Thanks guys!....I think I understand what you are saying. I'm trying to do as Dad&Mom said in one line... I pass along advice (when asked) and drop the issue. Example: she asked us to get her a lawyer. I told her we would not, as we have said all along, we don't do bail, lawyers, etc. However, I passed along the name/website of the lawyer my husband had found five years ago who seems to have heavy recovery law experience. I did not call that lawyer myself. Is that what you meant? Please tell me if I'm misinterpreting.
(update: she called, she spoke with lawyer and she is in the process of figuring out the financial aspect for herself. Lawyer said she really does not think there is any reason she could not get a program instead of time. DD2 sounds encouraged.) :)
We're paying rent (we won't let her come home), but she knows that comes to an abrupt end when she gets that first check in two weeks. She got a job within a week of trying (in this economy), and its not a pretty job, but she's doing it. She offered to pay us back the rent we've paid. Her dad said to just assume responsibility for as much of her costs as she can. We're not giving money, but we share food and she has agreed she will be getting on food stamps if not going into prison, until she can afford things more easily. I think these are healthy boundaries... Again, I'm interested if you have a different point of view...
I agree I'm focusing on her too much.
That stems from my confusion over her mental health issues and where to draw the line....how the state seems to expect someone who is mentally ill, to use an impaired mind to make good choices, and yet when they don't, they don't get forced treatment (treatment which could improve their decision-making), they get time.
She had four years with no arrests even while unmedicated, and she was one week shy of two years clean.... and then relapsed when she broke up with her live-in boyfriend of a year (she had been working, paying bills, and clean the whole time and was trying a relationship for the first time in about seven years!). When she and the boyfriend realized it just wasn't going to work, she moved home (clean) and then started using.
This state is so pro-treatment (for addiction) and yet, she is having difficulty getting into a program for some reason. These arrests/cases are the result of a ten day period while she was loaded and still suicidal over the break up. And yes, she did it, and I can't cure or fix it.
If she was not mentally ill, this would all be so much easier for me to just say, "live with your consequences!" But she IS mentally ill. The laws in this state (anti-enforced treatment for mental illness) will take years to change..... I am grateful she is at this time willing to go back on medication as soon as she determines if she will be going "in" on the current case, or not doing time. She actually agrees that the meds will certainly help! For a bipolar, that is huge, because it is her "norm" to prefer the manic phases where she is up, up, up, all the time. I'm thankful for her current thinking and hoping she sticks to it!
But I see what you are all saying....my focus is too much on her....I'm overwhelmed right now, with everything that is going on. I've been working hard at my business, at trying to bring in extra money. I've been working hard at worrying, too....about my best friend's husband, my husband's employment, my finances, my kid and her case, etc. I haven't been doing much to take care of me...
And I do agree, gratitudes are important. I am grateful that DD2 is sober today, and working. I'm grateful that husband is still employed part time and I have medical benefits. I'm grateful that I am still able to work and that one of my delinquent physician accounts finally paid a bit of long overdue invoicing last week. Yay for groceries! (It's always been hard to understand how some of the doctors could want their dictation transcribed within 24 hours, but can't pay me within 30 days!)
Back to work for me! :)