Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Color us confoozled...

She had ten months. She can get ten months (and more) again. It is up to her!!

I am obviously sad, but this time, just kind of blah. She had everything she could have wanted.

She was clean. She had probation's permission to live with Boyfriend in January. He was almost done with probation (his officer is unaware of his slip and he "hopefully will not test for him before his system clears"). Boyfriend makes extremely good money with the job he has. Buying her a new pair of jeans was not going to be an issue! She had our blessing on staying with us some this month and was looking forward to Christmas. She and her sister were talking (at Thanksgiving meal) about buying matching jammies and hanging out together Christmas Eve, like in years past.
What the heck happened? I have no clue. It's up to her to figure it out. I can't do it for her.

She did call today and she is going back to Agape House later this week, for a while. Not a free or even inexpensive place, but, normally a good house. There is one young lady I know of who may be there, who is "Trouble" (but hey, my daughter has that same middle name!) so, we'll see.

Correction: She'll see.... it is not my issue to stew over. It's truly up to her.

I'm going to go decorate some cookies and then DD2 has an NCIS disk from Netflix - we will watch one episode tonight when we are on our last bit of awareness and then turn in early!

I'm actually pretty okay right now. Teary but okay. It's weird. I'm maybe getting the "detach with love" thing. Maybe I'm just numb. I will obviously be devastated if anything goes wrong, but nothing will be gained by my handwringing in the meantime. I didn't cause, can't fix and can't cure it. So be it!

She knows she is loved. I joked a little with her about that when she called today - "Hey, you are loved and I'm not mad - here's proof - I was ordering your Christmas present when you called to tell me you relapsed, and after we hung up, I blew my nose and finished placing my order! So there, chickadee - you are loved." She laughed at that. Then she resorted to begging to come home. No dice. I stressed to her that we love her, we want her in our lives, we want to be a part of her life, but one of our boundaries is that she cannot live with us when she has been using (or using recently). I ended the call nicely and that was that.

She has to do it. No one else can.

I had a lot of people expressing caring and concern for us today, and I want to let them know we're still standing..... Well, we're wobbling a bit, but we're standing! Thanks for all the prayers and comments. I let DH read them and he seemed strengthened by them also.

"And so, as Tiny Tim observed, God Bless Us, Every One!!"


  1. When I'm thinking about the disease of codependency, I often find myself wondering, "is this curable like a cold, or terminal, like cancer?" You are so demonstrating the CURE! Your ability to care but but not collapse, your ability to love with boundaries. Awesome! The fact that you could joke, demonstrating your love for her, without stepping back or giving in. Bravo! I can only pray and hope that I can continue to grow and get healthier so that I can provide the same necessary strength and love to my son. Wow!

  2. I'm wobbling along in your footsteps reminding myself of everything you said above :)

  3. I am also a wobbler right now, you are giving us strength and hope even through your sorrow. Thank you so much for that and I am so sorry you are having to work through this. And yes, she can get 10 months and even more.

  4. "She has to do it. No one else can."

    Your strength is inspiring. Stay strong and keep those boundaries. God is really busy working on your daughter right now...let Him do His work!

    Keeping you in my prayers. {Hugs}

  5. I'm so pleased that you are 'coping' with this latest set back. Hard though. I'm really sorry your family are going through this.
    Thinking of you- take care.

  6. I wish someone had grabbed me 5 years ago and really made me understand what boundaries are. YOU GET IT! We'd all be some much further along with our addicts and our addicts would be further along if there was a way to internalize that learning sooner.

    Be Strong Be Smart

  7. I also am wobbling right now and I also have boundries that daughter cannot come home(relapsed afer 11 months clean). I love reading your blog it helps me realize that I am doing the right thing.

  8. Oh boy - - - or more correctly, oh girl. My heart aches for you, but your response is what's best for both your daughter and yourself. Be strong. Your daughter has choices every day, as we all do. Even though she relapsed, she knows more now than she did before. Her life is her life. It's so hard for us moms not to want to prevent catastrophe. Your daughter knows what to do - you just need to get out of her way and let her do it. This sounds as if I know what I'm talking about. I don't, really. And dealing with all this sh*t is so hard. It's exhausting. I call it emotional hangover. Just know that you are not alone, and that we all are cheering for you to try to be happy regardless of your daughter. Is that possible? I'm trying to find out.

  9. In response to what Peggy said "cheering for you to try to be happy regardless of your daughter. Is that possible?"

    I believe it is possible - everyone has a choice - to be happy or not at any given moment!

    I pray for you and your daughter's happiness and healing!

  10. when you've done all you know to do - just surrender it to Him...Prayer really does change things - so does letting go. That was soo hard for me. Stay strong, ok. Sarah

  11. Your post today is "perfect." What I mean is that you are standing your ground and setting boundaries. You are loving your daughter, but not letting her give you a snowjob. You are feeling the pain, but not letting it stop you from living. Bravo! Today, you are the "perfect" picture of the balance we all want to find.

    Will you be "perfect" tomorrow? Only God knows. If you stay balanced another day, awesome! If you list a little to one side or the other of that "balanced line," you are not alone. God is still with you, and so are we.

    I have no idea why I wrote what I wrote above. Maybe because it is such a day-to-day journey. Some days, even some of the bad ones, we are right exactly where we need to be, in the palm of His hand. Others, well, we are not so much where we need to be. But He is with us in either circumstance.

    Thanks so much for your honest transparency. What a blessing!

    Praying for you,
    Cheri and Wayne

  12. Tough stuff but you stayed strong and that will ultimately help her in the long run.