Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Disclaimer: Rambling and long….and a bit “down” in spots….Sorry! Any ESH you might think applicable would be gratefully accepted!
I’m not visiting this Friday, because she gets out next Sunday night/Monday morning. So last Friday was the last visit.
Last time hustling madly to get out the door.
Last time remembering to pack toilet paper….. (hey, we are in financial distress here in California – they can’t afford to keep paper in the lobby potty, apparently.)
Last time fighting the 91West traffic at 10:40 AM. And wondering why there is such a mess at that time of morning!
Last time getting “carded” to get in….. twice….
Last time putting money on her books. We’re so tight around here with this stinking economy that I was never able to put much on her books, and I really didn’t think it was up to me/us to keep her comfy in there….
But we did keep her in lukewarm instant coffee! And she thanked us every time she saw us.
Last time showing the newbie parents where the lockers are, which way to face going up in the elevator so that they don’t get trampled when the back door opens, which way to go when getting off the elevator, etc…..
Last time fighting the tears on the ride back down to the lobby.
Last time dealing with one of my personal phobias (parking garages…. Think earthquake!) while still emotional and on edge already from the visitation process.
Last time…… I hope and pray.
She speaks to me and Sister with enthusiasm, alternating with tears. She is so full of plans and promises. She is taking direction from several counselors inside, and wants to go to a county-funded treatment center. She finally thinks she’s finding answers to her counselor/friend/mentor Milton’s eternal question: "Whatcha gonna do different this time?!" She has several answers, actually, and one of them is that she thinks she didn’t do the “God thing” right until this time. She’s “spending a lot of time praying”.
I’m making all the appropriate responses to that….. But I sometimes feel sort of hypocritical when I do. I pray for my daughter. I pray for your child too. And your husband, your wife…. I pray for the loved ones of all those I have met here in this blogging community, who are fighting addictions of any kind. I hope my prayers are heard. I hope that what I’m pleading for comes to pass. I think, every now and then, about how I was taught that if I’m asking for Him to do something that is His will, that it will come to pass…..and how could it not be His will for an addict to get clean and stay clean, find Him, find His help/love/peace…..?
so it should come to be.
Makes perfect sense.
Doesn’t always work that way.
Is it a case of “It is what it is?”
I read how some of you are so very trusting. So able to let go. So absolutely certain that God will take care of your child. And right there, where it counts, I flounder. I don’t trust that He will do that. I beg that He will.
Or, more accurately, I beg that He will not take her, or let her die, whatever…. before she finds her way back to Him. Not before she grows old, not before she gives me grandkids, not before she is happily married, employed, independent, etc. Please don’t take her before she finds her way back to You.
That’s all I can really seem to ask for, for my daughter.
I have Step One nailed. I’ve said that before. I know, without any doubt, that I AM POWERLESS in this situation.
And that what will be, will be.
But I don’t trust that He will keep her safe.
I don’t think that I can keep her safe. I don’t think that she can.
But I am not certain that He will.
When your child is found lifeless in a storage unit somewhere with a needle hanging out of her arm, like one of my daughter’s friends was two years ago, what is the answer for the brokenhearted mom who was trusting Him to keep her beloved daughter safe? I’ve watched that mom go from a strong, positive, faith-filled mom, to a shadow of herself. She goes nowhere now. She feels betrayed. She is unable to pray. She is going through the motions of living, in a minimal way, and I have no answers for her. No one does.
I’ve learned a lot in Alanon. I’ve learned a lot in books I’ve read. I’m getting the parts about boundaries, taking care of me, I deserve a life, and I deserve serenity, and she has to do this for herself, and she needs to do this for herself, and she will be better for having done this for herself….and I can’t do it for her. I get all that.
But bottom line, for now, I’m just still back here with HOPE. (and a fair amount of terror!)
I don’t have faith. But I have HOPE. And I will have HOPE until the day she breathes her last breath. I envy some of you your faith, sometimes.
Other times I just acknowledge that this just may not work out any way except excruciatingly painful for me for the rest of my life. I may lose her.
Into everyone’s life, there comes some Big Sads. I have so many Big Glads. I’ve been so fortunate. I still have both parents, have never had cancer, have been married for 30+ years (not entirely happily, but we’re a work in progress, I guess), I have pretty decent health, I have vision, I can hear….I have not lost either daughter to a car accident or illness or drowning….
Maybe I need to just accept that that gut wrenching sorrow is a normal part of life. Some of us will lose our kids before we die.
(And yes, maybe she’ll lose me. None of us are promised tomorrow.)
I think I’d throw away all I have, if I could know that by doing so, I could be certain my daughters would be sober, safe, content.
I don’t care if they are super successful in the materialistic sense of the word. But if they can live independently and with honor and integrity….and know a sense of peace? I’d say they were really successful. I’d be so grateful.
If my daughter doesn’t learn how to handle the bumps in the road of life without using, I likely will indeed lose her.
I will continue praying (begging), for your addicts and for my addict, and I HOPE my prayers are heard. It means a lot to me when others pray for my daughter….I hope their prayers are heard too. The low self-esteem part of my brain tells me “maybe He’ll listen to them, if not to you.” (Stinkin' thinkin', I know.)
But with all this top of mind, I try to savor the good moments, file away her laughter, her smile, her touch, in my heart. Because my begging and my hope may not be enough.
I’m sorry for the “down” post. This has been bothering me for so so long. I’m so tired of being terrified that my daughter will be the next one found in the storage unit. She almost died several times before (the last time, right before her most recent arrest) and had her boyfriend not realized her breathing had slowed so dramatically, and had he not thrown her bodily into a cold shower and then literally kept her awake, talking and walking the next few hours, I’m not sure she’d be with us today. That was a huge turning point for him. It’s just another good story for her.
I will forever be grateful that he was alert enough to realize what had happened, and oddly, I am not at all upset that he was using with her. She was going to use. There is no point in getting pissed that he was using with her. I’m so glad he’s sober now. I’ve told him repeatedly, and he makes promises of course, not to let her bring him down. I think he’s a bit stronger than she is. Time will tell.
They both had seven months clean, last Sunday.
Bottom line, I’m going to shut up and get back to work. Sorry for the length of this post, the disjointed nature of it, and the display of abject terror!
I’m still praying…. For my addict, for yours…. And hoping…. Thank you for your prayers!