Monday, April 6, 2009

I wonder if we could outlaw Mondays....

Probably not. And that really wouldn't solve anything.

I've not posted recently and that's because I've had nothing really positive to report. In fact, I'm pretty much a grump. I'm sorry.... I know I sign on every day and check to see what's happening with a good 15 or so others fighting this fight, but recently I haven't been able to muster up the ability to make a comment without crying over it, or put up a post, also without crying.

Feel free to skip this one - Its whiney! And its l-o-o-o-n-g!!

I made it through a particularly crappy day today, business-wise, and (good Lord willing and the creek don't rise) I'll make it through tomorrow. But I'm the first to admit I'm a basket case. I'm sure its my own fault. I still am attending a meeting a week when I can, and I'm trying to keep to my boundaries.

I'm a nice squirmy pile of questions and I'm on my last nerve, and I'm always one breath away from blowing my stack.

Getting a cooling rack out of the cabinet (on hands and knees on a day when my back was my enemy) resulted in the usual difficulties of too many items tangling up and my oldest daughter (DD1) listened from across the kitchen as I alternatively crashed, banged and slung things on the floor to extract the rack, screeching loudly "I hate this fr*cken kitchen and these s&**y little shelves and why does everything have to be so fr*cken hard!" followed by extraction of rack, upon which I stood up and calmly and perkily said "there!" in a quiet, satisfied voice and she looked at me with her mouth hanging open and we both laughed so hard we almost wet our pants. And then I cried.

Again.

DD2 is in the sober home. She is working at a car shop (insert-name-here Lube shop) and loves/hates it. But she is working every hour she can, and with a smile. She should have her first check soon and begin paying for the majority of her rent. She is happy at the sober home, loved by the house mom, and the girls....

She is still seeing her new boyfriend (at meetings or his sober home BBQs). He is in a court ordered rehab, and both of them seem very focused on doing what they need to do.

She goes back to court Thursday this week. She was never sentenced on the previous, smaller case (vehicular tampering that was dropped to 2 counts for which she and her codefendant were convicted). After all the silliness that was involved with a certain Mr. Bryant's presence in the jury pool, it was a fairly cut and dried but oddly humorous trial, according to the girls from her house who attended.

It seems weird to me that it went from "the judge is laughing and my lawyer says we're fine" to...

"I just got convicted and now we've changed court rooms and judges! the new judge says we may not even worry about it (a sentence).....because right after the guilty verdict, the DA sent a runner downstairs with paperwork and before the judge could take a breath and reconvene everyone for sentencing, the court room and judge were changed and new judge was looking at freshly filed grand theft charges."

I'm not stupid. And she's pretty brutally honest about herself when she's sober. She admits she was up to no good, both times she was arrested. But she swears that although what she has been involved with this time has been pretty horrid.... in fact worse than what she was arrested for... she did not do what they supposedly have charged her with.

Whatever.

But what bothered me? She (and her codefendant) was offered 3 years, for a guilty plea on the new grand theft case.... she turned that down and was offered 16 months. She turned that down and was offered six months. None of this makes any sense to me. Naively, I don't understand how you can bargain on this stuff.

She said six months means about four months upstate in a women's prison.

Prison. (that cracking sound you just heard? yep, my heart....)

But also what bothered me was that she explained to her public defender that she wished they would order her to a program for a year. Her old rehab mentor/friend, Milton, has told her she needs a year long program. Several others in the field, including her old sponsor (who is now her current temporary sponsor while all this shakes out, and is a rehab counselor also) have said the same thing.

She said, kind of desparately, to the defender, "Would you please see if the judge would consider a program! You want to put me away for six months, and I'm begging for a recovery program for a year, or assignment to a sober home at my own expense for a year, etc - twice as much time as you are offering me in prison which will not help me, really...."

And the public defender said, "Why should we give you a program? You're never going to change. You aren't worth it."

This was witnessed by the mother of the codefendant and one other girl from her home.

Is that upsetting me because I'm her mom? or because its just wrong for her defender to have that attitude about her? or both?

Abrupt subject change:
I sat in my meeting last week and listened to people talking about the steps. I'm pretty sure, as I've said before, I have the first one nailed. I am indeed powerless over her addiction and the effect that her addiction is having on me. I am unable to be around her for extended periods of time, live with her, or be deeply involved with the minute details of her life. I get it. I'm not fighting that part of it, in fact, I insisted that she NOT come back home.

I hear people talk about let go and let God. I hear about surrender. But I wonder if it's as much surrendering to someone (that I honestly don't get the feeling really truly cares about the whole thing)..... so much as its just accepting that (surrendering to the idea of, ceasing to flail against the notion that) I can't do anything about it.

If that's the case, I guess I have that part nailed too.

God's going to do what he wants to. Whether I protest or not. So is it surrendering? Letting him? or is it acknowledging that he's going to do what he darn well pleases anyway.

Let's face it....Italy just had a hell of an earthquake and people died. There is a war against genuine evil going on and our soldiers are dying. Innocent children are starving all over the world. Cancer is wiping out not just my best friend's husband, but a whole slew of little children over at Children's Hospital of O.C....

Do I really think that it matters to anyone other than me or my immediate family, whether she stays out of prison? Nope. God made her, so he knows her brain isn't working too well, and she makes bad decisions. What will be, will be..... Still, I pray that what will be best for her comes to pass. And really my one constant prayer is that God will bring someone in her life that will lead her back to him before she dies. That's it.

I get so confused any more. One thing I heard recently that made some sense was that God says one of three things "yes", "no", and "I have something better in mind" (which is a "no" in my opinion.)

And yet another subject change.
I found a lawyer I will suggest that she call....her website implies she has extensive recovery experience. It is a lawyer my husband met on his job when he was delivering something to her office. She shared an office with her husband who was active in a recovery group on the side, and he gave my husband a business card. I've held onto it for five years. I think she needs to at least talk with this lady.

And one more subject change. See what I mean? My brain is a squirmy mess.

My husband has been so uninvolved this time. I'm sure some people in program would say "good for him". But its not just that he won't do bail, or buy a lawyer, or go to court, or visit in jail (which really frosts me and seems (Matthew 25:35-45) to be in direct opposition to the Christian tenets he touts). He has not visited her once at her sober home. We took money out of savings to pay a portion of her rent for the first few weeks (and I've worked extra), but he has appeared very begrudging about that. He has not called her, not once. She has 90 days clean on Wednesday, I think. He seems glad to see her when she comes to the house, but he leaves and goes on a walk, or sits and watches the news.... after a brief hug and a few pointed remarks about "getting it right this time", he is just very stonefaced about the whole thing.

But after I spend the time taking the check to the sober home (27 miles, but I wait til the last minute each week instead of mailing it, to make sure she's not going in jail on her current case) and dropping off a few groceries (he agrees that's smarter than giving her money and she does need to eat, and its only peanut butter, jelly, homemade granola, and salad mix)

then he's all "tell me how DD2 is doing, etc." After a while, I feel like saying, if you want to know, go see her yourself. Call her yourself, and really LISTEN to her instead of blathering on about "hey, you gotta get it right this time."

He's not in the last bit upset about what the public defender said. "Oh well, consequences"....he says.

Maybe that's how I should feel? To me, there's a difference between apathy and healthy boundaries?

A final (I think) subject change...
She's not on medication right now. She went on meds for the first time, willingly, in jail. She went off, when one sober home she was trying to get in said they wouldn't take anyone on meds. She ended up in another sober home, but since she's now possibly going to prison - she's prudently staying off meds, so that she doesn't restart them, get incarcerated, go off of them for several weeks while waiting for the system to catch up to her and get her back on them.

All the "on/off" of the meds would be harder than just staying manic until she knows for sure what's happening (per the psychiatrist). She figures if she somehow escapes going to prison, she will immediately go to O.C. Mental Health and get back in their system, on meds, and also get on food stamps so that she can pay more of her own rent, which is appropriate and a good goal, I think.

(I've continued working extra hours to help pay for her rent while she waits for her first check. She knows that after that first check, I'm done and only going to be helping in a very abbreviated fashion.... more like sharing food we buy in bulk from a warehouse store, or sharing vegetables from our garden, etc. I'm looking forward to our relationship being more appropriate - getting together to do fun things, family dinners, going to a street fair, a picnic at the park, a meeting to see her take a chip, etc....)

Right now she's working hard, frantically going to meetings and trying not to think about what may happen Thursday. She's very very manic, sleeping an hour or three nightly, no more, and bouncing off walls.

I'm not sure what that last subject even was.

Obviously, its time for bed.

So as I said, I'm a big squirmy bitchy mess. I'm pissed at everyone and everything. I'm trying to do things that are frugal for my family (but take extra time). I'm worried that husband is going to lose his job (and our medical benefits) since his company has announced 1000 more layoffs are coming. DD1 is coping with being laid off and I'm trying to let her cope and stay out of her business. I'm not liking working extra hours. Its keeping me out of my sewing room (i.e., my sanity restoring room).

Gripe, gripe, gripe.

Whine, whine, whine..... I will shut up now.

(And I'm just confused. I'm almost afraid to investigate some book titles I've seen lately (No More Letting Go?). Sheesh, I had just gotten used to the fact that I had to detach!)

Good night all! I'm taking my grumpy self to bed, and I'm going to get up tomorrow and fight another day! And I am going to eagerly anticipate that there is a 50% chance its going to be a good one! So there! :)

4 comments:

  1. "No More Letting Go" would be a good book for you. It is not about just latching on forever it is about setting healthy boundaries and how those boundaries are justified spiritually. The book seemed to help Mom a lot.

    Stop the world, I want to get off. Sounds like that is what you are suffering. I know it's probably different for moms than dads, just from my own experience. I have come to the realization that nothing I do will significantly change my addicts behavior so I give my advice and drop the issue. Of course we can see ahead much better than they can but the consequences are theirs not ours. Sometimes learning hard lessons through experience is the only way our children/addicts internalize the lesson.

    More peace has come to me by focusing on my own frustrations and controling the things I can control than agonizing over my sons failures. I don't do the Al-Anon or Nar-Anon thing because I don't go for the higher power stuff. When I let my son control my emotions he is the higher power. I constantly remind myself my destiny is mine to control, my life is what I create, not what is happening to me. It's not easy and not perfect but I now have more peace within myself about my son than I have had since he began this insanity. Don't get me wrong, it is not avoidance as it sounds your hubb is practicing. I have set clear boundaries for myself and given up trying to set the boundaries for my son. Be sure to understand the difference. For example, it may seem like a stupid thing but I no longer tell my son "you cannot live here if you use drugs, lie or steal." My boundary now is "I will not live with an addict, liar or thief." All of a sudden I am in control of what I do not trying to control him. Controlling him has not worked and will not work. Seems like just a petty play on words or sentence structure but it is more powerful for me and it works for me.

    I wish you the best and may peace be with you. Do something selfesh for yourself and just relish in the good in that moment.

    ReplyDelete
  2. It sounds as if it may be time to Let Go and Let God. Your husband is detached and maybe worn out. I'm sure that he cares but he doesn't want to be involved in the drama. I can see that. I hope that you will take care of yourself. I've heard that if we focus on someone else for more than 5 minutes at a time, they become our Higher Power. Maybe your daughter has become that for you. If that's the case, then it's time to get the focus back on yourself. I hope that you have a day filled with good things for you.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I think all parents feel the same at one point in their loved ones addiction/recovery. I know that I personally have a lot of days like that. But my husband is totally the other way, he will give and give until I say ENOUGH! and I have had to say it alot! Take a deep breath and maybe try starting the day with rememberiing ( I find it more helpful to say out loud) the good things in your life right now. Even if they are small things. Good luck to you and DD2!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Oh Momma, I hear you. Your husband sounds like he is doing the best he knows how to do or is capable of doing with his own broken heart. He is responsible for his relationship with his daughter, for his reactions and responses. Let him be.

    As to all of that ails the world and then there is your little tiny daughter...she is *precious* in the eyes of God. Worth every sacrifice. Put her in His hands and let Him care for her.

    Email anytime if you need to talk. This is a journey we can't make alone. ((hug))

    ReplyDelete