I visited DD2 Sunday morning. DD1 and I went, and spent 30 minutes with her, face to face, with that damn glass between us and the horrible phone connection.
I wanted so badly to see her. I should be used to this, but I never am. The reality of her, sitting on the other side of the glass, tears in her eyes, in that blue jumpsuit.
Suddenly it's not "I'm going to see her today!"
The reality of "I'm visiting my daughter, the felon" sinks in again.
She looks "clean". The haze of heroin is not clouding her eyes and she sounds like herself. Her sense of humor surfaces and her pride brushes the tears away and we talk. We dream about the future together. I try to avoid making promises I can't keep...."no, you can't come and live with us when you are released".... and I try to focus on the positives to her.... "I'm looking forward to having you over for a cook out, going out for a family dinner with you, going to a concert with you, taking a scrap book class with you...."
She asks about her Dad. He has always said he will not pay for a lawyer for her if she gets into this kind of trouble, he will not come to court when she is tried or before a judge for any reason, he will not post bail for any reason, and he will not visit her when she is incarcerated. He will not budge on this.
I have a really hard time with it, because he's supposedly a staunch Christian and I know my Bible growing up taught me to visit the prisons, care for the widows and orphans, and take care of the sick. DD2 falls under two of those categories, since she is mentally ill and in jail.
I get angry when I see the pain in her eyes because he will not visit. I try to remind myself that if she were sober, she could see her father whenever she wanted to.
I try to also remind myself that even if I think his actions are based on being a hard-ass, proving a point, or just not being willing to be inconvenienced, that I can't make him do anything, and I can't be responsible for whether he does or not.
He loves her deeply. Its not up to me to judge his behavior. I'm only supposed to be concerned with my own. I feel that visiting her is something that is right and good and kind for me to do. I hope that it means something to her, that when hardly anyone else cared, Mom and Sister showed up. Every single time she was in jail. It eases my mind to see her, and it breaks my heart at the same time.
I usually hold it together and I did okay this time until DD1 stopped for gas on the way home. I don't think she knew that I cried while she pumped gas and got a snack.
I've had that sick, depressed, lethargic feeling and been weepy ever since. I'm going up to my sewing room now, to try to focus on something positive. Tomorrow is her day in court. I don't go, because the nature of my work requires me to be home, in my home office, distributing work that comes in to the eight women that work for me. So I will work, function somewhat like a robot, and wait to hear what the judge decrees. She will call me when she gets back to the jail day-room, tomorrow night.... or perhaps the next morning, if she can't get to a phone.
This could go from "released to reinstatement in Prop36 program and probation", to time upstate in prison, with lots of variations inbetween, which is kind of what I'm hoping for..... maybe some time in jail, followed by release to a residential treatment program..... perhaps that will give her time to work on herself...
She requested her old sponsor to send her Step 1 while she is in jail. That's a good sign. But I'm not naive. She's in jail. It will mean nothing unless she continues this on the outside. Last time she got out of jail, she got loaded within 9 minutes.
I wasn't able to attend the on-line meeting at The Second Road that Lou chaired on a recent Saturday night. But I was able to go into the chat room and back up the chats and read the conversations from the meeting I missed. Something she said about "surrendering meaning realizing that she might lose her son" has stuck with me.
I think I understand what she means. For me, I sort of think I have Step 1 nailed. No one is more aware than I that I can not fix this. Powerless is my middle name. I don't pray much any more, but the prayer I do pray, is that God sends someone into DD2's life that leads her back to Him, before she dies.
Not much else matters.