Thursday, November 12, 2009

Grateful for the status quo, and a codependent slip!

Things are relatively quiet and drama free…..and I’m grateful.

(In fact, it's been downright quiet for two days, and I'm codependently "wary"..... but I'm working on it!)

DD2 is working. She recently posted on her Facebook page that she had over three hundred days of sobriety. I’m beyond words grateful for that too.

The “no-contact order” has been lifted, and now she and the Boyfriend can see each other all the time, except they are not supposed to spend the night at each other’s place yet. However, that particular restriction should be lifted eventually and they hope to move in together.

I personally would love it if they would work on being complete within themselves, healthy, steady in their program, financially independent, etc*, before they moved in together. But it ain’t none of my business!

* Might be a good idea to be all those things, and for the Boyfriend to be settled into his “newish” role of proactive parent, as his daughter is moving in with him in January – she’s 16 going on 35, and already started down The Destructive Path, having recently been kicked out of school for possession of pot. Apparently the ex-wife threw up her hands and said something to the effect of “you try handling her!” I guess there are various ways to look at that situation, and the one I like is the one he voiced to me: “it will be harder for her to pull anything on me; I’ve already done everything she’s trying to get away with.”

We all went out to dinner the other night. That’s something I usually do not enjoy all that much. (rubs my frugal nature the wrong way!) My favorite restaurant is my own kitchen, stocked with good ingredients and with friends/family in there with me, cooking up a storm and then sharing the feast on our back patio! However, this was Boyfriend’s birthday, and we had a great meal and enjoyed each other’s company, and I am grateful for the evening and the memory made.

We’re focusing more on us these days (DH and I). We’re having a quiet Thanksgiving and an equally quiet Christmas. I reminded the girls (and Boyfriend) the other day that “I’m not the kind of mom that gets insulted if you don’t spend a significant quantity of the holiday with me.” If they can/want to come by and hang out, cool. If they want to hang out with other friends/family, equally cool.

My husband and I will have a good time either way! He’s begun the Great Hunt of 2009 – in which he bags as many turkeys as he can (on sale or free with purchases of staples we will use anyway), and stocks our freezer. We will probably score about eight of them before he tires of the game…. And that translates into him having a turkey once or twice a month for quite a while. He’d eat “thanksgiving” three times a day, if he could. Such a simple thing, but it makes him smile.

I’m sewing as much as I can, and that makes ME smile. I’m also working in the backyard to try to make it prettier. The old body isn’t what it used to be, so it’s slow going, with digging, composting, and planting, but it’s rewarding.

So as you can see, it’s just nice and quiet around here. You can understand, I’m sure, why I’m very grateful and wouldn’t have it any other way!

And a P.S.: I hate to tell this story because what I did was JUST PLAIN DUMB. Seriously, I can see the heads shaking and hear the "tsk, tsk, tsk!, from everyone and it's justified!! Just keepin' it real here, my friends. I fell flat on my face a few days ago with the enabling thing. DD2 called and mentioned she was, in fact, staying over at the Boyfriend's because the roommate's husband was again loaded and in fact so loaded he asked DD2 to connect for him. I was so blown away by the fact that he asked her to buy drugs for him (it was in a text message on his phone, no less!), and also by the proximity of an active addict in the home where she is renting a room, that I commenced "spinning" right along with her and found myself nodding my head and said "yes" when she said, "if my p.o. calls, I told her I was staying with you, okay? Love you, bye!"

I sat there after I hung up, all relieved that she was staying with the Boyfriend and likely safer, and then later realized I had agreed to lie to probation.

*bangs head on desk, repeatedly*

See, when I "spin", I don't think very sanely. I had a relatively sleepless night worrying that in fact, the p.o. would call, or worse, send an officer to see if she was here. This could have happened. It did not. And the next morning, I called DD2 and said "that's the last time I do that! it was wrong of me and I won't do it again." She thought I was being silly and over-reactive, but I told her, "I was being dishonest and I will not knowingly do that. And I certainly won't do it in THAT fashion again!" If she wants to cover her butt for probation, it will have to be done by her, with someone else's assistance.

It's a process, I know. We have slip-and-falls. But every now and then, I MAKE A TOTALLY BONE-HEADED MOVE!

And I'll learn from it and move on!

(note to self: No decisions or answers to questions while spinning!)


  1. Well you may have spun out - but then you pulled out of the spin and called to tell DD2 that you were wrong and would not do it again.

    I'm glad things are going well for you. I wish I had your domestic goddess talents. I can clean, but - NOT!

    Your girls are beautiful.

  2. That's why I like the 10th step. I often get to admit that I'm wrong.

  3. Recognizing the times when you are less likely to make a good decision is a key step in changing a behavior. We all have slip ups. You are right- learn from it and move on!

  4. Good for you. I can imagine I would have done the same thing.
    Take care.

  5. You have such a witty and charming way of writing that you always make me smile. I love that you caught yourself and moved right back into balance. You may have had a slip and fall, but you got right up and dusted yourself off!

  6. Sounds like something I would slip up and do - but now that you brought it out - it will help me to be alert if that situation arises - Thanks!

  7. I would have done the same exact thing! Don't be too hard on realized your mistake, promptly made amends, and drew a new healthy boundary. That's what recovery is all about...and you are a shining example of how it works. 300+ days is a miracle!

  8. ps...I have something for you over at my blog. Hugs, Karen