Thursday, August 6, 2009

Ten Days

So DD2's plans for Boyfriend and Sister (DD1) and mom (me) to come and meet her at 1 AM and have pancakes at Norm's upon her release....

Got squashed.

Probation-1 (Boyfriend's) told him that she talked to Probation-2 (hers) and they want them on a "no contact" order for 30 days, to see if my daughter will "fly right" during that time. Lots of meetings, getting established in sober home, getting in touch with job placement person who visits jail and formed a relationship with her, lots of meetings, some job interviews, some clean tests, and did I mention, lots of meetings?

We're already dreading eagerly looking forward to the 4:30 AM visit that first week, pounding on the door, "Orange County PD, open up!" followed by chaos with our barking dogs and a quick confirmation by the police officer and the probation officer that she is indeed here, in her own bed. Alone.

Good times!

She wrote me that Boyfriend told her he will not go against Probation. Good on him! He told me "We've come this far; I don't want to screw it up now!"

Probation says they can see each other at meetings and talk on phone, etc. I think the "lots of meetings" thing will be easy for her to talk herself into.

She wrote in the letter I received today, "I am surprisingly okay with Probation's decision and our decision to obey it. I love him even more for us doing what we are supposed to do and following the rules. Please tell him I said that too...."

She's worked her first and second step by mail with sponsor. She's anxious to continue on the outside. It will be a busy week. We are letting her come home for about four days. Those days will include her going through her bins in garage to organize her stuff and get packed for sober home, visits to sober homes (and reservation placed for Friday night at the one she finds with a bed open), an eye exam/contacts, a visit to Probation, a visit to food stamps office, a visit to Mental Health office, filling her psych meds prescription, and time to hang out with Sister and pat her dog and go to lots of meetings. I expect my house line to melt from overuse when she starts calling her friends in program.

If she calls anyone else, that's on her. I'm just glad my home office has ten lines coming in here - I should still be able to run my business!

I took a picture of the back of her letter. Even though the no contact order has sort of squashed the idea of the pancake breakfast at Norms with Boyfriend, Boyfriend's mom, and me and Sister.... She still wants to go with just me and Sister.

(click pix to embiggen)
Then look at the comment about the dates on the milk cartons. I had to explain it to my husband (that they got cartons of milk with meals), but I thought it was kinda cute.

"so the date on the milk cartons, the expiration, is AFTER I go home :) "

We're anticipating lots of hugs. And lots of joy. And lots of tension.

The spinning in our souls has already begun. I can't wait to see her, hug her, hold her close, and hear her laughing with her sister upstairs. We've stocked up on peanut butter/jelly, pretzels, raspberry chocolates, shampoo, and other things that she loves/might help her in her sober home.

We've locked up the cameras and small valuables. Even my cheapie little knock-off ipod that I got to replace the real Ipod she stole from me.

What a frickin' comedy of contrasts.

I have cried more in the last four months than I thought was possible. I have slept more than I ever thought I needed to. I still feel like horse poop. I was exhausted emotionally and figuratively when she went in, even though she didn't live here at the time and had been sober, in a sober home, for several months before her case ended and she was sentenced.

I am so proud she went in sober. I can't wait to attend a chip meeting with her. (I only go if she invites me, but she almost always remembers to invite Sister and I.)

I went to see her in jail every Friday because some part of me feels it was the right thing to do (scripturally, and I was raised on extremely heavy doses of scripture), I have written letters, I have accepted one collect call weekly. I have tried to reach out and be supportive and demonstrate that I love her, even if she cannot live with me full time. I know, these are things I wanted to do.

I have watched my husband do nothing except occasionally talk to her on the phone, after which she would cry. I can't fix that...... deep breath.......

He did at least contribute $5.00 a week for the last two months, towards her books. I have to stuff down some resentment because I feel that was the easy thing to do. He made a promise to her years ago that he would never visit her if she ended up in jail. He says he's keeping that promise to teach consequences. Funny, it's awfully convenient to play it that way. He promised she could never come home again, either..... and he brought her home over and over. Each time I objected because I don't think we are a healthy place for her, psychologically, despite loving her more than my next breath. Each time, I let him because I never wanted to face him over a coffin and hear that it was my fault.

(He promised me we'd never have four dogs again and we now have five......sigh. I don't have a huge problem with the dogs, believe me. It's the number of dogs! principle! )

But the promise-breaking that would require him to give up 3-4 hours of his time, and see his daughter behind glass..... nah, ain't gonna break that one. Whatever, moving on..... (trying to anyway!) Yes, I'm a bit of a bitch. Betcha didn't know that about me.

I have a to-do list a mile long of things I need to do in my own life and I haven't made much progress. I'm trying very hard to let go, and let her walk her road. It's not my road. It's hers. I am scared shitless so hopeful that she will do well.
In the meantime, I'm continuing to work on my own stuff.....

I'm working in my garden, trying to exercise often, run my businesses well, go to Alanon, and sneak up to my sewing/quilting room whenever possible.

Ten days!


  1. Remember one thing.... when one is in recovery, by default so are the rest. That doesn't mean you hold her hand or restrict her movement. It means you set down clear lines of movement to her. These are the rules & they will be abided by or you can go. The hubs, sorry but your daughter, as she gets healthier will call him out on his hypocricy. That is also part of recovery. To get right with all things. He used his 5 dollars/visit to his advantage. She will catch that as she works the program.

    As far as you go. Take care of YOU above all else. YOu need to be happy and healthy in what you do before you do any good to anyone else. You sound like your on the right path. We are all here to support one another. Small steps equal a long walk.

  2. A Stitch in Thyme,
    I love that... "Small steps equal a long walk." Putting that on fridge now!

    And yes, she already "caught it." She figured Dad out a long time ago. She has an idealistic vision of how nice it would be to move home and stay, but I'm holding my ground this time, that she does everything possible to go to a sober home by Friday night. She has forgotten the tension, while she sits in jail. She's forgotten the way he tried to micromanage her recovery, badgers her to stop smoking, makes her smoke at edge of property under a tree so he doesn't have to walk through the smell of it on front porch, tries to manage her management of money, etc, etc, etc. Don't get me wrong; he is a good man and he loves her and cries over her.... and then he tries to fix her.... in the manner of his father before him (an alcoholic). She needs to do this for herself. She needs, as I believe Annette once said (loosely remembered by me) "the knowledge that she can do this herself and the pride that comes from actually having done it"..... for me, or her dad to do this for her DEPRIVES her of that knowledge. I don't want to stand in her way, I so want to cheer as she passes by!

    I'm working on the "taking care of me" thing....I come from a heavy background of J.O.Y. comes from putting Jesus, Others first, Yourself last. I struggle with sometimes looking out for ME first. And yet, a healthy me, is the only me that can be of use to anyone else.....

    Anyway, thanks!!

  3. This is an incredible post for me. I'm almost stunned. You said so many things that I said and say! Thank you for your great communication!

  4. I heard in a meeting today from a parent that all she could do was just love her daughter. She had to let go of any expectations about what would happen after rehab. I think concentrating on you is a good idea.

  5. Having her go to a sober house is a good decision. I hope you can stand firm with it, sometimes it's hard when they come home first. We start wanting to care for them again, we start thinking it will be too much pressure at the sober house.

    That is how is has been in the past at our house, but no more. True sobreity can be found anywhere, when the person is ready.

    I'm happy to hear your "biznesses" are going well. And you are taking care of yourself. Don't be too hard on your husband, he does not have a program;) It took my husband a looong time to accept the reality of the things going on with our son. We all make mistakes, we all grieve in our own way.

  6. take care of yourself, remember you cannot control any of it, including your husband. my thoughts and prayers are with your family.

  7. Sounds like you are doing well. Its amazing what good stuff gets worked into us during hard times huh? As for hubby....he will find his way in his own time. That is his business.

  8. Thanks for being so open and at times, well, a bit of funny sarcasim never hurts;)