Court websites show my daughter and the boyfriend each pled "not guilty" yesterday. It's a process I do not understand, but apparently they are given an offer (example: 2 years digging ditches) in exchange for a guilty plea, and avoidance of a trial. They don't like the offer? They plead "not guilty" and everyone goes back to their respective corners to hang around and think a bit. I'm sure it's more involved and serious than that, but I don't understand it, and it makes no sense that they can plead not guilty considering their condition when brought in for violating probation. Wouldn't a simple drug test have solved that beyond the shadow of a doubt?
Normally it's a bit of time before they meet in the center of the ring again. Then they get a slightly better offer and the opportunity to plead guilty or not guilty again. Last night, the website showed she would be in court again on 12-31, he would be there again 12-23. They call it pre-trial, but it translates to "next better offer opportunity".
This morning, for some inexplicable reason, the web site shows they are both in superior court, different court rooms. I guess "next better offer" came sooner than they thought.
The last I heard from her was Sunday night, in which she told me if going to prison meant a shorter time away, she was going to prison. She has no idea what prison is really like. She thinks it has carpeted two person cells, classes to take, television and an exercise area. She has no idea that short-term inmates never get out of the A-yard, a pit that is filthy, crowded, and where if you don't know the rules and how to survive, you can easily miss getting fed for several days, you can get hurt badly, and you can't make calls, have money posted to your books etc, for up to eight weeks.
She also mentioned several times that "they were so close to having everything they wanted, a life together, etc" and that "she should just be dead, and she wished she was dead, it would be easier on everyone." I have no idea if the death wishes are genuine or attention-seeking.
I tried to remain calm on the phone. I only really got emotional once, when I told her I really didn't want to lose her. Other than that, I tried to encourage her to marshall all the stubbornness and drive and determination I know she has, that we've seen in her all her life, that made us nick-name her Spunky, and use it to get to the life she wanted.
I told her finally, "until you want sobriety even more than I as your mother want it for you, and until you want sobriety for yourself MORE than you want Boyfriend in your life..... it's probably not going to work." I tried to explain to her again, that until they are each WHOLE persons, healthy and able to stand on their own two feet, they don't stand a chance at succeeding together.
Until she is sober and wants a sober, healthy, honorable life more than she wants to be with anyone ELSE, she's not ready to be with any one else.
I told her I adore her boyfriend. I think they have something special. But I think they went for it all too soon, before they were strong enough to be together. She seemed to understand what I was trying to convey.
I only said those things AFTER she asked for my opinion, and I told her that ultimately, it's ALL UP TO HER. My opinion doesn't mean anything. It's her opinion, her goals, her desires for her own life that matter.
All I can do is wait, pray and love her from out here.
The next visiting day is Christmas. My husband is flatly refusing to go, ever, as usual, even if she's going to be transferred to a prison and even though he only works part-time and has more free time than anyone in this house. My oldest daughter has said she will visit "some" but she doesn't have it in her to go every week this time. I understand that from her, as she has school, a nanny job, and enough homework to choke a horse... I'm not going to concern myself with his decision, just my own. I think I will go, but likely not every week. I'm working way more than full time and I'm tired. Going Christmas day will kill me. Staying at home will kill me too.
I am so tired. I'm so grateful she's alive. But I am having a hard time digging up my "hope" today.
"One day at a time", is best done "an hour at a time" today. I am setting a timer and focusing on work for an hour and then taking a few minutes break to take out dogs, watch them cavort in the backyard, cry, stomp my foot, and then it's back to the timer for another hour of work! Works for me! :)