Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Thanks!

Thanks guys!....I think I understand what you are saying. I'm trying to do as Dad&Mom said in one line... I pass along advice (when asked) and drop the issue. Example: she asked us to get her a lawyer. I told her we would not, as we have said all along, we don't do bail, lawyers, etc. However, I passed along the name/website of the lawyer my husband had found five years ago who seems to have heavy recovery law experience. I did not call that lawyer myself. Is that what you meant? Please tell me if I'm misinterpreting.

(update: she called, she spoke with lawyer and she is in the process of figuring out the financial aspect for herself. Lawyer said she really does not think there is any reason she could not get a program instead of time. DD2 sounds encouraged.) :)

We're paying rent (we won't let her come home), but she knows that comes to an abrupt end when she gets that first check in two weeks. She got a job within a week of trying (in this economy), and its not a pretty job, but she's doing it. She offered to pay us back the rent we've paid. Her dad said to just assume responsibility for as much of her costs as she can. We're not giving money, but we share food and she has agreed she will be getting on food stamps if not going into prison, until she can afford things more easily. I think these are healthy boundaries... Again, I'm interested if you have a different point of view...

I agree I'm focusing on her too much.

That stems from my confusion over her mental health issues and where to draw the line....how the state seems to expect someone who is mentally ill, to use an impaired mind to make good choices, and yet when they don't, they don't get forced treatment (treatment which could improve their decision-making), they get time.

She had four years with no arrests even while unmedicated, and she was one week shy of two years clean.... and then relapsed when she broke up with her live-in boyfriend of a year (she had been working, paying bills, and clean the whole time and was trying a relationship for the first time in about seven years!). When she and the boyfriend realized it just wasn't going to work, she moved home (clean) and then started using.

This state is so pro-treatment (for addiction) and yet, she is having difficulty getting into a program for some reason. These arrests/cases are the result of a ten day period while she was loaded and still suicidal over the break up. And yes, she did it, and I can't cure or fix it.

If she was not mentally ill, this would all be so much easier for me to just say, "live with your consequences!" But she IS mentally ill. The laws in this state (anti-enforced treatment for mental illness) will take years to change..... I am grateful she is at this time willing to go back on medication as soon as she determines if she will be going "in" on the current case, or not doing time. She actually agrees that the meds will certainly help! For a bipolar, that is huge, because it is her "norm" to prefer the manic phases where she is up, up, up, all the time. I'm thankful for her current thinking and hoping she sticks to it!

But I see what you are all saying....my focus is too much on her....I'm overwhelmed right now, with everything that is going on. I've been working hard at my business, at trying to bring in extra money. I've been working hard at worrying, too....about my best friend's husband, my husband's employment, my finances, my kid and her case, etc. I haven't been doing much to take care of me...

And I do agree, gratitudes are important. I am grateful that DD2 is sober today, and working. I'm grateful that husband is still employed part time and I have medical benefits. I'm grateful that I am still able to work and that one of my delinquent physician accounts finally paid a bit of long overdue invoicing last week. Yay for groceries! (It's always been hard to understand how some of the doctors could want their dictation transcribed within 24 hours, but can't pay me within 30 days!)

Back to work for me! :)

29 comments:

  1. I find that when I focus on the solutions for me, I am better off. If I focus on what's going on with another, then I'm getting undone, often very quickly. It takes monitoring of myself and my feelings. If I'm obsessing over the alcoholic, then I've definitely lost touch with my self and my HP.

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  2. I have really been becoming aware of the concept that when I jump in and begin to orchestrate for my kids...any of them, I am sending a big message that I don't think they are *capable* of managing their lives without me. I am learning to keep the focus on myself and if they ask for help I can see what I can reasonably do to help, without putting myself into a bad position, financially, or otherwise. I am working hard at not robbing them of the dignity that doing it themselves provides. I think you probably understand what I am saying. These are just landmarks for myself. It sounds like you are *doing* pretty good, but your heart is right there with her. Your thoughts, your mind, you are pulled. I know what that feels like. Its exhausting. One of my favorite pat answers has become, "I know you can figure this out." And "Uh huh." As I listen and bite my tongue.

    Even with mental illness, unless she is psychotic, she knows where to go to get the help she needs.

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  3. For what it is worth I have always defined enabling as doing anything for someone else that the can or should do for themselves. Finding the number of an attorney that specializes in recovery is probably something she is not able to do for herself right now. Paying the rent until she is reasonably able to do it on her own, I don't think that crosses the line either. She can't do that on her own until she has a paycheck so it seems to not fit the definition, at least my definition, lol. You have to find your definition, what you are comfortable with. It is different for all of us. I am thinking about you!
    Heather

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  4. When I read these accounts of court proceedings from the parent's point of view, I remember what a judge told me.
    He is not looking at the one charge. He has before him every time your daughter's name has come up in any legal way. I'll wager that is more than you know about, but maybe I'm wrong. My point is the judge makes a determination on more than what meets Mom's eye.. for better or worse.

    Your husband sounds the way mine was for a long time--don't look at it and it goes away (meaning it just hurts too much to accept the reality).

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  5. I agree with both HeakerK and Lou. I would do the same thing, help where she can't but try not to cross the line. As far as the husband goes I agree with Lou. I think men have a harder time adjusting and accepting the facts.

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  7. Lou is right - there is something else going on - you arent getting the full story. She pissed someone off pretty badly, I'll guaruntee it. Sounds like the prosecuter has a vendetta against her... perhaps for good reason.

    Just continue to support recovery, but let her fix herself and deal with the consequences herself. Sounds like you are doing an A+ job so far.

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