Friday, October 23, 2009

The answer is still no

The requests resumed today... Bless his heart, my DH fielded the phone call this time. She asked to speak to her Dad because she is convinced that I am the one preventing her from being able to come home. When she's not asking to come home, she's asking to borrow rent money until the next job's first check.

Unfortunately the answers are still the same. We can not rescue her right now. We are trying not to say things that are putting her down, like the fact that we truly hold no hope that she'd be able to pay it back. Perhaps she could. The point is, we don't think we should loan the money or bring her home. Period. We couch it with sympathy and comments about my low business volume right now and DH's low number of hours at his job.... Maybe we shouldn't try to make the truth land so gently, but I'm still trying to encourage and be empathetic, while still saying "no."

To my knowledge (I was in my office working and did not follow his side of the conversation), he was able to carry out the conversation without it becoming a screaming match. I think it ended relatively calmly. He said she was still possibly coming by tomorrow to hang out with her sister and bake cookies with DH while the boyfriend and his brother do some construction work at boyfriend's sponsor's home nearby.

It was a huge help for him to take the call today. They phone-tagged back and forth a few times until they could get together on the line, but he eventually connected with her and I know it was not easy for him. I just can't do it all the time. I have a hard time thinking and answering her when my heart is breaking and sometimes he thinks I should have answered differently, etc. It was really nice today for him to just step into the midst of the fray and attempt to calmly answer her in a positive fashion while holding to what we think is best for us.

I had him read a few responses on another mom's blog later, and the comments really reinforced what we have been trying to believe and hold on to. This sucks, but it is best for us, and in the long run, best for our daughter.

May we all enjoy some peace and rest this weekend. :)


  1. I'm praying for all of you. Thank God you don't have to do this alone. She will find her way and be stronger because of it! Keep practicing saying "no"! Great job!

  2. Yes, great job. Live your life - not based on an illness.

  3. We all come to our own version of powerlessness sooner or later. For most parents, it is later.

    It took years for my husband and I to heal to the point where we could work together on Andrew. It is great to read a post where you guys are getting to that point in the addiction journey. Now you know it's nobody's fault and you know neither of you can fix it.

    It just is what it is. A former addict commented on my blog once "do you want one Christmas with him, or do you want the next 20."
    Meaning, take the LONG view. The hard decisions now are the ones that pave the way for better times in the future.

  4. It is so great you have your hubsband's support and he can assist with the tough contacts and all that brings with it. I know when my husband steps in and helps relieve me, I just appreciate him so much and love him that much more. Keep saying no, not easy for sure, and you are doing better than you may think.

  5. When Mom and Pop agree to be on just one page, it send a powerful message of solidarity--which sometimes translates into benefits undreamed of.

    We did this...are doing this, and thiis message has been sent and received: "It IS grow-up time. You are free to make your own decisions, but here are the boundaries/rules for living in our house...get a job, no xxx or xxx allowed in our house, whether IN your body or outside it, etc., etc."

    For us, this is working (at this time) beautifully. Praying together helps also...OMG! Was that an "afterthought"???

    And all is in helpfulness, no anger involved. Not easy? Right! But it IS doable.

    PEACE in your family.