner and get horizontal. Long day. She is safe and getting a six day binge out of her system. I have a seven day reprieve before this is in my face again. G'nite!
As far as an update: I ratted.
Probation and I talked this morning. She needed my fax number to send the referral for DD2’s outpatient treatment program. I answered P.O.’s questions honestly, including the one about when I’d seen DD2 last….. which was last Friday. I told her once we knew what was going on, we’d told her that she could not come home. I told her that DD2 is supposedly calling treatment centers each morning and hoped to get in, admitted using, etc. Probation told me to tell her to call her, that she’d be helpful if DD2 approached her, but would have no course but to violate/arrest her, if P.O. had to come and find her.
Ironically, or was it a God-thing?, I hung up from Probation and DD2 called within nanoseconds. She’s to call back one of the treatment centers today at 1 PM, highly likely she’ll get in. She will need a ride. I agreed to pick her up (with DH, bad part of town) and take her in, and bring a small bag of clothing/pjs.
I mentioned what Probation and I had talked moments earlier and that I had admitted not seeing her for a week. She was fine with that (not that I care if she was fine with that, just helps me gauge where she is mentally). She was crying, admitted she is using heroin daily (so she was likely NOT sober from Saturday until yesterday, as she had said yesterday), and wants to quit. She said she was willing to walk away from Boyfriend. He’s out of his mind anyway, thinks there are people in TV watching him and that she’s screwing his brother. Good times. Whatever....not my business.
I told her to let me know what happened at 1 PM and to keep doing the next right thing. Mentioned if she didn’t get in today, it was getting pretty damn close, so keep on calling! Mentioned again that Probation would like to hear from her.
I figured it would take her a few minutes to get the balls to call Probation, so I called back and updated P.O. She was 100% enthusiastic, and said she’d hold off on going after her. Ten minutes later, DD2 called again. She’d spoken with Probation, and if she gets to go into treatment today, we are to pick her up at motel, take her to Probation for a quick face2face, and then drop her at Roque Center.
If she gets the green light to go in today, we will call her from motel lot and have her come out to car. I’m not dealing with Boyfriend while he’s not 100% cognizant of reality. We’ll zip over to Probation, and then to treatment center. From there, she’s on her own to do the hard work.
I don’t know if she’s trying to get a 90 day pajama party out of this (again), or if she’s serious. I’m just doing what I perceive to be the next right thing – if she gets this opportunity, I am providing the requested bag of clothing and a ride to the treatment program and letting go of the outcome. I’ll try to post something later tonight, if I have any news….
Happy Thursday to us all! It’s almost The Weekend!!
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
She called last night at 11 PM several times, and her sister answered it, thinking something was wrong. She was asking for us to pick her up from a questionable area of Santa Ana. Seems Le Boyfriend had ditched her for a bit - was scaring her with some crazy behavior (he's not pretty on speed). I glanced at the local thermometer symbol on my computer (61 degrees and forcast to only drop to the 40s) and said "no." Suggested she call friends in program, or even friends out of program, for a ride and a couch. DH said the same thing. She hung up mad but not ugly about it.
This morning at 7:30, she called me. She had called everywhere on the list, to get a bed in a treatment facility. It's a process that can take a week or two, at best. She has to go to an intake interview for one, she has to do a phone interview for another. The rest she only has to call.
In the meantime, she wanted to stay with us while she got up every day and phoned. She says she hasn't used since Saturday. And that she's "so over this." And willing to leave the Boyfriend behind. He's back with her, and still using. And she said she understands they should not be together; it is a toxic relationship at this point.
I again suggested that she call friends to couch surf until she can get into a place. She mentioned perhaps getting a hotel room today but her money is running out. The shelters here are filled to capacity and the line ups start at 2:30 pm and they are full long before bedtime. She said her friends in program are over her because she's done this so many times. She swears she has no where to go.
I told her that my answer was "no". That I did not think this was healthy for her or us. That her Dad has been sick for four days, coincidentally, starting right when she didn't come back after the first night away with Boyfriend. I said I would ask him when he got home from work and let her know; and that once again, I would not stand in his way.
I don't think this is a good idea. She has lost her job. She would sit here all day. She would make the calls each day and then wait. In the meantime, we would be trying to do our jobs, our chores, our lives, and hoping she doesn't get desparate, steal something and leave?
But she'd be alive and not using, hopefully?
I need the ESH from our little community here. Am I thinking clearly?
My heart thinks it probably should listen to my brain. My brain says, "get out of her way." My heart is afraid that she will then give up and because everyone has rejected her, continue to use or worse, possibly overdose. (She has threatened suicide in the past, resulting in two 5150 admissions to the psych hospital.)
And of course, there is the memory of the lovely incident 15 months ago where she came over here in a drug-fueled rage and walked through the plate glass living room window to get into the house.
Your thoughts? (Thanks in advance for any comments!)
DH called her and told her "no." In keeping with his emotional stage in this right now (angry), he mentioned to her that we've tried having her here (several times) and this time she didn't even make it "two f#%king weeks!" (My emotional stage was "angry/scared" yesterday and "heartbroken/scared" today! I'm thinking it may be a good thing that we're not on the same emotional page!)
He asked her what her plans were, and for now they are going to live in the truck and continue calling for beds. After the conversation which ended with them both telling each other that they loved each other no matter what, he came to me and told me if I wanted to put her in a sober home to continue the calling process, if she is not arrested, or if Boyfriend gets a bed first, that he would not object to that.
So for now, the answer to staying here is "no, pretty much forever", and the answer to possibly assisting with housing until she's in treatment is "no, not yet". She is unaware of the possibility of assistance with housing - she had not even asked for it. That was one of my suggestions and he remains open to that in the future, as a possibility. We are both relatively comfortable not offering that, or giving it if asked, just yet.
Thanks for any past and future comments on this post - I am still interested in all feedback as it will assist us in clarity of thinking as this situation unfolds!
Back to work for me!
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
She asked if she could come home. I asked if she could test clean. She said she could not. I said that I did not feel she should come home.
I asked if she could go to Probation for help (if you come in "dirty" asking for help, they are more likely not to bust you, but work with you for a program?). She said she'd be given the same list she already had in her purse, of places to call each morning at 7 AM, hoping to locate an open bed. She wanted to come home to stay til she got a bed. She asked if Dad would let her do that.
He was asleep when she called (after worrying about her most of the night) and so I suggested she use what was left of her paycheck to do that from a sober home. I also told her that I would ask him when he got up, and not stand in his way if he wanted to consider that option.
I told her I loved her. That I'd gladly, if I could, flip a switch and take that addiction from her if I knew she would NEVER want it again, would even be repulsed by any drug out there. But that I haven't got a magic switch and no matter how much I love her, I can't do it. Only SHE can do it.
I told her I believed in her. That I know she CAN do it. That I've SEEN her do it. And that I hoped she would keep in touch with us and let us know where she landed, if she got into a detox, or a program, and that if she was doing the work and allowed visitors, I'd certainly cheer, come and visit and hug, etc. But that I can't do this for her.
While I think separating from the boyfriend would be extremely helpful, I suggested if they could not do that, perhaps they consider trying to get into the detox at Staunton or one like it, together (coed). Any detox is better than no detox.
I reiterated to her how much she is Loved. Treasured. Wanted. Prayed for. Hoped for. And again, LOVED. She said she loved us and that she would let us know what was going on. She was crying.
DH got up from his nap and I filled him in.... he has decided she is not coming home. I will pack up her stuff from the living room tomorrow and get it out of sight in the garage.... My oldest daughter has GOT to focus during this most difficult semester (one midterm is this Thursday), and hopefully a more normal landscape and two parents who appear in control of themselves, will help her. We simply can't all go down in flames at once.
When I talk with her next, I will remind her there are beds at the Salvation Army right now. That information escaped my feeble mind while I actually had her on the phone. And once again, I'll remind her that she is loved.
Thank you for your prayers and comments!
I mentioned I wasn't sure that was a healthy idea, but that it was up to her.
The next day, she texted her sister that they had gotten the room for another day.
Then on Sunday, she texted her sister the same message.
Monday evening, she sent the same message, only said she was staying at his family's home.
She answered Le Boyfriend's phone this morning and this time confirmed that she had stayed at his family's home last night.
Only problem? I spoke with his mother. Both of us know our addicts are lying. (Now there's a surprise!?) His mom says they (she and her DH) are done. If Le Boyfriend is using, he's on his own, kicked out, no support. She, too, is tired of this rollercoaster wrecking her life and her health. She is diabetic, like me, and this wreaks havoc on our blood sugars.
We're probably on the same page ("if she's using, she's out of here"). I can't say that for sure, as my husband is at work and unaware of this morning's conversation with the other brokenhearted mom. He has been so sad the last couple days. It was his wish to bring her home from jail and "send a message about how much she is loved and wanted". Only, once again, she's "not done."
I'm numb, calm, and oddly, more concerned about my husband and oldest daughter than anything. DD1 has GOT to keep it together this semester. That means, we have to keep it together in front of her. She does fine until she sees us disintegrate. I've been sitting here watching my husband worry himself into being ill again. He brought home half a dozen roses for each girl and a dozen for me Saturday and was talking about how nice it was to have all his girls with him for Valentine's day.
And now he opens that door each morning, and there her roses are, with the card he painstakingly chose, never seen by her, beside her empty bed. He wants so badly to believe that everything is okay.
The focus remains to take care of myself, my husband, and encourage DD1 to do the same. I will continue to pray for DD2, that she will come to her senses and find the guts to go to a detox, or that she will be arrested! By her own admission, that is the only way she has been able to stop using in the past.
Back to work for me!
Sunday, February 14, 2010
I would appreciate extra prayers and good thoughts for my daughter ... We are seeing some questionable, disturbing behavior. I do not wish to jump to any conclusions, though DH and I have been eyeing each other every so often and saying "quack" under our breath.
As in, "if it walks like a duck, talks like a duck...." Time will tell. In the meaning, I'm getting some much needed rest because I'm not even sure the last paragraph is coherent!
Anyway, just wanted to mention Kelli's blog (linked above). G'nite!
Friday, February 12, 2010
DH & friends
DH, reading one of his 4,592 newspapers/political magazines, and relaxing with his two biggest rescued dogs, Max (the Wuss) on the left and Tiger (95% pitbull) on the right.
Max was not wanted by his previous owners and evidently deliberately released with no identification. I say that, because he was found by DH, in a big intersection. We put up signs etc... and he escaped from our yard once, only to be found by my oldest daughter coming home from work.... She called and said "Mom, can you open the back gate and put away the other dogs?" *Sigh.*
The owners contacted us, came to pick him up and then mentioned they were going to take him to the pound! They were an odd pair. DH and I said if that was the only option, we'd take him and try to find him a home. DH was going through his mother's death from cancer at the time and bonded with Max and kept saying "but we found him twice, it's meant to be!" He really wanted to keep him. I didn't have the heart to say "no" at such an emotionally bad time for DH..... *Sigh.*
I am terrified of big dogs.... What was I thinking?! (and the group said, "clearly, you were not!")
Max is huge, loud and afraid of small things that beep. When he hears a beep, he has been known to jump out of second story windows to get away from it. Luckily, both times he did that, he was not injured. All sliding windows upstairs now have dowels in them and unless the dowels are removed, can only open 4 inches. Max is very old now and he and I coexist quite peacefully.
Tiger (named for her beautiful brindle color) was found by DD2 on her way to work 10 years ago... right before the addiction madness began. DD2 stopped her car and this dog jumped right in! Despite great efforts, her owners were never found. I call her my studio cat because she likes to lie on my left foot upstairs when I am sewing.
Tiger testing some quilt "string blocks" for softness!
And then she switches sides to give me her woebegone "where-is-your-oldest-daughter" look.
She "rooms" with my oldest (DD1) and is fairly inconsolable when DD1 is away at class, work, etc. She is a love. However, she does not love Sadie, and that is when the "pitbull" surfaces. Therefore, these two ladies are kept apart with well-timed room changes. We call it the Changing of the Guard.
This is DD2's dog, Sadie. She was given Sadie by a friend who raise Shiba Inus and gives them to people in recovery. She brought her home from an NA meeting five (?, I think) years ago, a ten week old bundle of energy and fur and cuteness, and she's lived with us ever since. When DD2 is living at home, she and Sadie are inseparable.
Jerry, a.k.a. TuffBoy
The "Little People". That's our nickname for Jerry (a.k.a. Tuffboy) and Kimi (a.k.a. Kimiko, a.k.a. Gucci). DH found Jerry on the side of a four lane divided road in a desert area, creeping along terrified at sundown, no collar, no one in sight. (If I could keep my DH off the road, I might be able to better control the Dog Population around here!)
DH called me to tell me to "put away the other dogs and bring out some food and water to the front porch" on his way home. We already had four dogs and I turned the air blue trying to convince him to take this dog to the pound on the way home. I had a feeling I was getting nowhere, and asked in desparation, how BIG is it? DH mentioned the dog took up the whole back seat.
Until he pulled all 7 pounds of him out of the front of his jacket. I looked at DH admiringly and said, "You're getting sneaky in your old age!" The little dog crawled into my arms (heart!) and hasn't left. He was underweight, hungry, dirty, and scared. He has a long neck and was so underweight I called him Jerry the Giraffe once, and the name Jerry stuck. We call him TuffBoy because he's so obviously NOT.
Kimi likes to bury herself under towels and then Jerry glues himself to her. Remember how "cute" they are....
Yep, still cute, facing off out in the yard. This is the instant before their daily mad dash which will last ten minutes and result in us laughing hysterically and the dogs getting tired enough to sleep for hours.
The aforementioned Mad Dash, racing around with "Auntie" Sadie in the yard. Click to embiggen pic - this is one of my favorite shots.
Trying to "help" DH get through his 4,592 papers. Maybe not so cute...
Helping with the gardening efforts...
Thursday, February 11, 2010
She’s been out since 2:18 AM, last Wednesday. She’s here. Le Boyfriend got out the very next night, by way of an interesting turn of events and application of time served and time spent in previous court ordered rehab… resulting in a completed sentence and he was released at midnight. No one had any idea that was coming. Apparently they are really trying to reduce population inside.
She’s working. She returned to work the first day her boss would let her, which was this past Monday. She’s riding the bus 1 hour and 15 minutes (if all goes well) each way. She’s going to meetings (the ones probation ordered, and then a few extra beyond that). She’s already contacted and is enrolling in an outpatient six-month treatment program (probation ordered). She’s made an appointment to see county mental health for medication (probation ordered). Hopefully, that means the county will not blow her off like they did last time. She’s already been to see her mentor, Milton, at a meeting, and she said they had a good talk.
She’s seen Le Boyfriend, once for dinner and once before and during a meeting (the dinner was a direct violation of the no-contact order) and she is talking to him on the phone (also a violation). Her business. She’s a big girl and I’m not going to try to direct her affairs. If I were to say she couldn’t see him, then she’d just see him without telling me. I will not be her policeman. If she is violated and sent back in for the rest of her sentence….. oh well!
She’s already asked to stay with us longer than the agreed upon two weeks. Her dad said if it were up to him, she could stay. I have made it clear that I don’t think this is the best option. I have also said I will support whatever he and she work out.
I also said that this is subject to frequent re-evaluation on both our parts and if this is not working for her, or this is not working for me/us, then she will be expected to find another place. She’s paying a nominal amount of rent, as her sister does. We pretty much pump that money back into the increased power bill, hot water bill, and use it on bulk food runs to Costco or Sams for veggie burgers and fresh vegetables and fruits. Both daughters are packing lunches daily and cooking for themselves at night. With everyone’s varied schedule, family dinners just don’t happen. But there are a lot of impromptu and laughter-filled conversations taking place in the kitchen as we pass each other. I will admit to soaking up the good moments like a sponge this past week and savoring them.
DD1 is tackling her hardest semester in her paralegal certification program, so the timing is not the best, as she writes 30 page papers, etc, but the sisters are still carving out moments here and there to talk, prepare food, and run to Target for the occasional quick shopping.
DD2 is pretty much on her best behavior. She is handling the occasional static around here in fairly mature fashion. I won’t go into details, but the family dynamics are sometimes challenging here, and she’s remained pretty level-headed, despite one blatantly goading, protracted conversation thread with dear old Dad.
We joke about our family sometimes, stating “we put the fun in dysfunctional.” We know all families have some dysfunction in them somewhere. At times ours is glaringly apparent. But we still love each other deeply. Warts, dysfunction, and all.
I read something on another blog, and for the life of me can’t remember where, but I put it on our fridge: “We may not have it all together; but together, we have it all.” Every other member of the household commented on how true that was for us.
I’m letting her do this, herself. She asked me to call mental health today; I suggested she call on her lunch hour tomorrow.
She asked me to get her up in the morning, and since she was dealing with an old alarm not used in several years, I backed her up the first morning. I got up at 4 AM, made sure she was sitting up and looking right at me, advised her that the coffee pot was on, and told her I would not be back upstairs to check on her, as I was going back to bed. I asked her to get me up at 5:30 if she wanted that ride to the bus stop.
I’ll admit I lay awake listening, but I did not go back and get her up again and haven’t gotten her up since. I went back to sleep when the shower started. She woke me promptly at 5:30 and I got her to the bus stop. One of us picks her up there again at night, when she gets in around 7:15. She tends to come in and fix a healthy dinner and then goes online for a few minutes…. And then goes to bed. 4:00 AM comes pretty darn early! She mentioned she may be assigned a later start time in the morning, which would help her a lot.
I heard rumors she might go to an NA convention in San Diego with her old sponsor this weekend. I heard rumors she might spend the night with some of her old girlfriends who have five years clean. I’ve heard that Le Boyfriend wants to take her snowboarding for the day Saturday, out to dinner, to a meeting with Milton’s group, and then to church with his family the next morning. Then again, she has remarked she may sleep right through the whole weekend! Whatever she chooses, it's her business.
I’m personally working hard on my own business this week, because I’m going to two different quilting activities and having some fun with my quilting buddies this weekend! No one who values their head better come betwixt me and my quilt bee this weekend. :)
All in all, we’re holding on, holding each other, holding to our hope, and holding to as many of our boundaries as we can agree on. We’re in the honeymoon period, so we are enjoying it, but we are cautiously optimistic.
Once you choose hope, anything's possible. (Christopher Reeve)
Monday, February 1, 2010
DD2 is supposedly getting released any minute. They started telling her this last week. She's still there, but likely will not be there much longer. The new law about half-time kicked in. They have not just been releasing inmates at midnight in the usual fashion; they are releasing so many that they are doing it at all hours of the day and night.
Her dad still wishes to bring her here for two weeks. Not my idea, but having expressed my reservations/objections and the rationale behind them, I will not stand in his way. She will see a united front. She has two weeks here, to either get into a program (county bed) or to go back to her job (employer said he will rehire) and save a check's worth of funds to begin independently living in sober home, two weeks after release.
That's the plan, man. So be it. I'm going to try to catch up on some other folks and get some rest. We're almost dry here in SoCal.... although more rain is on the way. If I had the energy, I'd be planting more lettuce and spinach... Maybe tomorrow!