Sunday, March 15, 2009

Low expectations, and still cautiously optimistic

DD2's been out for a week. She successfully got into a different sober home. It is very structured. She spent the weekend with her friend in program, and together they found the new place, got her all settled, and she started dealing with her business this past week!

She's been to court, for the small matter (loitering? tampering?). It may be dismissed this week when she returns. Something about a hokey witness, etc. It was suggested by the public defender that the DA was pushing hard on this in order to establish her as a recently convicted person, which would make the next court case, which is a large matter (grand theft), easier to convict her for. The big case has not even been filed, supposedly because it's also lacking in evidence and may not be pursued if the little case does not result in conviction. I'm not sure I understand any of it, but again, Her Business.

According to the house manager, DD2 is doing what she's supposed to be doing. DD1 took a day last week and spent it with her, and they wallpapered the neighboring malls, shopping centers and businesses with her resume. She got several promising leads and after DD1 returned to our home that night, DD2 continued call-backs and inquiries.... Pay-0ff came today when one company called her back to set up an interview. She called me, ecstatic, and said she was leaving for the interview and would let me know.... and precisely an hour later she called to tell me she got it. Barring failing a drug test (she should be 65 days clean, so that should not be an issue, she says) she starts as a cashier at this establishment on the 23rd. That also gives her this week to hopefully get the small court case to go away, finish up, whatever.

We visited her yesterday at her new home. I met a lot of the girls and saw what a nicely maintained place it is. Everyone has chores and pride in the place is obvious. She showed me her refrigerator shelf, her kitchen shelf (peanut butter, jelly and bread is about all she's got!), and her bed in the second bedroom. She loves it. She says its the first sober home she has been in that is truly sober. We paid a week's rent for her again, and she understands that after this week, we are only able to assist in very small amounts, such as maybe a bus pass now and then, or some food we've bought in bulk at Costco and share with her, etc. She's fine with that, and stoked on getting back to work at this new job.

She calls it her "get well" job.... says that her old job as a financial counselor (pre-relapse) at the debt-consolidation company is available to her IF she stays clean for six months.... (the boss at that job is the same girlfriend who took her this past weekend for two days and helped her find this sober home). So now she has a goal!

It's been a crazy week. The reason DD1 was able to take a whole day and take DD2 around looking for a job? DD1 was laid off Monday.

It's happening everywhere, but it certainly has struck home to us now. She got a bit of a severance package and some outplacement service, so she is going to try to work with outplacement and also be as helpful as she can to her sister during this interim period. She feels it happened for a of her first comments to me was that she could help us with DD2 while she was between jobs. DD1's compassion for her sister is such a wonderful thing to see. She is helpful, involved, and yet, manages to care for herself and knows when to back away from the "tornado effect" and not get overwhelmed (if that makes sense)! She is bipolar also, and is trying hard not to slip into a depressive episode over her lost job, uncertain financial state, etc.

I'm grateful for how all of this is unfolding. I've been catching glimpses of DD2.... the confident and poised young woman I miss.... I'm a little disappointed that she is off her meds right now - the house she first wanted to get into would not take her if she was on meds - and she is not entirely sure she wants to go back on them. Her boyfriend is encouraging her in that direction however, and may be able to help her see the wisdom in resuming mental health treatment. That too, is up to her. She is exhausting to hang out with, because she is manic right now and flying a mile a minute, but again, its up to her.

I am grateful for these moments of shared laughter and happy celebration. I am mindful that she needs to take care of Her Business and that I can't do it for her. We're trying to be as supportive as we can, without smudging our boundaries and causing her any confusion.

I was reading the headlines on my internet home page tonight and saw a story about this young woman. Sadly, A was DD2's roommate a little over two years ago. They shared a condo for about a month and then my daughter moved out because they relapsed together and life with A became not only a bit crazy but also a bit dangerous. Later, A got clean and stayed clean through a pregnancy and for several months afterwards. She had already lost custody of a son years earlier. I am really saddened that she has relapsed again, and that her baby girl was endangered. It seems a bit surreal that she has stayed in my home a few times before she and my daughter roomed together, and at one time she was working with DD2, training dogs and in a good recovery program, sober, etc.

It all seems so fragile and tenuous....

But for now, I am grateful for the good visit with DD2, her happiness, her opportunity with this job, and hopeful about her continued sobriety and her court case resolution. I'm grateful for DD1's positive attitude in the face of her unemployment and her helpfulness with her sister. I'm grateful that A's baby girl is unhurt and safe tonight.

I don't recall if I have shared these two sayings on this blog, but a friend in program shared them with me and I've written them in a few prominent places to remind me to detach with love.....

What's inside my hula-hoop is my business....what's outside my hula-hoop is not!

There's three kinds of business out there: my business, your business and none-of-my-business.

P.S. I missed my Alanon meeting last week. I hope to get to it this week!


  1. I can feel the hope in your posting. Hold tight, be strong and maybe this is the time. Best wishes.

  2. Live in the hope of today, each day as it comes.

    Thanks for sharing.

  3. Hope she keeps the momentum going!

    God Bless.